Get Incensed

No need for coffee….

After sitting through “about a million” Dunkin’ Donut commercials this past week, it finally dawned on me: Rachel Ray is really perky.

Perky people amaze me.

They don’t amaze me like a magic act in Vegas. When I see a magician do a card trick, I feel like it’s something I would be capable of doing if I only knew how.

Perky people are more like professional soccer players or really excellent dancers. I can’t even grasp how they do what they do. Even if you explained to me how to bend a corner kick or how to salsa, I don’t think I could pull it off.

The same thing goes with being perky. I can’t begin to conceive of going through life with that level of perpetual excitement.

I can be a good party guest when I need to be, but I believe I’m genetically incapable of maintaining the amped-up level of likability and cheerfulness of such “masters of perk” as Rachel Ray and Katie Couric.

The only reasonable explanation for all this is that soccer players, great dancers and perky people are all members of an alien race sent to populate and overtake our planet.

If the aliens could successfully combine all three traits to generate a perky soccer player with hip-hop dance moves, surely that … that … thing would rule the world.

I think Mia Hamm was some kind of breakthrough but she wasn’t so much perky as she was really earnest in a Jehovah’s Witness kind of way. Plus, I heard she didn’t even know how to do the Electric Slide.

Paula Abdul, when she’s on her meds, could be a candidate for global ruler if she could learn soccer, but I believe the aliens suffered a setback with Paula when they discovered combining the DNA for “perky” and “dancer” also resulted in the tendency to clap like a trained seal.

The fact “perky” is almost exclusively correlated to the X-chromosome also suggests the next ruler of the world will be female.

Or gay.

I’m not sure you’d call what Richard Simmons does in his videos dancing and I’m pretty sure if you kicked a soccer ball in his direction he’d just scream and run away … but you have to admit, the guy is perkier than a border collie on crystal meth.

Since there are no openly gay candidates for President, I think we can conclude the aliens’ best bet for world domination would be to try to genetically engineer Hillary after the next election.

Hmmm. The thought of a perky, dancing Hillary is something you’d only imagine on a bad acid trip. It might be easier if the aliens could somehow manage to turn Mike Huckabee gay.

Since that probably isn’t happening anytime soon either, we can all relax and don’t need to worry … unless someone spots one of the bad Transformers.

But I heard Mitt Romney’s not doing all that well in Iowa, either ….