Get Incensed

This Is Why You’re Not Hot

by Mark Jabo

Who will be America’s Next Teen Disaster?…

The following is an open letter to America’s Next Teen Starlet.

For the record, I’m betting her name will be Kaitlyn Something or, if the Hannah Montana craze expands to other states, maybe it will be Mary Jo Idaho.

In any event, I’ve got a few things to say….

Dear Next Teen Starlet,

I hope you have a long and productive career.

More importantly, I hope you have a long and productive life.

For your own sake, you might want to take a little bit of a longer historical perspective when it comes to picking someone you decide to model your behavior after.

Because I think we can all agree most of your current role models suck.

The fact that you are right now wondering whether I meant “suck” in a lousy, uninspiring sense or “suck” in a sexual sense pretty much tells you all you need to know about the impact of the Britney Spears-Paris Hilton-Kim Kardashian Axis of Skeezville on what it means to be young, beautiful and famous in this day and age.

It’s your life, but since it’s my blog … here are a few observations from a trained cultural observer. And by trained, I mean I have Page Six and Gawker bookmarked in my web browser. So there.

Let’s go over a few basic points:

Fame and notoriety aren’t the same thing. Rosa Parks is famous. Monica Lewinsky is notorious. Notoriety is fleeting. Fame lasts. Please try to understand the difference. There’s a good reason why Katherine Hepburn is not an answer to a Trivial Pursuit question — there was nothing trivial about her. She was a strong, independent woman in a time when that character trait was less common than it is today.

While we’re on the subject … please note that character traits should be distinguished from character flaws. Most people work to accentuate the traits and minimize the flaws. You should try that. Being able to say, “I know who I am” and be comfortable in your own skin is a character trait. Barely being able to say, “Do you know who I am?” as you take a field sobriety test is a character flaw.

We all want to be popular. The fact you are young and hot-looking means it will be easy to be popular. Especially among guys who are, say … between the ages of 13 and 107. If you’re not a total bitch, you’ll probably be popular with a fair number of girls and women, too. What’s that you say? Your genetic talent and a couple of lucky breaks means you’re rich, too?! Then I’m going to suggest to you that you really don’t need to blow a guy on the Internet to get people to like you. (See also: the fame/notoriety distinction)

Strive for a career, not a meteoric crash and burn. Your career is not a hot-dog eating contest. It’s not about seeing how much you can consume in a limited time whether it’s food, drugs or lines of credit. Try to keep some perspective about being in it for the long haul. Tough to do when you’re in your teens, I know. But you don’t really want to be a female version of Vanilla Ice, do you? Heck, even Vanilla Ice doesn’t want to be Vanilla Ice.

This last item is primarily meant as career advice, but it’s pretty good life advice, too. Look to differentiate yourself. You do this by playing to your strengths and not being like everyone else. Take a look around at successful people in your field who have stood the test of time: Ellen DeGeneres, Bob Dylan, Jerry Seinfeld, Oprah Winfrey. These people all have a style and manner uniquely their own.

“But how can I differentiate myself?” you might ask.

Quick — name a current Hollywood starlet who hasn’t gotten a DUI, flashed her tits or been to rehab.

Hey, I think maybe we’ve found a starting point …

I know it’s hard to be the focus of so much attention, Young Starlet. All I’m suggesting is that you take a moment to consider what you really want and how you’re going to go about getting it.

I hate to break it to you, but you can’t snort, borrow or shoplift the thing you crave the most: Respect.

The respect you so desperately want, is the difference between the notorious and the famous, between those with character and those who are considered characters, those who have ephemeral popularity and those who are the object of enduring admiration.

You can’t buy it or demand it. You can only earn it.

It’s a worthwhile goal. I wish you the best of luck.

Best regards,
Mark Jabo

PS - Don’t take your critics too seriously. If most of them had the money and fame you have at age 16, they would have partied themselves to death before their 17th birthday.
Be yourself. You’ll do fine.

=====================

This post is part of Project Blog. Stop by Allison’s website, BCS Frenzy, check out the Final Four contestants and vote for your favorite.

You can also enter to win a free book from our friends over at Humor-Blogs.com

So, what are you waiting for? Act now. Bloggers are standing by…

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Posted in General on January 18th, 2008

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9 Responses to “ This Is Why You’re Not Hot ”

Kate Says:
January 18th, 2008 at 5:58 am
This message pretty much articulates why one of my greatest fears is that my daughter will grow up to be a starlet.

I wasn’t rich or famous at 17, but I had a great year of drinking illegal beer, kissing boys and being comfortable in my own skin at a time when everything was too perfect to go too far.

It seems to me that the starlet brigade are missing out on all the good stuff and just losing every opportunity to develop a personality instead of fame.
Winnie Says:
January 18th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Excellent advice, Mark! Although, sad as it is, you may have to explain to Young Starlet who Katherine Hepburn is.
Mark Jabo Says:
January 18th, 2008 at 9:07 am
@Kate
I knew we were soul mates at different high schools together….

@Winnie
You’re absolutely right. I prolly should’ve linked to her Wikipedia entry…
Watching The View » Blog Archive » Project Blog week 8: The contestants Says:
January 18th, 2008 at 9:46 am
[...] Nancy Grace” 3. Sally, Style Fix: “Dear Designers: Please Impress Me” 4. Mark, Get Incensed: “This is Why You’re Not Hot” Did You Enjoy this Post? Subscribe to Watching The View. It’s Free! « Back Home Posted in [...]
Sally Says:
January 18th, 2008 at 10:53 am
No Mary Jo Idaho … Sally Cali! .. oh wait, I get it. This is a bad thing?

Notorious… yea. I remember when I referred to something/one using that word in middle school and my mom was like “uhhh…it’s not GOOD to be notorious.”
Style Fix » Blog Archive » Competition Is Fierce: Project Blog Week Eight Entries Says:
January 18th, 2008 at 11:17 am
[...] Mark, Get Incensed: “This is Why You’re Not Hot” Did You Enjoy this Post? Subscribe to Style Fix. It’s Free! « Back Home Posted in Blog [...]
Project Blog Week Eight: Vote for your Favorite! Says:
January 18th, 2008 at 11:36 am
[...] 1. Kate, Babylune: “Hey Buddy! Can You Spare Some Eyeballs?” 2. Winnie, Watching the View: “Dear Nancy Grace” 3. Sally, Style Fix: “Dear Designers: Please Impress Me” 4. Mark, Get Incensed: “This is Why You’re Not Hot” [...]
Patrick D. Says:
January 18th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Did you forget to mention wearing sunscreen?
Kate Boddie Says:
January 19th, 2008 at 11:31 am
What’s this starlet going to do different then her predecessors? Get out of a car snatch first wearing underwear that say ‘eat me’ on it. Hey, at least she’s covered.

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