This Is Why You’re Not Hot
Who will be America’s Next Teen Disaster?…
The following is an open letter to America’s Next Teen Starlet.
For the record, I’m betting her name will be Kaitlyn Something or, if the Hannah Montana craze expands to other states, maybe it will be Mary Jo Idaho.
In any event, I’ve got a few things to say….
Dear Next Teen Starlet,
I hope you have a long and productive career.
More importantly, I hope you have a long and productive life.
For your own sake, you might want to take a little bit of a longer historical perspective when it comes to picking someone you decide to model your behavior after.
Because I think we can all agree most of your current role models suck.
The fact that you are right now wondering whether I meant “suck” in a lousy, uninspiring sense or “suck” in a sexual sense pretty much tells you all you need to know about the impact of the Britney Spears-Paris Hilton-Kim Kardashian Axis of Skeezville on what it means to be young, beautiful and famous in this day and age.
It’s your life, but since it’s my blog … here are a few observations from a trained cultural observer. And by trained, I mean I have Page Six and Gawker bookmarked in my web browser. So there.
Let’s go over a few basic points:
“But how can I differentiate myself?” you might ask.
Quick — name a current Hollywood starlet who hasn’t gotten a DUI, flashed her tits or been to rehab.
Hey, I think maybe we’ve found a starting point …
I know it’s hard to be the focus of so much attention, Young Starlet. All I’m suggesting is that you take a moment to consider what you really want and how you’re going to go about getting it.
I hate to break it to you, but you can’t snort, borrow or shoplift the thing you crave the most: Respect.
The respect you so desperately want, is the difference between the notorious and the famous, between those with character and those who are considered characters, those who have ephemeral popularity and those who are the object of enduring admiration.
You can’t buy it or demand it. You can only earn it.
It’s a worthwhile goal. I wish you the best of luck.
Best regards,
Mark Jabo
PS - Don’t take your critics too seriously. If most of them had the money and fame you have at age 16, they would have partied themselves to death before their 17th birthday.
Be yourself. You’ll do fine.
This post is part of Project Blog. Stop by Allison’s website, BCS Frenzy, check out the Final Four contestants and vote for your favorite.
You can also enter to win a free book from our friends over at Humor-Blogs.com
So, what are you waiting for? Act now. Bloggers are standing by…
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January 18th, 2008 at 5:58 am
This message pretty much articulates why one of my greatest fears is that my daughter will grow up to be a starlet.
I wasn’t rich or famous at 17, but I had a great year of drinking illegal beer, kissing boys and being comfortable in my own skin at a time when everything was too perfect to go too far.
It seems to me that the starlet brigade are missing out on all the good stuff and just losing every opportunity to develop a personality instead of fame.
January 18th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Excellent advice, Mark! Although, sad as it is, you may have to explain to Young Starlet who Katherine Hepburn is.
January 18th, 2008 at 9:07 am
@Kate
I knew we were soul mates at different high schools together….
@Winnie
You’re absolutely right. I prolly should’ve linked to her Wikipedia entry…
January 18th, 2008 at 9:46 am
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January 18th, 2008 at 10:53 am
No Mary Jo Idaho … Sally Cali! .. oh wait, I get it. This is a bad thing?
Notorious… yea. I remember when I referred to something/one using that word in middle school and my mom was like “uhhh…it’s not GOOD to be notorious.”
January 18th, 2008 at 11:17 am
[...] Mark, Get Incensed: “This is Why You’re Not Hot” Did You Enjoy this Post? Subscribe to Style Fix. It’s Free! « Back Home Posted in Blog [...]
January 18th, 2008 at 11:36 am
[...] 1. Kate, Babylune: “Hey Buddy! Can You Spare Some Eyeballs?” 2. Winnie, Watching the View: “Dear Nancy Grace” 3. Sally, Style Fix: “Dear Designers: Please Impress Me” 4. Mark, Get Incensed: “This is Why You’re Not Hot” [...]
January 18th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Did you forget to mention wearing sunscreen?
January 19th, 2008 at 11:31 am
What’s this starlet going to do different then her predecessors? Get out of a car snatch first wearing underwear that say ‘eat me’ on it. Hey, at least she’s covered.