Get Incensed

Color me. Bad.

I’m going to start off with a disclaimer.

I view pet owners the same way I view people on the Jerry Springer Show — I don’t understand them but I like to look at them and think, “Well, at least I’m not that crazy.”

Just like Star Trek fans, pet owners have trade shows and conventions throughout the year. A recent article in the Chicago Tribune outlined some of the hot new products featured at this year’s H.H. Backer Associates Pet Industry Trade Show.

First up, the Poop Tent. The Poop Tent is for difficult dogs or small children that refuse to go out in the rain or snow to do their business. You set up the Poop Tent in a place where your dog usually goes to the bathroom and it provides a sanctuary of “privacy and dry comfort.”

If you really want to raise your dog’s self esteem you can get the Poop Night Club and Lounge that comes with a bouncer and a velvet rope. Only select dogs are allowed into the P-Lounge. Slip an extra fifty bucks to the doorman and your dog can get his own private table and complimentary champagne.

The P-Lounge will also help you to teach your dog he has to bring another hot-looking dog with him if he wants to get in without waiting in the rain for two hours.

In case you’re Paris Hilton, you’ll be glad to hear about this next product. It’s from an international company called Pet Esthe.

Pet Esthe’s website says that they are an esthetic brand for pets “combining the spirit of Paris and the innovation of Japan.”

Contrary to what you might think, this doesn’t mean your pet has to eat rich food and masturbate to violent comic book porn.

Pet Esthe markets a line of fur dye called Vivid Color. Vivid Color allows you to dye your pet a variety of different hues.

Need something to go with that saucy little black dress you just bought? Why not dye your cat bright red and make that outfit just “pop!”

I’ve only recently moved in with someone who owns both a dog and a cat, so I’m a little fuzzy on a lot of the pet rules and etiquette.

I’m pretty sure of one thing, though. Your dog is not a fashion accessory.

If a name-brand dog is important to you, you may want to wander over to the booth where they’re selling designer branding irons. Nothing says you’ve arrived like a brand of a dude playing polo on your newly-dyed, watermelon-colored bichon frise.

For a younger demographic, I hear Abercrombie and Fitch is getting into the pet business. They’ll be putting their exclusive line of dogs, cats and parrots into a large machine that resembles a clothes dryer.

The pets will tumble around with some gravel for three or four hours, resulting in pets which have a distinctive frayed and weathered look. The pets will also be twice as expensive as those in a regular pet store.

Last, but certainly not least, the pet trade show also featured Art-Casso’s painting kits for pets. These kits come with five colors of paint, paw protectors and three whole sheets of art paper.

The kits allow you and your pet to “create a masterpiece you’ll cherish forever.” Chances are it’ll look a lot like a real Picasso, too.

Everybody’s pet thinks it has unique artistic talent … but, it’s a jungle out there. For every four-legged Van Gogh there are thousands of pets who will shell out $24.99 per kit only to end up penniless and alone in a studio apartment with no heat.

As a responsible owner, you’ll want to make sure your pet learns a skill, like accounting. That way they have something to fall back on if their paintings don’t sell right away.

One thing is certain, you can expect to see more trade shows in the future.

The American Pet Products Manufacturers Association data shows spending on pets has doubled in the last 12 years. Americans spend over $37 billion a year on their pets, including over $10 billion on flea products.

As they say in the industry, that’s a lot of scratch.

humor, H.H. Backer, Art-Casso, Pet Esthe, Picasso, Van Gogh, Abercrombie and Fitch, Polo, bichon frise, Star Trek, Jerry Springer, pet owners