Get Incensed

“You look like a fine, upstanding young man, I think you’ll do….”

It’s all so confusing.

With all the qualified candidates for local school board, town alderman (something to do with curiously strong mints?) and village idiot, how can you possibly choose who to vote for?

Oh, I know. Look for the signs that people stake out on their lawns and choose the one with the prettiest graphics.

It’s the same way I usually decide to bet on a horse and may explain why my choices at both the track and the voting booth end up costing me money.

Every year about this time, there is an explosion of election signs in neighborhoods around the city. Sometimes they’ll give you hint about what you’re supposed to do. (Vote!) Or sometimes they’ll tell you what job a person you’ve never heard of is running for. (Nitwitter for Town Comptroller.)

Personally, I think it goes against the whole fabric of our American heritage to have just one guy in comptrol of the whole town. Comptrol should rest with the Town Council or the local Mary Kay rep with the biggest downline.

When you think about it, voting for someone who can convince people to put a cheap, paper sign on their lawn is probably a good way to choose a candidate. It shows an ability to talk regular, clear-thinking individuals into doing stupid and pointless things. If the last 29 years of C-Span have taught us anything, it’s that this is a vital skill in political circles.

This year, however, I’m going to do things differently. I’m not going to vote for the candidate who has the most signs I count on the way to the polling center. I’m voting for a candidate who, instead of posting a big, garish, red-white-and-blue sign, tends to favor smaller, more subdued signs.

The best part is, he doesn’t just put up his signs in the last month before elections. He campaigns all year round. So, I’m voting for the one candidate who has a record of sign consistency and who is not afraid to let you know where he stands on the issues.

I’m voting for this dude, Pesticide Application. (I think he’s Croatian or some other ethnic Eastern European heritage.)

It’s time to declare war on Yorkshire terriers and little kids

What I like about his signs is that, in addition to urging me to be careful with my vote, he also lets me know where he stands on the issues.

Apparently, he’s wants to eliminate little kids and people with Yorkshire terriers - both admirable goals in my book.

On the other hand, I’ll probably end up voting the same way I decide everything else.

When in doubt, vote for the hot chick ….