John McCain Looks To Appeal To Younger Voters
“Yo, dude, let me rap with you about social security…”
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This report is the first in a series of articles about the upcoming hysterical historical Presidential election…
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Republican candidate John McCain took a combative stance on the campaign trail, saying he will actively look to court younger voters. McCain indicated he would be targeting voters as young as 55 by letting them know he was one of the first members of Congress to switch from a rotary to a push-button phone.
Speaking at a fundraiser sponsored by Metamucil, McCain said, “Even though I went to school with Cleopatra, it doesn’t mean I’m not boss enough to talk to all you cats about the importance of this election.”
“I can still remember listening to Frank Sinatra and staying up late to watch the Tonight Show with Jack Paar. Do you really want to trust the Oval Office to someone who grew up watching porn on the Interwebs and playing violent video games like Pong and Ms. Pac-man?” McCain said in a veiled swipe at front-running Democratic hopeful, Barack Obama.
“We don’t need someone who has a nuanced view of the world,” McCain asserted. “I see the world in black-and-white terms because that’s the kind of television I grew up with.”
McCain said he hoped voters would feel more comfortable with him the more they got to know him.
“Think of me as that crazy old coot of a grandfather who’s just as likely to talk lucidly about politics as try to take his underwear off over his head. Don’tcha just love that guy?”
Campaign officials said McCain had a full slate of activities scheduled for the rest of the week including frequent napping, being tested for melanoma and storing food in his cheeks for winter.
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