Get Incensed

“That funny feeling has me amazed,
Don’t know what to do,
My clothing’s ablaze.
It’s like a heat wave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…”

Sometimes, when two great ideas come together, magic happens …

Like when somebody thought up the idea of combining chocolate and peanut butter to get the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Brilliant.

Sometimes the results are more mixed …

Like the guy who decided to combine the time-saving technology of the microwave with American military might. Hmmmm, let me think about this one for a minute.

American military commanders in Iraq are urging the Pentagon to approve the deployment of a new heat wave gun. The generals feel the gun, which fires a focused beam of radio waves that heats up the molecules in a person’s skin, will be very useful in Iraq.

The gun can be used to break up angry crowds, repel hostile combatants and caramelize the hell out of chopped onions from 750 yards away.

Apparently, there is a specific division of the military that is tasked with the development of non-lethal weapons … which is a lot like having a separate sex-education class that just deals with hand-jobs. You’re getting away from your basic mission and missing all the good stuff.

Somewhere along the line, the job of the military got all twisted around by political correctness. The job of an army is to kick ass. The basic job description of a soldier is “kill more of their guys than they kill of yours.”

Anyone who’s ever played Call of Duty 2 knows that.

There’s a reason there’s not a single video game where the object is crowd control and winning the hearts and minds of other online gamers.

Like life, the object of the game is to win … not play the game for four years with no resolution, no definable goal and no end in sight.

The military has spent 10 years developing the heat weapon which is referred to as the ADS, or Active Denial System.

Even the name of the weapon doesn’t inspire the kind of intimidation we’ve grown accustomed to. What happened to terminology like Operation Desert Storm or Shock and Awe?

Active Denial System sounds like a strategy for a teenage girl on a date.

The George Foreman Grill sounds more intimidating than this thing.

If you really want to scare people, you should call it the Iron Chef because the dude that hosts that show is a complete psycho.

On top of everything else, the roll-out of the weapon is being handled more like a zoning meeting for a new Wal-Mart than a demonstration of the military’s technological superiority.

Colonel Kirk Hymes, who’s in charge of non-lethal weapons, said, “With brand new technology like this, perception is everything … This is not something we want to roll out and deploy and surprise people. We know we need to educate the public.”

Why?

We’ve got a new, effective weapon. Why do we need to hold a Tupperware party so that all the jihadists in the neighborhood can better understand it?

There are suicide bombers over in Iraq who are blowing up soldiers and children as the soldiers are handing out candy. The only thing you need to educate these idiots about is that the gun creates an extremely painful heat wave and is pinpoint accurate from over seven football fields away.

It might even help if you circulated a little disinformation.

“Hey, Osama. You know that intense burning sensation you thought was venereal disease? It’s really the U.S. Marines and we’ve got the world’s most powerful microwave aimed right at your minaret. Stay in line or you’re going to have front row seats at a little American tradition called a wienie roast.”

A decision on the weapon is expected later this year. If it’s green-lighted, deployment of the weapon could start early next year.

There will, of course, be a learning curve for implementation and use of this new battlefield gadget. There’s a rumor the Pentagon is currently in talks with the CIA on how to maximize the benefits of the new technology.

After all, who better than the Culinary Institute of America when it comes to learning about cooking?

Most top chefs agree that the hardest part is getting close enough to season the enemy properly before roasting.

Hey, there’s a Blog Carnival going on over at The Gonzo Papers. Stop by, check out the sideshow and give Kilroy a high-five on his second blogiversary.

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