Get Incensed

“Have you seen my pet snake, Attica?” ….

Whatever happened to people working out their problems with something other than legal action?

Deborah Stamm, a student at the University of Rochester is suing the school “to let her have her Labrador retriever live with her in her dorm and join her virtually everywhere she goes on campus.” The animal, according to the student, provides “emotional support.”

The school has a no pets rule and has said the dog does not qualify as a “service animal.”

Even wackier is that the case is one of growing number of such lawsuits that attempt to widen the definition of what a disability is and what can be considered “treatment.” Cases across the country have involved “cats, ferrets, snakes and even spiders.”

Like thousands of other students across the country, Deborah found it hard adjusting to college life. Psychologists have a name for the kind of emotional instability experienced by students during what, for most of them, is their first time living away from home and fending for themselves. It’s called “Freshman Year.”

Strangely enough, most of us get through it with a combination of alcohol and an occasional restraining order.

Still, Deborah has decided that she needed her dog Sid, which is short for Obsidian (’cause he’s a black Lab, get it?), to help her cope with the trials and tribulations of adjusting to college.

Somehow, I’m not sure the dog is going to help that much. If this girl is emotionally unstable now, what do you think is going to happen when she walks by the Kappa Sig frat and a bunch of football players break into a chorus of Donny Osmond’s “It’s Only Puppy Love.”

At that point, you’ll probably have a campus shooting on your hands.

I’m no doctor, but if you’re so unstable you can’t make it through the first week of classes without your pet spider … college isn’t your biggest problem.

Looking down the road a bit, what do you think Deborah’s chances are when she goes to a job interview and turns to ask Sid what he thinks her top three weaknesses are?

“Sorry, miss, the position of bat-shit crazy fry girl is already taken.”

It’s college. And college is like life. Life doesn’t adjust to you … you adjust to life.

But shouldn’t we make an exception for people who need some kind of emotional support to get through English Lit?

Absolutely. So, when are we going to allow people to start smoking again in the classroom?

It’s amazing to me that a lot of the same people who would banish smokers to sub-zero temperatures have no problem turning a classrooms into a hairy, dander-filled litter box because someone wants to refer to their ferret as their “special friend.”

I have enough problems getting up for an 8:00 a.m. Economics class without turning it into a combination petting zoo and allergy test. I don’t need a cat at that hour, I need coffee.

Like it’s not already hard enough to b.s. your way through an essay question on your Anthropology 101 exam without having a dog humping your leg while you’re trying to do it.

If this lawsuit succeeds, I’m going back to school. It’s a lot of pressure, so the college will need to make some accommodations for me.

Say hello to Bambi. She’s my service hooker.

Provides emotional stability…