Get Incensed

Trenton and Atlanta ruled out as sites for this year’s Plumber’s Convention….

I hate argyle sweater vests. They remind me of the times when my parents used to dress me for school. It’s a little known fact, but I once held the Guinness Book of World Records mark for consecutive days getting my ass kicked.

Then, one day, I’d finally had enough.

Not only did I refuse to wear any more argyle, but I also declared my major and moved into the dorms on campus.

The point is, as much as I hate argyle sweater vests, I would never in my wildest dreams think of writing to my Congressman or state legislator to have them banned.

Apparently, people offended by baggy pants don’t feel the same way since there are now initiatives in Louisiana, Atlanta, Dallas and Trenton, New Jersey to criminalize the wearing of certain kinds of pants or wearing pants in a certain kind of way.

When did the Fashion Police become the Fashion KGB?

The last time I checked, the icon standing in New York harbor was the Statue of Liberty, not Mr. Blackwell.

Let’s just stop for a minute here, people. Are we out of our minds?! If you were ever going to ban something, it should have been the leisure suit.

If you’re a city council member or state legislator and you don’t have anything better to do than try to crack down on ass cracks, I would suggest eliminating your job is a good first step toward reducing the overall size of government.

The only thing more tortured than the right to freedom of expression here is the logic behind the push to regulate fashion.

In Trenton, getting caught with your pants down “may soon result in not only a fine, but also a city worker assessing where your life is headed.”

Ahh, sweet irony. A city worker is going to tell me where my life is headed. This would certainly cut down on baggy pants wearing because if I ever found myself taking advice from a city worker, I’d prolly kill myself.

As an added bonus, maybe Paris Hilton can throw in some lessons on classy behavior.

Last time I checked I thought we were fighting the Taliban, not trying to enforce their clothing restrictions.

What’s next? Are we going to do the same thing we did with drugs and declare a War on Baggy Pants?

Knuckleheads like Atlanta councilman C.T. Martin say they are just trying to protect the children, “It has the potential to catch on with elementary school kids, and we want to stop it before it gets there.”

Because everyone knows baggy pants lead to more hard-core fashion violations. I knew a kid who wore baggy pants in high school and now he’s strung out on Madras and polyester.

“Teachers have raised questions about what a distraction it is,” said C.T., who was obviously so distracted when he went to school he couldn’t learn to spell out his name.

Come on. The Italian girl who matured three years earlier than everyone else is a distraction. Shots being fired in the hallway are a distraction. The seventh game of the World Series during math class is a distraction. Having your teacher hit on you is a distraction.

Dudes in low-riding jeans aren’t a distraction. Unless they’re shooting at you in the hallway.

Distraction

Not a distraction

Gawd, what a boring world it would be if we regulated fashion. It would be like going to school at The Gap.

If we’re going to regulate baggy jeans, why stop there? Let’s outlaw other fashion transgressions like popping the collar on your Izod or wearing a bow tie.

Actually, in this case I’m in favor of vigilante justice … someone should taser that Tucker Carlson dude.

And why stop with kids? Can we puh-leeze have a statute on the books outlawing chin-high Bermuda shorts on old men and lime green Crocs on anyone over the age of eleven?

If you don’t want kids to act and dress differently there’s really only one solution … don’t have kids.

Wearing clothes that piss off adults is what kids do. If the worst thing you can say about your kid is that you’re upset he doesn’t wear a belt … congratulations. You’re doing one helluva parenting job.

The solution to youthful fashion transgressions isn’t government regulation. The solution is the same as it’s always been … laugh at them and remind them they’re going to have to get a job soon.

And make sure you hold on to the pictures of them when they are teens. It’s invaluable blackmail material later on.

At least they’re not dressing like this.

fashion police, no sense of humor, baggy pants, bell bottoms, Tucker Carlson,