Get Incensed

Feel the burn . . .

There are many fine institutions of higher learning in this country that allow you to major in Hotel Management. The basic requirements of these programs include courses like Food & Wine Pairing, Revenue Management and the all-important How to Make Outrageous Claims with a Straight Face.

There is no other business that tries as hard to convince you that you’re getting some kind of great deal by throwing in chintzy perks as the hospitality industry.

Even carnival folk don’t try to tell you that the stuffed animals are made of cashmere.

Yet hotels continually trumpet the most mundane items as “extra features” and “luxurious options” for your “added convenience.”

When I travel, I like to try to maintain the discipline of doing some kind of workout. This means I always check to see if a hotel has a Fitness Center. It is rare to find a hotel these days that doesn’t claim to have a fitness center, but I’ve learned to keep my expectations extremely low as to exactly what that description encompasses.

Most hotels should be brought up on charges for what they try to pass off as a “fitness center.”

I can only surmise that the typical hotel management training devotes less than half of one class to Developing and Managing Your Fitness Center.

Here’s the basic instruction on how to make your own hotel fitness center:
-Find an unused closet, preferably in the basement or in a remote part of the hotel
-Install mirrors and a big industrial fan
-Prior to opening, spend a weekend visiting garage sales and purchase a stationary bike from 1968 that has no resistance settings and as many mismatched hand weights (not to exceed 12.5 pounds each) as you can find
-Have your son or daughter make a sign in fourth grade art class that says “Fitness Center”
-Congratulations, Trump Junior, hang up your sign and you’re ready to start featuring the Fitness Center in all your brochures and online advertising.

I don’t want to imply that all the equipment in hotel fitness centers is outdated, but the “gym” in the hotel I stayed at this weekend had stone weights labeled with Roman numerals.

The hotel was in downtown Baltimore and billed the surrounding sidewalks as an “all-weather, state-of-the-art running track.”

The biggest shock, though, came when I went to check out. At one point, the maid had walked into the room when I was doing sit-ups.

My final bill included an extra charge for a personal training session.

hotel management, fitness center, spa, Baltimore, running track, exercise equipment