Get Incensed

“What do you think of this Medicare deductible, you little whippersnapper? …”

Every couple of weeks, there’s a story in the news about someone who seems to have gotten inappropriately tasered.

For example, there’s the recent story about a five-foot-one, 82-year old woman in Chicago who was zapped by police.

The incident began when a social worker with the city’s Department of Aging stopped by to make a “well-being check” on Lillian Fletcher. The sharp-eyed civil servant spotted the woman through a window swinging a hammer and called the cops.

With the help of the landlord, the police entered Lillian’s apartment and, upon seeing her still swinging a hammer, decided a 50,000-volt howdy-do was in order.

Do what you want, but I’m thinking you may want skip getting your grandparents a gift-certificate to Home Depot this Christmas.

But there is a more disturbing aspect to the story … why does the city of Chicago do “well-being checks” on random old people?

Lillian Fletcher is 82-years old and living in her own apartment. She was either doing some home repairs, tenderizing a steak for dinner or bludgeoning her husband for some wise-crack about how her ass wasn’t as firm as it used to be.

She was doing just fine until the until the government got involved.

We all know old people increase the cost of insurance, slow down checkout lines and make everyone uncomfortable by telling racist jokes in public.

A reasonable person would realize this means we should take every opportunity presented to us to thin the geriatric herd.

I’d like to be able to collect on at least a portion of the money I paid into Social Security, and that’s not likely to happen if we keep taking all these extra steps to check up on old people all the time.

All I’m saying is, there’s nothing wrong with letting a little Social Darwinism take its course.

Of course, it’ll probably help if we’re going get the cops to taser them on a regular basis.

If we as a society really want to check on someone’s well-being, we should be visiting the home of the 27-year old Halo 3 fanatic who’s still living in his parents’ basement.

That dude’s liable to snap at any moment and if he picks up a weapon from Wal-Mart, chances are it won’t come from the hardware section.

The point of this post, however, is not to go over all the instances of questionable tasering in recent months.

What I’d really like to address is the much more common occurrence, of people who aren’t tasered … but deserve to be.

As many stories as there have been in the news about unwarranted tasering recently, there have been even more instances of people are committing crimes with their children in tow.

These are the people we need to taser. Repeatedly.

Maybe it’s because I don’t travel in the right circles, but I don’t recall anyone declaring that 2007 was Take-Your-Child-to-Work Year for Felons.

In the past month there’s been the case of the crack whore turning tricks with her 8-month old and 5-year old in the back seat, the dude who robbed a liquor store while holding his kid and just this weekend a woman who was being chased by police and jumped out of the pick-up truck she was fleeing in while five months pregnant.

I realize that the qualifications for being a hooker, liquor store thief or traffic scofflaw don’t include a particular aptitude for long-term planning. But, seriously, is it too much to ask that you leave your kids with your aunt, baby-daddy or pimp before you decide to add one more item to the list of stupid things you’ve done in your lifetime?

I’m all for spending quality time with your kids, but taking little Chester to rob your local discount wine superstore seems to be crossing the line between mixing work and personal time just a bit too much.

Unless little Chester is some kind of child wine prodigy who can tell the difference between a ‘68 Bordeaux and an ‘07 Wild Irish Rose.

Take my word for it … if you’ve got business with the police, or if you think there’s an outside chance they might have an issue with you when they stumble across whatever crazy stunt you happen to be pulling at the moment, there’s really no need to bring your preschooler.

Kids grow up too fast these days as it is. I know it’s hard to let go as a parent … but, as Dear Abby tells us, sometimes you just have to let kids make their own mistakes.

Chances are if you’re blowing dudes in the back seat of a Taurus or committing armed robbery, it’s only a matter of time before your little Dog the Bounty Hunter grows his own mullet and starts finding his way in the juvenile justice system.

In most cases, the police show remarkable restraint in handling difficult situations. It would be much healthier, in the case of knuckleheads who bring their toddlers along on a crime spree, if we allowed the cops an outlet for their frustration.

Call the social worker to come and take the kid away, and then let the taser party begin.

Let’s face it, the chance of the perp suffering any more brain damage than he or she already has is minimal.