Get Incensed

The classics never go out of style. Robert Plant sings “One Bad Apple” from the Osmond’s Greatest Hits Catalog

I normally don’t take requests on this blog, but awhile back fellow 451er Barbara Waters had a little bit of a health scare and I volunteered to guest post on her site.

There was only one problem … her site is Knitting Passion.

So with that, here is the slightly tweaked version of The Truth is Out There…

Greetings to all you passionate knitters out there.

This is what’s known as a guest post. As in, I guessed I could write a post about knitting, but now, I’m not so sure …

One of the most common bromides in “the writing game” is to “write what you know.”

Another common bromide is to put random words in quotes so you appear as if you have “inside knowledge” and are “superior” to all the “ordinary people” who don’t know as much about your “topic” as “you.”

Having said that, I know absolutely nothing about knitting.

Well, that about wraps it up for this guest post ….

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Hahahaha. Aren’t we having fun?

Only 135 more words and a link to go before we qualify Barbara to get paid for hanging out in the hospital.

Pssst. Between you and me, I don’t think Barbara thought this plan through before she put it into action. Sure, she can get people to blog for her, but the amount of money she’ll make from this post will just about cover a Band-Aid. And that’s only if the hospital buys generic.

I’m not sure why I think Barbara can’t read anything in italics, but let’s not let that stand in the way of a good time …

As a non-knitter (or should that be knon-knitter?), I thought maybe we could all learn something if we were to explore some of the common misconceptions about knitting.

So, grab your balls (of yarn) and let’s take a look at (cue dramatic orchestra music) …

The Top Five Misconceptions About Knitting!

Let’s address one of the most common mistaken conclusions people draw right off the bat …

1. Only old people knit. I’ll say that louder for all of you who have hearing aids … ONLY OLD PEOPLE KNIT. I’m kidding, of course. Sure, your grandmother knits. That doesn’t mean only old people knit anymore than the incident with your uncle means that only kids over 21 should be allowed to have birthday parties.

Knitting is more popular than ever among teens and young adults. Hey, I even heard Apple is coming out with the iNeedle – a combination knitting needle and MP3 player which allows you to purl and listen to your favorite Big Band tunes at the same time.

Now, that we’ve dispensed with the “old” stereotype let’s move on to another common misunderstanding about knitting ….

2. Knitting is just for women. Please. Haven’t 40 years of Cosmo and a woman running for President taught us that there are no gender restrictions on what men and women can do? You bet they have.

Don’t worry, we’ll get that whole pay discrepancy thing hammered out in another 40 years or so.

Did you know there is a website dedicated to men who enjoy knitting? It’s filled with nearly a dozen (okay, eight) pictures of men who knit, a rundown of the history of men in knitting and links to other useful sites … like ones that offer self-defense tips.

Knitting is not just for women. It’s also for men who are secure with their masculinity. Really secure.

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Macho, macho man…
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Man, we are just exploding one myth after another. Let’s continue ….

3. Everyone who knits owns at least seven cats. This is absolutely not true. Five cats is usually the max. No one is saying you have to have a cat if you knit, but most other animals tend to get bored after playing with a ball of yarn for 57 minutes straight.

Knitters are good-natured people who like to have fun, especially with bloggers who gently rib them about their hobby. For that reason, knitters may have other pets they keep in their knitting basket such as cobras. Asking you to get the red yarn out of the basket is their way of accepting you into their group. Sure, you may require an ambulance, but you’ll have a knitting story (and a snake phobia) to last a lifetime.

Shall we proceed to the next big yarn (zing!) about knitting? ….

4. There are only five things you can knit: a scarf, a hat, socks, gloves or an afghan. Okay, now we’re just getting silly. Savvy knitters know that you can also create a square piece of knitting and call it whatever you’d like. It can be a potholder, a drink coaster, a doily, a trivet or a decorative wall hanging. Many knitters refer to this square piece of finished yarn by its more common name: practice.

People unfamiliar with knitting often make the mistake of calling an afghan a “blanket.” This is incorrect. A blanket covers your feet when you lay down, an afghan comes to slightly below your waist. The real purpose of an afghan is to cover your shoulders when you read, watch TV or sit in the window of the Bates Motel. Truth be told, an afghan is really just an extra wide scarf.

Or is a scarf just a really narrow afghan? It’s all so confusing.

I told you I didn’t know anything about knitting. But, everyone is in agreement on the final point ….

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The Truth is Out There…
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5. There are no reliable, first-person accounts of anyone actually witnessing a knitting project being completed. This is one case where the perception is totally true. No one has ever been in the room with someone as they put the final stitch in a sweater and said, “A-ha!”

And it’s not just because “A-ha!” is something people only say in 18th century detective novels.

What usually happens is you see a friend of yours on Tuesday. She will be knitting what she says is a sweater but what actually looks like an amorphous conglomeration of stitching. When you go over to her house on Sunday, your friend proudly displays the finished creation.

Doesn’t that seem a bit odd? Can anyone actually be that talented that they can make an article of clothing out of random pieces of string?

You are not alone. There are many of us who suspect that there is a section of desert in the Western United States where highly-evolved sentient beings (”knitters”) have a vast underground warehouse of finished products. The warehouse is divided into five sections: Hats, Socks, Gloves, Scarves/Afghans and Practice. Finished pieces are sent out to those knitters who request them to maintain their cover.

Everyone knows that knitters are merely waiting for the right moment to join together and take over the world … or is that the quilters? But, until the day the knitters are ready to reveal themselves and save the planet, the have to do something to pass the time … so, they knit.

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It’s important to have a hobby…
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You may not believe everything I’ve told you about knitting fallacies and about the existence of alien beings who knit. But I was abducted by one of these knitters and have been with her for nearly two years now.

And I’m here to tell you — if there’s one thing you can say about knitters it’s this: sex with them is fantastic!

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth