Get Incensed

Google “ad execs” under Images and the first photo you’ll get is one which shows exactly how the advertising industry thinks of you.
(Hint: You’re the white horse.)

If you ever get trapped in an elevator with a group of Madison Avenue types (and you manage to resist the urge to kill yourself), you will probably hear from these marketing moonies that “free” is considered to be the most powerful word in advertising.

This is one of those famous truisms from the ad game like “sex sells” or “Bob’s secretary is easy.” These sayings are only true under certain conditions … like right up until the point where Christian groups boycott your product or where Bob’s secretary gets your house in a sexual harassment settlement.

There comes a point, Mad Men, at which a marketing gimmick becomes little more than an insult to my intelligence. Once you’ve reached that point, you’re not convincing me to buy your product … you’re just pissing me off.

Take your local cable company, for example.

Okay, I know that picking on the cable company is like tying your shoe or getting to third base with Lindsay Lohan … they’re both easy to do without thinking and there’s no lasting satisfaction from accomplishing either one.

Still, is it too much to ask that these guys don’t rub your face in the fact they’ve got a better economic model than your local crack dealer?

Which is why I go into a slow boil every time the cable company lets me know that I can get their cable and high-speed internet service with “FREE self-installation.”

Wow! Where do I sign?! Is that like the “free self-installation” I get with every clock-radio or pack of light bulbs?

I think a better idea would be if the cable company gave me a free vibrator to “self-install.” You know, just to remind me of exactly how good a deal basic cable really is.

If you’re an ad agency and you’re serious about sending me over the edge, make sure your product packaging tries to convince me that something I’d normally expect to be included is somehow a “bonus” item.

I was in Target recently and saw a display of inflatable beds. I realize many consumers are not as savvy as I am and might not think about how you’d lug a 40-pound queen-size mattress and attached inflation pump from place to place.

Fortunately, the company also included this irresistible extra on the box: “Includes FREE bonus carry bag!”

How could I resist purchasing one of these “must-have” items? Especially since this offer was so much better than the “free piece of rope” that came with the last air-mattress I bought.

As someone who travels, I am particularly irked by an item that has become a staple of the hospitality industry. I’m referring, of course, to the “FREE continental breakfast” that most hotels like to brag about.

Note to hotel staff: You know what would impress me more than a free donut and watered-down coffee? Sound-proof walls so I can’t hear the guy in the next room clip his toenails before he and his woman audition for Talk Dirty to Me, Vol. 27.

It just doesn’t seem like that much to ask when you’re paying $14.00 an hour.

On the rare occasion when I do stay at an upscale hotel, I’d like to save some money by skipping the marketing package that lets me know hotel management is “thinking of me” with their “turn down service and mouth-watering chocolate mint” on my pillow.

I drool enough in my sleep without a mouth-watering chocolate and if I’m really looking to save some money, I’ll buy my own mint and sleep in the park.

See, I got this bonus bag that lets me carry my air mattress around….

As always, we need to follow the advice of that famous consumer advocate, Janis Joplin, who once said, “Caveat emptor” which is Latin for “nothing ain’t worth nothin’ … but it’s free.”

free stuff, Target, Janis Joplin, cable TV, air mattress