Get Incensed

You celebrate Christmas your way, I’ll celebrate it my way …

We’re getting down to crunch time, folks. This is the last Friday Six before The Holidays as they call Christmas at The Ohio State University.

Nearly every retail establishment you can think of is offering a gift card. The real genius of gift carding is that you can be in and out of seventeen stores in less time than it takes to get to your car in the mall parking lot.

And, to top it off, you don’t have to do any of the work. Your uncle gets to spend $18 in gas to drive to Home Depot to see what he can buy with that 20 bucks you forked over for the card that had the reindeer wearing safety goggles on it.

Consider it payback for the time he fondled you in grade school.

Most stores just let you pick out a gift card, or as I like to refer to them, a minimal thought debit card and pay at the register.

Here’s a holiday tip: make it a point to grab a handful of cards and then drop a couple blanks in the kettle of those cloying Salvation Army volunteers who ring that obnoxious bell for 25 minutes straight while you’re waiting for a bus.

Or leave one marked $200 for your mailman who somehow feels he deserves a tip for shredding every magazine you subscribe to and yelling from down the block that he’s got your package from Adult DVD World but you need to sign for it.

About the only thing that can go wrong with gift carding is if you somehow end up giving your girlfriend’s Victoria’s Secret Thong-of-the-Month Club membership to your grandmother.

Sure, you may take a little ribbing from other family members … but guess which grandson just got written back into the will?

Explaining the special promotion card for a case of Depends and the Craftmatic adjustable bed to your girlfriend may be a little more difficult.

In the true spirit of Christmas, here’s the Friday Six.

Six links a-milkin’, no alliteration and more joy than a box of mistletoe and Jamie Lynn Spears.

-


Christmas is a time to help the less fortunate. That probably doesn’t include Huey Lewis, but you can find out why he needs your help over at Mattress Police.

-



Still not in the holiday spirit? Then you’ll want to check out Food Court Lunch’s latest entry in the “Punchable Faces” series.

-


Pussy whipped.

-


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Mother-F***kin’ Reindeer. A Pulp Xmas video mash-up is available, fittingly, over at Milk and Cookies.

-


The Christmas Squid may bring back some long-repressed holiday memories for you in this segment of Hollywood WHCTD’s series, “The 12 Pets of Christmas.”

-


Would I use the holidays as an excuse not to gratuitously pick on New Jersey? Why, no … no I wouldn’t.
-

Happy Holidays, everyone.