Get Incensed

“I don’t know but I been told…Mrs. Claus is really cold…Sound Off…One, Two ….”

There are a lot of reasons to like England.

Keeley Hazell, just to name a couple.

Just when you think Britain has got its act more together than the Colonies, something like this recent story in the Evening Standard pops up.

It seems there’s a movement afoot in the U.K. to force Santa to get in shape for the holidays. Santa is being told to lose weight and is accused of “failing to set a good example for children.”

The push for a slimmer Santa is being led by politically correct types who are touting a recent medical report projecting that, by the year 2050, over 50 percent of Britons will be obese.

So, to encourage everyone to lead a healthier lifestyle, Santa has to drop a few pounds.

It is England, so while they’re at it maybe they should encourage Santa to floss, too.

The bigger question here is, “Why you gotta hate on a fat man like that?”

Some of England’s greatest heroes have been overweight. Ever see a picture of Churchill? He was big, fat and looked like he was ready to take a bite out of Hitler’s ass.

Somehow, you don’t get the same effect with Richard Simmons, even if he is holding a cigar … at least what looks like a cigar.

The point is, Santa has a certain image to uphold. His girth is part of who he is. It makes him seem jolly and symbolizes the abundance of good cheer and good fortune we all want to be part of Christmas.

If Santa looks like Kate Moss, kids are going to get confused and figure they need to give him presents … or the name of their crystal meth dealer.

We don’t want to have kids asking questions like, “Dude, is that Santa or is it one of the kids from the Save the Children commercials?”

There are also some practical reasons for Santa to have a certain amount of excess padding.

First, he lives in the North Pole and, despite everything you’ve heard about melting polar ice caps, it’s still pretty damn cold up there.

Secondly, all that extra weight makes it harder for kids to tell if Santa’s got a woody when they sit on his lap.

Fewer lawsuits mean more profits for retailers. Everybody wins.

One shopping center (or centre, as they call them in England) has even gone so far as to set up a boot camp for wannabe Santas. The Bluewater Shopping Centre “is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolise him.”

While they’re at it maybe they can ask Santa for a “z” for Christmas.

Can we please remember that Christmas is supposed to be for the kids?

Kids are interested in one thing at Christmas. Presents. They aren’t modeling their eating behavior on a desire to have Santa’s portly profile.

There’s not a kid in all of England who looks at Santa and says, “Hey, I want to look like Jerry Garcia when I grow up.”

You’d think the land that gave us the Magna Carta, The Financial Times and Posh Spice would know better.

If you’re really that concerned about your kid having a better body, remember syringes and steroids make a great stocking stuffers.

humor, Christmas, fat Santa, thin Santa, Churchill, steroids, cigars, Richard Simmons, stocking stuffers, Posh Spice, Magna Carta,