Notes From The Road
“Now where did I put my chipotle-flavored leggings? ….”
I’ve been traveling a lot over the past week which means I’ve been spending a whole bunch of time in airports. The great thing about flying around the country is that it gives you an inordinate amount of time to think. Or to observe a large cross-section of humanity. Or to think about what you’ve observed in a large cross-section of humanity.
Let me just say by way of disclaimer, that’s not necessarily a good thing.
For better or for worse, here are a few notes on what I’ve observed over the last few days:
Look for a similar trend to catch on with guys as more and more men show up in just their boxers or completely naked.
I think this trend will have officially jumped the shark when Gerber starts making chipotle-flavored baby food.
And some kind of dressing flavored with chipotle.
The ugly truth is, no matter how many times you’re fooled into ordering the wrap, it will always taste like you’re eating a bunch of ingredients wrapped in construction paper. It is also some kind of immutable law of the universe that the construction paper will get stuck to the roof of your mouth just behind your front teeth.
You will spend the next several minutes doing your best Jerry Lewis impersonation as you sit with your finger stuck in your mouth trying to scrape sun-dried tomato basil papier mache off your palate. There is some law of the universe which necessitates that this will also be the exact moment you make eye-contact with a hot-looking blonde across the room.
She will turn to her friend and make some kind of crack about how even retards can afford to fly these days. And thus the circle of life, which began with you trying to get a date in high school, comes to its 360-degree conclusion.
Naturally, she assumes this is an invitation to explain what she and the other voices in her head believe on a variety of topics.
Naturally, this includes at least one story involving cats.
In the air traveler’s version of post-traumatic stress syndrome, you will immediately forget everything this lady said during the trip … except for the final insane nugget she lays on you as you are getting ready to exit the plane.
Upon seeing your girlfriend zip up her purse the lady turns, grabs your girlfriend’s arm and says, “That’s very smart, dear. You know these days the Mexicans and Peruvians are coming up North … and they’ll take your wallet in a second.”
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I get how you could watch too much Lou Dobbs and be afraid of Mexicans, but how the hell did the Peruvians get dragged into the equation?!
I’ve been up late for two straight nights now and I’m still staring at the ceiling trying to figure that out.
It must be time to go on another trip.
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April 8th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
dear god have you nailed it!! i travel a lot and i sit and people watch with astonishment, hide with my face planted on the window and eat as much greasy food as i can get my hands on…..because you just KNOW what you’ll be getting!
April 8th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Inga, you are obviously a wise and seasoned traveler. If you see me in the airport, please prevent me from buying the wrap.