Get Incensed

“Maybe now people will get off my case…”

Senator Larry Craig, the former Idaho chairman of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, is attempting to spin the guilty plea he entered earlier this month for disorderly conduct.

The plea was a result of the Senator being arrested for lewd behavior in the Minneapolis-St.Paul airport bathroom.

Craig issued a statement saying that the undercover cop who arrested him “misconstrued” his actions which included nudging the officer’s foot and reaching under the stall. In general, that’s enough to get you booked by most policemen, unless you’re the cop from the Village People.

Senator Craig maintained that he should have contacted a lawyer and his plea was simply an attempt to “handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously.”

It’s always enjoyable to see a politician hoisted on his own petard, especially in a case like this where the senator in question has been consistent in his opposition to gay rights.

But really, haven’t we moved beyond the point where we should be interested and titillated by the sexual proclivities of two consenting adults?

Well, okay, maybe we can be titillated under the right circumstances, but it seems like we’re paying far too much attention to something that’s just plain boring.

As Dennis Miller once said, “There is nothing in this world that interests me less than your orgasm.”

Still, I would be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to compile a couple of gratuitous Top Ten lists for your (and my own) juvenile enjoyment.

It is, after all, an election year and we can use all the distractions we can get from the political process.

As is the custom here at GI, we’ll go with two lists. One specific list for Senators from Idaho and one general list that you can use at your next housewarming party so as not to upset all the genteel folk.

Top Ten Eleven Self-Pleasuring Euphemisms for Senator Larry Craig (R-Horny-Idaho):
1. Filibustering
2. Bringing a Bill to the Senate floor
3. Thumbing through the Congressional Record
4. Visiting the Washington Monument
5. Pressing the flesh
6. Poling his focus group
7. Campaigning hard
8. Minority whip
9. Seconding a motion
10. Living in his own private Idaho
11. Handling the matter himself quickly and expeditiously

The Top Ten Eleven Self-Pleasuring Euphemisms for the Rest of Us:
1. A date with Pamela Handerson
2. Roughing up the suspect
3. Shuffling your iPod
4. Making stomach pancakes
5. Releasing the hostages
6. Turning Japanese
7. Double-clicking the mouse
8. Dishonorable discharge
9. Getting in touch with yourself
10. Jackin’ the beanstalk
11. Pumping your gas at the self-service island

Feel free to add your own favorites in the comments section….