Get Incensed

You’re not the first to run out on me….

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t hate animals. I just don’t like them as much human beings.

And that’s where I get into trouble with all the hard-core animal rights activists.

PETA and other wing-nuts want to extend human rights to animals. This is not a good idea. In most states, you’re considered to be common law married if you live with someone for seven years.

Do we really want a situation where, if you lived with a dog for seven years, your pooch would be entitled to half your stuff?

Come to think of it, with a good lawyer, your dog might be able to argue you should be considered hitched after just one year, since one human year equals seven dog years.

It’s bad enough having to buy your ex-wife a car so she can drive around with other guys, how are you going to feel when you’re sending $1500 a month to your ex-Golden Retriever, Ginger, so that somebody else can pet her and blow pot smoke in her face?

And then there’s that awkward chance meeting on the street…

Ginger: Woof!
You: Hi. How are you doing? You look good.
Ginger: Woof!
You: It’s great you found a new owner, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy…
Ginger: Woof! Woof!
You: Yeah, I’ve moved on. I’ve got this new chocolate Lab. She’s really friendly and she can catch a Frisbee…
Ginger: Grrrrr.
You: Oh, sorry…I forgot how sensitive you are about that whole mouth-eye coordination thing….
Ginger: Grrrrrr…grrrr…
You: Relax. She hasn’t even licked my face yet. We just met a couple of weeks ago. Hey, great seeing you again. Take care. (sotto voce) …Bitch.

I have a friend who’s a PETA member and is anti-fur but the dude owns a dog. What’s the message here? Killing is bad, but slavery is OK?

Up until recently, I never lived with a cat or a dog. I just didn’t think I could take the emotional trauma of having a companion of more than 10 years die on me. Which is why I always thought my first pet would be a parrot.

Parrots have an average lifespan of over 40 years. Plus there’s always the chance they’ll say something nice about you at your funeral.

Because who knows what kind of “accident” might happen if I continue to to wear fur and stand in the way of giving animals the right to vote.