Get Incensed

“Down, boy!” …

A Cosmopolitan-Style Guide to Training Your Man

Men are a lot like puppies. They are highly excitable, they have an innate desire to please, and you need to train them if you want them to grow up and be a loyal companion. As much as you might like to resort to the occasional smack with a rolled up newspaper, reward and encouragement are the best tools to use to promote consistent good conduct.

In a perfect world, you’d be able to just whistle and have him come running to satisfy you. While you may not get to that point, here are five time-honored training commands you must learn to get your partner to perform the way you want him to in and out of the bedroom.

1. SIT
Let’s start with the basics. Making him wait in expectation of a reward can increase the intensity of a pleasurable experience. It works with dogs, too. In his case, anticipation is a powerful aphrodisiac. You’ll be stimulating his brain as well as his libido.

Training tip: Are you scheduled to go out with him on Thursday night? Call him Wednesday afternoon at work and tell him how excited you are to get together with him. Drop a hint or two in a sexy voice about the kind of fun he might have in store when you two finally do hook up. Hear that? That’s him panting over the phone.

2. SPEAK!
Like sitting on command, communication is key in any successful relationship. Men are three times more likely to talk about sex with the guys than they are with their girlfriend. That is so wrong. It would be nice if every guy was pre-trained in the art of making love but even in that case you’d still need to let him know what you like.

Training tip: Does he know your favorite time for making love? Can he sense what sexual position makes you purr? Don’t be afraid to become the leader of the pack when it comes to talking about sex. Men and puppies both turn shy and quiet in awkward situations. Just knowing that you’re comfortable with the topic will go a long way toward putting him at ease. Rubbing his belly while you talk will also help to relax him.
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“Nice! … doggie …”

3. FETCH
Now that he can sit and speak like a show dog, chances are your guy needs to learn to be more responsive to your needs. The good news is, men like to feel they’re needed. You can help nurture his alpha-dog tendencies by being alert to opportunities throughout the day that allow him to show off his manliness. Stoke his ego and you’ll be rewarded by a pet who is more playful and confident in the bedroom.

Training tip: Ask him to do little favors for you throughout the day like getting something off a high shelf or moving a piece of furniture (you can always move it back after he leaves). Start small and work your way up to bigger things like painting your house or finding your G-spot. As always, be sure to reward him with either a long, wet kiss or a slice of pepperoni pizza.

4. HEEL
Teaching him to heel is more difficult than fetching but it’s worth the effort. The American Kennel Club training manual notes, “It is important that any dog learn to walk beside its owner on a loose lead, neither pulling ahead nor lagging behind.” You’ll want to remember that advice when you take your guy out to a club or any kind of party. His natural tendency will be to stray in an attempt to find a perky cheerleader or a top-heavy waitress that works at Hooters.

Training tip: Use the tone of your voice to let him know when he is getting too far afield. A stern, but not shrill, tone works here. You don’t want to scare him off. Later on, take him home and show him why you’re the one he loves to romp with. Nothing says you can’t fantasize about the bartender at the same time.

5. DOWN, BOY
Once you’re in control, it’s time to mark your territory regarding foreplay. When it comes to oral sex, it may be difficult to get him to commit to sniffing out different ways to excite you. Still, it is possible to teach an old dog a new trick or two. The art of giving oral pleasure is a learned talent so you’ll want to persuade him it is to his advantage to master this skill.

Training tip: Be firm. When he moves from your earlobe down to kiss your neck, place your hands on his head and encourage him to continue to move lower. A strong, steady push or, in some difficult cases, a choke collar from Petco should carry the day. When he finally does get the hint and yes, after a few corrections he will, praising him and scratching him behind the ears will cement his desire to please.

If you follow these basic pointers, there’s one trick he may do all on his own: sit up and beg.

Now, that’s a good boy. Time for a treat….