A.M. ANNOYANCE - Hallmark Moments, Part 1
Sure, it rhymes … but is it really what you wanted to say?
Good news for all you freelance writers out there . . . Hallmark recently announced that they are expanding their greeting card line.
Not content to churn out trite sentiments and pithy rhymes for birthdays, deaths, weddings, bar mitzvahs, friendship, love, thinking of you, congratulations, good luck, sorry your dog died, and all the major secular and religious holidays, Hallmark did what most $4 billion dollar a year companies do: they went looking for new markets.
Now, a big company like Hallmark can bring a lot of resources to bear on any problem that it faces. So, they decided to send out 4,328 employees to hang around shopping malls in dark glasses, hats and long trench coats. These employees were tasked with gathering information about what people felt they were missing in a greeting card.
The result was fairly predictable: 2700 employees were arrested and 14 malls were closed down when shoppers called their local SWAT team.
Of course, I’m joking. Hallmark is a sophisticated company that can pay someone else to do their research for them. Or, as they say in the marketing industry, “poll some focus groups.”
As it turns out, a focus group is a lot like improv comedy. Members of the focus group are asked to give spontaneous responses to questions they’ve never heard before. And, like improv, the results are unpredictable and often hilarious . . .
Hallmark announced that the “majority of online and focus group respondents said they couldn’t find what they were looking for when needing an encouragement card.”
In other words, when people didn’t want to take the time to compose a heartfelt e-mail to a life-long friend recently diagnosed with leukemia, they were pissed that they couldn’t assuage their guilt by making a five minute stop in the mall and plunking down $3.95 (plus tax).
By way of full disclosure, I will confess that I am not normally a card person. I don’t feel like I need a card to let someone know how much I care about them. That’s what gift certificates to McDonalds are for.
Hallmark cards, cancer, freelance writing, McDonalds, birthdays, deaths, weddings, bar mitzvahs, friendship, love, thinking of you, congratulations, good luck, sorry your dog died,
June 19th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
[...] From an earlier post: Hallmark recently announced that they are expanding their greeting card line. Not content to churn out trite sentiments and pithy rhymes for birthdays, deaths, weddings, bar mitzvahs, friendship, love, thinking of you, congratulations, good luck, sorry your dog died, and all the major secular and religious holidays, Hallmark did what most $4 billion dollar a year companies do: they went looking for new markets. [...]
March 10th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Comedian Eddie Murphy gave the lowdown on Hallmark many years ago for Saturday Night Live….
He got the makeup department of the show to dress him and paint him as a white person….he then went from one contrived situation to another, pointing out the differences between the two groups. His “training” featured him sitting in a makeup room , and his commentary went…
“I had to read a whole stack of Hallmark greeting cards….”
Other training included learning to walk like a white man as well as talk….
“…those white boys walk with their butt cheeks in real tight…”
Comedians like Eddie were wonderfully politically INCORRECT, rather like the cartoons I used to watch when I was a kid.
Because the femneonazi’s had not started to open their mouths at that stage, life was much more civilized…….and a whole lot funnier…..
Those wide mouthed women have a lot to answer for…..