Get Incensed

Are you feeling tired and listless? ….

I know … I know … page three of The Complete Moron’s Guide to Writing says that “Readers love lists!”

Not true. I can’t stand lists.

And here are the top five reasons why….

5.) Lists are for chores and work.
I enjoy reading. Is it too much to ask that every other article isn’t pounded into a 14-point checklist format? Lists are for chores like grocery shopping and for the guys at Jiffy Lube so they can convince you that changing your oil, checking your filter and topping off your fluids is worth $29.95 for six minutes of work.

4.) Lists are derivative and make lousy sales tools.
Everyone from your dentist to your local car wash has taken a crack at a knock-off of Letterman’s Top 10 list. Here’s a little secret: David Letterman has a staff of professionals writing his material. That’s why the Late Show Top 10 List is funnier than the Top 10 Reasons You Should Use Royal Dry Cleaners. Stop putting lists in your ads. It’s getting old. Even Letterman lifted his bit from Moses.

3.) There are always a couple of items on every list that are geared toward the functionally retarded.
I feel cheated if I’m reading a top 10 list of pick-up lines and one of them is, “Hi.” If you’re going to make a list, skip the obvious. There’s no more reason to have “Hi” on the list than there is to include “Get in the van, bitch.” If you want to give me a tip, let me know where there’s a 2-for-1 sale on duct tape.

2.) The list is always continued on another page.

1.) We’re running out of topics and using more hype.
Most of the good list topics have already been done to death. To get your attention a list has to be either bizarre or over-hyped. Crazy lists usually sound like the author dropped acid in order to come up with a new topic like “The Top 50 Movie Scenes with Dialogue that Can Be Rearranged to Spell ‘Hillary for President.’”

The alternative is to raise the crisis level of the list to near hysterical proportions like “The 10 Things You Absolutely Never, Ever Should Say Unless You Want Your Career to Go Up in Flames Like The Hindenburg and Find Yourself Picking through Garbage During Your Retirement Years.”

I’d have more items for you, but my girlfriend just gave me a list of things I need to do in order to have a chance at getting lucky this week.

One last tip: Always know which side your bread is buttered on.

humor, lists, Top 10 List, David Letterman, Moses, duct tape,