Get Incensed

“You don’t have to be a star, baby …”

Back in olden times (and I’m talking real olden times — not just like in the days before cellphones), some Ancient Greeks looked up at a star-filled night sky and pondered the vastness of the universe. They speculated on the meaning of life and mused about the insignificance of man as they gazed at the cosmos.

And they did what men have done throughout the ages — laughed, got drunk and made up stuff. (Editor’s note: In ancient times women weren’t allowed to laugh or get drunk. They could make up stories, but only to explain to their 34-Short husband why there was an extra large toga in the closet.)

It turns out the revered civilization that gave us logic, democracy and ouzo also gave us a lasting another contribution that continues to affect our lives to this day: constellations.

Ahoy, polloi

Constellations are one of the timeless features of recorded human history. They are also one of the stupidest.

At some point, way before the invention of Highlights magazine, a bunch of guys laying on their backs in the middle of the night decided to play connect the dots. As a result of their drunken Friday night party games, we have 88 constellations and 12 signs of the zodiac.

And 2500 years later, women are still having to fend off idiotic pick-up lines like, “What’s your sign?”

There has been some real progress over the intervening time span, however. Now, women can speculate on the meaning of existence and muse about the insignificance of men while gazing into their Cosmos.

As far as anyone can tell, the only purpose of constellations is to provide employment opportunities for geeky planetarium employees, an excuse for third graders to go on a field trip and a place for teenagers to make out.

It’s all because the ancestors of the modern stoners, spent time exercising their “imaginations.” If these guys were alive today, they’d still be laughing as people squinted up at the sky and said, “Yeah, I think I kind of see it…”

To really appreciate how crazy the whole constellation thing is let’s look at some pictures of the most famous constellation: Orion.

This is Orion as it appears in the night sky.

Notice the belt, the outstretched arm holding the bow and … who am I kidding? Unless you’ve recently been struck by lightning you probably don’t see any of that.

What you need is the guy with the pocket protector to dial up the next Power Point overlay ….

This is Orion as it appears at the planetarium or at your kid’s science fair

And, finally, this is Orion as he appeared to the Ancient Greeks after their breakthrough discovery of how to ferment grapes…

This Orion best viewed after three bong hits while listening to “Purple Haze”

Below is the same night sky the Greeks viewed, only as seen by early U.S. settlers out West. It’s a little known fact that, before he became an iconic cowboy, The Lone Ranger worked at the Hayden Planetarium in New York City. The mask was a last minute addition so no one would recognize the former astronomy major.

The history of constellations could have been quite different if there had been cowboys around in Plato’s time….

The constellation Orion, or as early cowboys dubbed it, Clint, as it appears in the night sky

This is the constellation Clint found in the planetarium or on the kid’s menu at T.G.I.Friday’s

This Clint best viewed in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly while drinking whiskey

How ridiculous are constellations? The only one that anyone can actually pick out with out a laser pointer, The Big Dipper, isn’t even a constellation. It’s what’s called an asterism (from the ancient Greek word meaning “we were just messin’ with you”).

An asterism is a group of stars that didn’t make it big enough to warrant being referred to as a constellation.

Asterisms are like the Kathy Griffins of the Milky Way.

But just when you’re ready to give up on the whole idea that stars influence popular culture, something comes along to make you think….

Would be really weird if the movie was distributed by Orion Pictures….

Coincidence? Or was it written in the stars? ……

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The stars are always out on Project Runway and on Project Blog….

In case you’ve not been staying up to date with your Reality on Bravo news, Project Blog is the blogger’s answer to Project Runway. We’ve got the best of the best in bloggers ready to go head to head in weekly competitions for the grand prize:

• An autographed picture of Jackie Warner, courtesy of Sky Sport and Spa (Jackie Warner’s gym from Work Out)
• A pair of shoes from the newest line from Jonathan Kayne (one of my favorite Project Runway Alums)
• A Soffe college hoodie, courtesy ofBCS Frenzy
• Gold-plated earrings from Aurora at Between the Sheets
• A pet portrait, courtesy of Intricate Art
• A set of bud vases from Top Design’s Jonathan Adler

And as a reader here are Reality on Bravo, YOU CAN WIN TOO! Every week, Reality on Bravo is teaming up with some awesome sponsors to offer prizes for lucky readers. Anyone who leaves a comment on the voting post (which will go live on Thursday) will be automatically entered to win the super-awesome secret prize!

As for the competition, you have a say in that too! Every week after Project Runway, Allison will announce the weekly challenge and our competitors will scurry away to write some amazing posts. Read them, and on Friday, vote for your favorites. Your votes, along with the opinions of our amazing judges, Bethany (the winner of the RoB “Create Your Own Reality Show” contest) and April (an extraordinary professional writer and blogger), determine who stays and who “goes home”

And now, here’s what you really want to know - THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE:

This week, the contestants had to use unusual products - things found in a candy sore. This week, your challenge is just as sweet. Thankfully, your “products” aren’t quite as unusual! We want to see what you can do with pictures. You must use at least ONE picture in your post, but beyond that it is up to you - use 5 pictures, ten pictures, on hundred pictures…we simply want to see what you can do.

You can use words as well, but the emphasis here is drawing people in with your pictures…be they photoshopped, hilarious, heart-warming, colorful, etc. How can you use pictures to keep your readers captivated? Keep in mind that we’ll be looking at every aspect of your picture-using skills.

Oh, and make sure that you use pictures you love - it is another TWO WEEK CHALLENGE!

You have until 8 AM on Friday to post, but remember - your link will be posted here for voting as soon as you post your entry, so for maximum voting, get your entries in soon!

Bloggers, start your engines! Check back later for a complete list of posts from our blogtestants, and don’t forget to vote on your favorite! Oh, and if anyone else out there wants to play along, send me the link to your post and I’ll include it on the list - you won’t be eligible for the grand prize, but you will get a little link love.

Good luck, bloggers!