Get Incensed

Poor writing and numerous post production glitches plague terrorist leader’s latest straight-to-DVD effort…

Dateline Middle East:
QRSTUVWXYZ, PAKISTAN - In what media pundits are calling an obvious sweeps week ploy for higher ratings, Osama bin-Laden is said to be scheduled to release his second rambling diatribe in less than a week.

bin-Laden was rumored to have been extremely upset when the first tape failed to match Nielsen numbers from last year, threatening to drop the al-Jazeera network to 8,647th place in network rankings among the coveted 18-34 bracket.

The radical Arab leader was said to be particularly upset with ratings that showed his last tape finished well-behind both the women’s tennis finals between Justine Henin and that scary-looking Russian chick and a re-run of According to Jim.

“Even uncensored and without sub-titles, According to Jim isn’t funny,” said bin-Laden, “to finish behind such a program is a disgrace before Allah. Maybe I will remove my shirt in this next video.”

Facing increased pressure from surging channels such as the Cockroach Webcam and the Bodily Fluids Channel, bin-Laden was said to be particularly upset that last week’s video did not contain the “to be continued…” notice at the end of the tape.

Shoddy editing and producing has plagued the al-Qaeda leader since he split from long-time producer and director, Sean Penn.

bin-Laden was quick to dispel rumors that Britney Spears would make a comeback appearance in his next video saying, “Even after spending 10 years living among goats, I’m not that stupid.”

bin-Laden, According to Jim, Britney Spears, Sean Penn, Entertainment Tonight