Reinventing The Squeal, Part 2
“Tell me the truth…I’m not the first one to open this, am I? …”
In Part One of Reinventing the Squeal, I expressed my inability to get my head around (zing!) the idea of taking a Mulligan on your virginity.
Lord knows, I wish I hadn’t cried and sucked my thumb after my first sexual experience.
But, just like golf, I like to think I got better with practice. Especially the part where you win a free game if you put the ball in the clown’s mouth.
Let’s pause for a moment here so we can all insert our own hole-in-one, overhand grip or titanium shaft jokes here.
Okay, then….
What’s even crazier about this whole concept is some of the thinking behind the idea you would even need to worry about re-virginizing yourself.
By way of background, the lead character in the MSNBC article that started all this is Victoria Watts who was married for seven years, had two kids and now, at age 23, wants to be a virgin again. Here’s why:
She wished she could step back in time and recapture her lost virginity. Thinking of how “I could have ruined one of greatest fulfillments of my life,” the first time having sex with a husband, she wanted to “have that opportunity again. I know my [future] husband deserves a whole person.”
If having sex before you’re married means you’re not a whole person, then we need to do a population recount because there are a whole lot of fractional people walking around.
Heck, that probably means that instead of being around 10 million, New York City’s population is closer to three.
But wait, it gets weirder. There’s a pregnancy center in Northeast Ohio that’s promoting this particular brand of crazy.
“Have you already unwrapped the priceless gift of virginity and given it away?” asks the Web site for the Pregnancy Resource Center of Northeast Ohio … “Do you now feel like ’second-hand goods’ and no longer worthy to be cherished? Do you ever wish you could re-wrap it and give it only to your future husband or wife? Guess what…? You can decide today to commit to abstinence, wrapping a brand-new gift of virginity to present to your husband or wife on your wedding night.”
While we’re at it, can we also toss a sock of cow manure at anyone who would have the audacity to suggest that because you’re no longer a virgin you’re somehow “second-hand goods” and “no longer worthy to be cherished.”
The Pregnancy Resource Center makes it sound like this is something that just occurred to women out of the clear blue sky … not like the Church would put this idea into your head or anything.
There have been a bunch of people who’ve spent time owning the Mona Lisa, but last time I checked the painting’s still considered a pretty good collector’s item.
The attempt to denigrate the self-worth of anyone who’s experienced the joy of sexual intercourse is a particularly vile example of the kind of thing that sends thinking people running in the opposite direction anytime religious zealots roll into town.
Let’s check in with my comedian buddy Al Del Bene for a particularly appropriate take on this topic (second half of the video):
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As far as the idea that you can give your second, fifteenth or 2400th partner the “brand-new gift of virginity,” I think we should go with the accepted Christmas etiquette on this…
Just because you used new wrapping paper for the toaster doesn’t mean it’s not a re-gift.
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March 5th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
You’re totally right. Of course, it doesn’t help that 3rd base is sorta half-virginity, which opens up a knew branch of sexual mathematics. This is just time-travel sexual physics mixed in with a little psychology.
The only thing that I kinda theoretically approve of is the pregnancy center approach. I know it’s abstinence-based, but if it’s another tool in the toolbox to help women out, then I suppose I can deal with some more fantasy in society.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
I agree there’s a place for a center which offers a variety of approaches. I think such a center should be supportive, though, and not one that tries to tear down someone’s self-esteem at a vulnerable point in their lives.
March 9th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Another tool in the tool box to help women out?
I AM BLOODY INCENSED AT THAT….
AS IF the most pampered section of society actually needs MORE to “help them out”.
What amazes me is exactly what women all did before the social disease of FEMINISM came along to catapult women to the forefront of modern affairs, and then cause them to collectively open their mouths on EVERY damned issue under the sun, until we have the present case where society is set up EXCLUSIVELY for women of all age groups.
Look at the number of homeless MEN compared to women for the proof of this….
I don’t want to become a sensitive,bisexual, cross dressing, “cute” animal loving vegetarian thanks very much!
I DESPAIR at the way modern women conduct themselves, especially the younger ones, with the world revolving exclusively around their asses!
I fervently wait for two things….A brilliant researcher to come up with an ARTIFICIAL WOMB……and for Hilary Clinton to be elected so the Feminist lobby will finally have the excuse to SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN…..
March 9th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
As for tools and boxes, the only tool in the box women should be concerned about is next saturday night’s “pick up”. After all, this is the cornerstone of the whole deal…..Control the mating process and you control everything else….
THE FEMINIST BACKLASH IS “ON”
March 10th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Just looking at Jabo’s comment here….in reply to somebody else….
“I think a center should be supportive, though, and not one that tries to tear down their self esteem at a vulnerable point in their lives…”
WHOS trawling for a regular bedmate then!
If there was yet another clinic for the many “vulnerable points” in the lives of modern women, we could employ every social worker in the country dealing with just these “issues”…..
Gotta “roll your eyes” at that one!
Another Great Crisis in the lives of young women SOLVED!!!
Stay tuned for more of the same “supportiveness”…Never ending cycle that it is. Life is NOT a daytime soap opera.
WHY do women need counselling for EVERYTHING?
Or is it Social workers that need to keep finding these “problems” to guarantee themselves a job?
Either way, someone should give them the Clark Gable…
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a DAMN.”
November 15th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Here’s the other place this reasoning can take us: I actually lost my virginity waaay before I was twenty two…in fact, in high school, I was a freakin’ stud, not a shoe-gazing loser. I was positively worn out with all the action I was getting…you get the point. Thank goodness that in spite of all my virtual action, I still managed to emerge from the ’70s STD-free…
Revisionism doesn’t change a thing, except our credibility in the present.
Great blog! Thanks for the laughs.