Get Incensed

Could things get any worse for Roger Clemens?

I think it’s safe to say Roger Clemens is having a bad year. That used to mean he’d lost control of his curve ball.

Now that I think about it, that may still be a pretty good description of his situation.

I’m not going to sit here and say that being a celebrity sucks (especially since money, sex and access usually go along with the territory), but it’s certainly harder to be famous in this age of cell phone cameras, YouTube and papparrazi than it used to be.

A guy can’t even hang out with hookers, country singers or another guy’s wife without having it make headlines. Sheesh!

It’s patently unreasonable to expect celebrities to be somehow better behaved than the rest of us. I can only speak for myself, but I’m pretty sure if someone had given me $40 million dollars when I was 21 years old, I would’ve been dead by the time I was twenty one and a half.

I’m not sure “having waaay too much fun” could be listed as an official cause of death but doesn’t that mean the real surprise here is not how many athletes get into trouble but rather how amazing it is that the clubhouse at any major stadium doesn’t look like the set of a porn film?

The real problem people have is the hypocrisy. If you’re a crusading law-and-order governor, you can’t get caught having unprotected sex with hookers. If you bill yourself as a drug-free, family man, you can’t expect not to catch some grief when people discover you’re injecting horse-hormones into your ass and banging a country singer you met in a bar.

The combination of occasional drug use and promiscuity doesn’t make you a bad person … it just makes you Russell Crowe.

As it turns out, celebrities face the same basic decision we all do: Do you want to be married or single?

Well, that and, after getting front row seats to an NBA playoff game, whether they want to sleep with the Playboy playmate or the supermodel.

For the purposes of this discussion, I’m going to focus on a decision I can actually relate to.

The point here is, you’re better off if you pick a side. If you want to be single, be single. If you want to be married, be married. Most of the difficulties start when you try to do both at the same time.

Married and screwing around is a problem. Single and having kids is a problem. Single, screwing around with a married person and having kids with them is a recipe for getting shot at.

I think the best advice we can give celebrities is to enjoy what you have and be honest about it.

Personally (and isn’t that what it’s really all about?), I’d feel much better if Roger Clemens came out and said, “Performance enhancing drugs? You’re damn straight I took them. How else do think I’d be able to win seven Cy Young awards on only three hours of sleep a night?”

The only other thing, Rog … when you hold your press conference, leave the wife and kids at home.

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth

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