Take My Advice
Better listen to him…he’s pre-med.
I think the hardest thing about being an advice columnist would be that whole part where you have to stop laughing long enough to write the column.
Being an advice columnist has to be like winning the West Virginia primary. At the end of the day, just how excited can you be that 65% of the dumbest people in the country think you’re the one who can solve their problems.
There’s a pretty good case to be made for making advice columns illegal. After all, they’re an attempt to thwart the smooth, natural functioning of a Darwinian world.
If we’re really concerned about the kind of world we’re going to leave to our kids, we should probably be less concerned about global warming and more concerned that stupid people are no longer being weeded out of the gene pool.
Here’s an example of a question posed to Amy Dickinson.
Dear Amy:
I am a 21-year-old woman in a relationship with a man who is 16 years my senior.In the beginning of this relationship, it was fine. Now I find that he is really mean to me 94 percent of the time. He calls me names, talks down to me and condemns the way I look.
It seems that nothing makes this man happy, and I am at my wits’ end.
In the two years that we have been together, we have gone nowhere together. He refused to acknowledge my birthday and Valentine’s Day. He constantly tells me that I am a loser and that I will never amount to anything. He does not allow me to go out and have fun, and any money that comes into our household goes to him.
He also believes that I should keep quiet and take whatever he dishes out. I am not entitled to an opinion. I have heard him say sexual things to other women, including his wife. I had no idea she even existed (he is now divorced) or that he has three children.
I have asked him to please try and be caring, sensitive and loving, and to stop lying to me, but he refuses to do so.
In spite of these things, I really love him and plan to marry him, but I’m not sure.
-Stupid Love
Let’s recap: Despite being well aware of her boyfriend’s lying, cheating, thieving and abusive nature…she’s planning on marrying him — if only she can get rid of a few nagging doubts.
The dude is mean to her 94% of the time, which is a pretty amazing feat since you have to figure all that yelling and cheating on your girlfriend is pretty tiring so the guy probably is asleep at least 25% of the time.
If we’re going to outlaw fatty foods because obesity costs society money, we should take a hard look at outlawing stupidity, also. You can pretty much guarantee that, if Stupid Love doesn’t take Amy’s advice, she’s going to be running up one hell of a social services bill.
Heck, there are probably five or six cops alone that’ll retire on the overtime generated by the domestic disturbance calls.
In the spirit of giving back to the community, I’ve decided to volunteer my services as an advice columnist. I think it’s time for a new breed of advice column. Let’s call it Tough Love, with Mark Jabo.
My motto: It may not be great advice, but at least you’ll know where I stand.
How about a practice letter:
Dear Mark Jabo,
As I’m writing this letter to you, my shirt is on fire. What should I do?It’s my favorite shirt and has lots of sentimental value because my mother bought it for me.
Please help because it’s really starting to get hot and my skin is melting off.
-Crispy Critter
Dear C-Squared,
If you’re still breathing when you get this advice, quickly make out a will and leave everything you own to me.You failed to mention what caused the fire. Was it grease or did your polyester shirt break into flames as you were trying to light your water pipe?
Either way, you should probably drop and roll on the floor or have someone try to smother the flames with a blanket.
Good luck. Don’t forget that last will and testament.
Your welcome.
-Mark Jabo
Do you see what we did there? There was some solid, practical advice but because it came with a cost attached to it, Crispy Critter will think twice the next time before wearing a polyester shirt.
It’s like the old saying says, “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll give him a lifetime of frustration and mosquito bites.”
Write to me. I’m here to help.
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May 23rd, 2008 at 10:28 am
Ahhh Mark, you make the elementary error of assuming that modern communications are aimed at the intelligencier!
NOT SO!
The world of public media is aimed fairly and squarely at the “dull” end of town. The appeal is to the lowest common denominator in this case. It’s people such as this remarkable woman mentioned that we aim our entire broadcasting efforts! Commercialism will ruin anything, particularly advice from one’s social peers!