Get Incensed

“If Homosexuality is a disease, can I call in Queer?”

From an earlier post:

Hallmark recently announced that they are expanding their greeting card line. Not content to churn out trite sentiments and pithy rhymes for birthdays, deaths, weddings, bar mitzvahs, friendship, love, thinking of you, congratulations, good luck, sorry your dog died, and all the major secular and religious holidays, Hallmark did what most $4 billion dollar a year companies do: they went looking for new markets.

(… continued)
I think Hallmark may be on to something. Their new Journeys line of cards looks to address such diverse and sensitive issues such as cancer, rehab, infertility, depression and coming out.

You know, situations that just call out for a canned show of support penned by a complete stranger.

Hallmark cards for people with cancer have rhymes like: Cancer is a villain who doesn’t play fair … but it can’t dim your spirit, and it can’t silence prayer and a more jaunty: One year free of the Big Bad C.

These cards may be more effective than they appear at first glance. I know if I was a smoker, the threat of getting one of these cards would be enough to make me quit cigarettes for good.

Hallmark recently advertised for freelance journalists to contribute to their new line of cards.

Here are a few submissions I hope I can make some money on:

Unexpected pregnancy:
(Boyfriend)
We had a moment in time,
I was one of your “scores,”
No need to worry,
The baby’s not yours.

Infertility:
(Husband)
To my darling husband,
You’ve paid for hormones and treatments,
And for that, I say “thanks,”
But I screwed the FedEx guy,
‘Cause you’re shooting blanks

Depression:
Things may look bad now,
But, the future … no one can see,
You’ll find your next soul mate,
Maybe she’ll be drug and disease free.

Thinking of suicide:
Cover copy: So, you’ve decided to end it all …
Inside copy: Maybe you’re right.

Coming out:
I know this decision can be difficult,
You just want the yelling to stop,
I’m here to support you,
By the way … I’m a “top.”

Molested by your teacher:
I know you’re going through a lot right now
And it seems like your world has been turned upside down.
Know that it’s not your fault.
She took advantage of you.
I respect you for sharing your secret with me,
You have an inner strength like no one else I know,
And I’m glad that you’re my friend.
It may not seem like it now,
But you will be able to move on from here …
Hey, do you think she’d be up for a three-way?

I can hardly wait for the musical e-cards ….

Hallmark, Journeys, cancer, infertility, rehab, suicide, coming out, molested by teacher,