Get Incensed

Almost heaven, West Virginia….

Can you tell I’m easily distracted? On Thursday, November 29th, I posted Something to Be, Part One. Here it is, November 32nd, and I’m just getting around to Part Two.

I’m going to blame it on the Internet which has helped shorten the attention span of a whole generation.

It was either that or global warming.

The problem was the original post digressed into a story about my grandfather. My only excuse is the story I started out to write about was so nutty, the weird tangent I went off on seemed reasonable by comparison.

The story that got all this craziness started was one where 48-year-old Thomas Montgomery was posing online as an 18-year old Marine in an attempt to pick up an 18-year-old student who was actually a middle-aged mom from West Virginia.

Then it gets weird.

The lady in West Virginia (let’s call her Mary, because that’s her name) occasionally mailed packages to the Thomas. There was only one problem: Thomas was married and his wife opened the packages. Tom’s wife wrote to Mary and told her to stay away from her husband and that, by the way, he was 48-years-old.

Somewhere in the 18-month long online “relationship” Tom and Mary were having, Tom mentioned a guy he worked with, Brian, who was 22 years old. Actually.

Mary did the only sensible thing she could think of when she heard from Tom’s wife: she wrote to the 22-year-old dude to see if Tom was really as old as his wife said he was. And then she started an online relationship with Brian.

Despite his wife’s knowledge and objections, Tom continued to pursue Mary. Even if we assume Tom had all his marbles, they clearly weren’t playing the same game.

When Tom learned Brian was also talking to Mary, he did what your average 48-year-old guy who thought he had a shot at some 18-year-old kitty would do.

He shot and killed his buddy Brian.

There are a few points that need to be emphasized here.

First, there are no hot 18-year-olds in West Virginia. If someone tells you there are, the guy’s either high, lying or he’s from West Virginia and he’s trying to pimp out his daughter.

It’s West Virginia. Hot left West Virginia in the 1800s.

Next point. Let’s face it, no one you’re dating is worth fifty years in a PMITA prison. No one George Clooney is dating is worth fifty years in a PMITA prison.

If you’re even a little objective about it, whoever you’re dating probably is not even worth getting embarrassed on the Jerry Springer Show over.

I’ve never understood fooling around on your spouse. Pick a side. If you want to be single, be single — with all the scrambling to find a date, spending money and Jack Daniels that involves.

If you want to be married, be married — with all the responsibility, spending money and Jack Daniels that requires.

I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but if you’re going to fool around, you at least need to spring for a post office box.

Better yet, as my grandfather would tell you, “Don’t be either of those guys.”