Get Incensed

Can you spot the difference? ….

The cocoon people are out there.

They’re out there with their iPods and their Blutooth technology, wrapped up in their own little multimedia world talking, texting and bopping to their music.

And generally making life more difficult for those of us who choose to be reasonably fully engaged in our daily existence.

It’s not like I’m some kind of latter day Luddite who’s against all kinds of technology. I love new gadgets and high-tech stuff. I have an iPod, a cell phone and even an ergonomically-designed left-handed carrot peeler.

So, I get that texting your bff about what flavor soda you had with lunch is vitally important. I just don’t get why you need to stop at the base of an escalator to do it.

I really do understand wanting to hear the closing vocal riff of one of your favorite songs. I don’t understand why you have to hold up the rest of us who have 20 minutes for lunch as you take 15 minutes to step up to the cash register and fumble for change while you search for that other really great song by Hannah Montana. You know, the one with the really meaningful lyrics that speak to your soul… Life’s what you make it, so let’s make it rock… Yeah, that one.

So, in that spirit of understanding, let’s take a moment to acknowledge some of the people who are just so much cooler than you and I could ever hope to be….

To the businessman with the Klingon earpiece sharing all the fascinating details of how you closed that big mouse pad deal: I’m in awe of your awesome negotiating skills and your cutthroat business acumen. You can’t even imagine how impressed I am that you’re still humble enough to ride public transportation with the rest of us.

To the soccer mom at Starbucks who lets everyone within earshot know how irritable bowel syndrome is affecting the rest of her busy schedule: Thank you for sharing intimate personal details I’d normally only have access to if you’d signed a medical waiver. And thank you for doing it all while at the same time reminding us how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom and maintain a smug sense of superiority over those women who are working 50 hours a week.

To the Tupac-in-Training who feels it is necessary to rap along with the lyrics I already can hear blasting from your ear buds: I hope I don’t come off as ungrateful when I point out I’d prefer my son learns it’s totally his option whether he decides to put a hyphen between “mother” and “f*cker.” If it’s okay with you, I figured I’d maybe save that lesson for a couple of years from now … like when he’s in the fifth grade.

in the final analysis, you cocoon people aren’t nearly as cool as you’d like the rest of us to believe. Basically, you’re just rude and inconsiderate.

This is why I am a great believer in the American concept of vigilante justice.

There was a time when, if you took a plane somewhere, you actually called ahead to the person who was meeting you and said, “Meet me by the baggage claim carousel 20 minutes after my flight lands.” The fact you now have a cell phone with you when the plane touches down still shouldn’t require this to be more than a 15 second conversation.

So, if it’s okay for someone to flip open their phone and give a play-by-play of how the plane just landed…and how now they’re standing up..and now they’re getting their luggage…but it seems like it’s stuck…and are they making overhead bins smaller or is larger luggage that’s the problem…and now they’re at Row 22…and now it looks like there’s someone whose scarf got caught in the seatbelt and they’re holding up the line…and now they’re at Row 13…and do you want them to snag a copy of the SkyMall magazine ’cause there’s some really cool stuff in there…and now they’re at Row 7…and they’ll look for you when they get to the arrival area…and what are you wearing because they haven’t seen you in four days and you might have lost 150 pounds, had plastic surgery and changed your whole wardrobe…and now they’re at Row 4…and, wait, wait, they’re going to do that cool Saturday Night Live thing where they say “buh-bye” to the flight attendant ’cause nobody’s probably ever done that before..

If I have to endure all that, I firmly believe it should be just as socially acceptable for me, as the person waiting behind them, to flick them sharply on their ear as many time as is necessary to get them to put down the phone.

Or, in the event that I have a half a bottle of Diet Coke left, I should feel perfectly within my rights to slowly pour soda in their pocket until they begin to wonder why something lukewarm and sticky is running down their leg.

When (if?) they finally do turn around I think a simple, disingenuous, “Oh, excuse me. Was that rude of me?” would help take back the country for the rest of us who appreciate technology but still manage to maintain at least a thin veneer of courtesy and consideration for other people.

Okay, all you closet radical activists out there…

Who’s with me on this?