Reinventing The Squeal, Part 1
Sorry. You can’t take it back.
If you’re like most people, there are probably a couple of instances in your life you wish you could do over.
I get that.
But, if you’re like most people, you also realize you can’t go back and re-do sophomore year of college to raise your GPA, you can’t travel back in time to take the job you were offered in another city and you can’t magically become 4-years old again and put all the flour back in the bag before your mom comes downstairs.
There’s probably one or two nights in your life where you’d wish you hadn’t had those seven extra shots of Jack or photocopied your ass on the office printer while the security camera was on.
But, let’s face it: you can’t unhit the tree with your father’s car any more than you can’t undo throwing up on Dean Wormer.
So, I’m not really sure how there came to be a “movement” toward “revirginization.”
And yet, from the same people who brought you the Immaculate Conception, coming back from the dead and multiple passings of the collection plate comes the latest invention: sexual White-Out.
Apparently, the only reason you’re not a virgin is because you say you’re not. This article from MSNBC offers some insight into the “thinking” behind the idea that you can somehow be a multiple virgin:
Victoria Watts, a 23-year-old single mother of two small children who lives in Canton, Ohio, lost her virginity at 16 with her high school boyfriend.
She was the granddaughter of a Pentecostalist pastor and the daughter of an assistant pastor, and she believed sex outside marriage was wrong…
Though the relationship lasted for seven years and produced two beautiful children, a part of Watts always felt guilty. She wished she could step back in time and recapture her lost virginity…
So Watts engaged in a lot of prayer and thought, and now declares herself a virgin once again.
Wow. Sex and two kids later and, poof!, you declare yourself a virgin and that takes care of that. I haven’t seen anything that easy since Oxy-Clean got ground in dirt and coffee stains out of a T-shirt.
Let’s see if we can reach some kind of reasonable conclusion here.
You can take a Mulligan in golf, you can edit a Word document, in some states you can even take back a car within 30 days if it’s giving you problems. Unfortunately, you can’t take back your virginity.
Feel free to “declare” whatever you want. You can declare you’re a fire-breathing dragon that’s exempt from paying income tax but that’s not going to be a big help as you meander around this silly little place people like to call “the real world.”
After they throw you in jail for tax evasion, you’ll still have the problem of having to declare your virginity all over again when you get out.
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March 4th, 2008 at 12:40 am
My friggin’ God, are you kidding me? On one hand this is so hysterical that I though I must be reading The Onion. On the other hand, knowing that it’s actually not satire, I’m simply stunned!
March 5th, 2008 at 3:21 am
Actually, when I read the title, I though it was “Re-inventing the SQUIRREL”
As I read further down the page, and could not for the life of me find anything to do with squirrels, my eye wandered back up to the top of the page…
Actually, this blog has more to do with squirrels than you might first think. I think it is every woman’s dream to be “bright eyed and bushy tailed” for the duration….and now the Church has made this possible!….
IF we can declare ourselves thus with just a few words, then my genital extremities have always been HUGE….I physiaclly pass out at the sight of my lady love, and god knows, aren’t we a tired pair of nuts after the “Bolero” symphony has run it’s course….and to think, our sex lives are now to be COMPLETELY REBORN by the Grace of the chief Squirrel Himself?
MARVELOUS, the power of the word…..
Lets call it the IMMACULATE DECONCEPTION then…shall we?
March 5th, 2008 at 9:09 am
@Christopher
hehe! Love the “immaculate deconception.”
Whether we’re talking squirrels or squeals, I think we can agree the whole thing is nuts.
@Doug
As you noted it’s very hard to parody something that’s already nonsensical. As someone explained to me, “If somebody tells you they’re an apple pie, what can you say to them? Tell them they’d taste better with cheese?”
March 5th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
[...] The Squeal, Part 2 by Mark Jabo In Part One of Reinventing the Squeal, I expressed my inability to get my head around (zing!) the idea of taking a Mulligan on your [...]
March 6th, 2008 at 3:10 am
Good one Jabs….
I’m fast becoming a “fan” of this site….I regularly get incensed over the issues of the day….and right you are about parody of insanity being a difficult one!
I look forward to more of your brand of insanity….by the way, do you know that JABO is another word in German for HUNTER?….It’s the name that suffering German infantry gave to ground attack planes that bombed them, they pronounced it “YABO”….and it seems very appropriate for a sight like this!…
Keep those divebombers flying!
March 6th, 2008 at 3:16 am
Just looking back at the blog itself…
“though the relayionship lasted seven years and produced two beautiful children, a part of Watts felt guilty…..”
NO PRIZES for guessing just WHICH part, eh?