Get Incensed

The bills have eyes …

I think it’s time we went back to the barter system.

There’s too much time and effort being put into redesigning money these days. Things were simpler when we used goats and chickens as payment. Plus, it’s pretty hard to counterfeit a live goat.

It used to be everybody knew what legal tender looked like. Now, the $10 bill looks like someone spilled coffee on it and it’s flat out impossible to keep up with all the changes on coins.

Somebody could give you a token from Dave & Busters and, as long as it had one of the 50 states on the back, you could pass it off as a quarter.

In the latest effort to combat counterfeiters, the government is redesigning the $100 bill. Again.

It seems like only yesterday when Ben Franklin came down with a bad case of lionitis as his head size quadrupled on the hundred and he went from founding father to Rocky Dennis overnight. If Franklin’s head got any bigger on the C-note, you’d be able to count his enlarged pores.

The latest redesign of the currency combines micro-printing with over 650,000 tiny lenses to create a bill where Franklin’s image moves when you move the bill.

So, essentially, it’s like his eyes follow you around the room. Given Franklin’s history of philandering, women are especially likely to be creeped out by the new bill.

Did I miss something? When did Wes Craven become Secretary of the Treasury?

I don’t mean to nit pick here, but it seems like the technology involved in putting 650,000 tiny lenses on every $100 bill might cost just a fraction more than a hundred dollars.

This is a typical government solution, as the following conversation that was secretly recorded at the last currency design meeting indicates…

“We need to come up with some new technology to thwart counterfeiters…”

“Hey, I read in Wired Magazine where you could implant hundreds of thousands of tiny lenses into a bill and create a holographic image at a cost of millions of dollars…”

“Yeah. Or you could just use one of those special pens that turns yellow if the bill’s good.”

“Okay, then. It’s settled. We’ll go with the expensive embedded optic solution.”

It won’t be long before new currency designs are being talked about like the latest X-Box offering. “Dude, you gotta check out the graphics on the new five. If you turn it a certain way, you can see Lincoln writing the Gettysburg Address.”

I also hear there’s a cheat with the new Wii controller where if you fold the corner on the twenty dollar bill the right way, Thomas Jefferson will have sex with one of his housekeepers.

I have enough security problems with my home computer and iPhone.

I don’t need somebody trying to hack into my lunch money.

humor, 100 bill, hundred, C-note, currency, Wes Craven, Mask, Cher, Rocky Dennis, Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin,