Get Incensed

M.D.G. on the loose…

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This Sunday, ridiculously talented singer/composer/producer/musician and incredibly good guy Matt Guarnere auditions for the band Saga.

Matt has been a supporter and friend of mine in my efforts in performing and producing comedy.

If you don’t mind, send some positive vibes his way this weekend.

Good luck, Matt!

Rock on, brother.

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Studio version of Saga’s “On the Loose”

At least she signaled the turn…

Let’s file this story under “J” for “Just Because It’s a Stereotype, Doesn’t Mean It’s Not True.”

From MSNBC News: “A woman in Port St. Lucie faces charges of chasing her fleeing husband around their yard in a minivan, in attempts to drive over him about 20 times.”

And she missed all 20 times.

Oh, yeah. Her baby was in the back seat of the mini-van throughout the ordeal.

Which just goes to prove … people in Florida are crazy.

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth

Hillary ducks for cover behind a child as her party comes under heavy sniper fire on 1996 trip to Bosnia…

As the campaign for President drags on, it is apparent that no one in the race has the political skills of Hillary Clinton.

In a savvy political move, Hillary has broadened her appeal and increased her ability to get elected in November. Her recent statements that she came under sniper fire when landing in Bosnia show why she is the candidate to beat in the upcoming contest for President.

Who else but Hillary could, in one stroke, increase her voting base among college students and also siphon away voters from John McCain?

The simple act of confusing the details on whether she was being shot at or hugging a child means Hillary has burnished her conservative credentials by inviting comparisons to the late Ronald Reagan and his bout with Alzheimer’s.

At the same time, Ms. Clinton will pull support from many conservatives who want to continue four more years of the type of blatant delusional analysis promulgated by the Bush administration.

Hillary also shored up her support with college students, a group that has been solidly in the Obama camp. Her ability to identify with America’s youth as they pad their resumes in search for their first big job is as an adept a political maneuver as you’ll ever see.

Whether you are describing your summer job at a McDonald’s register as “managing cash flow for one of the world’s leading multinational corporations” or whether you’re describing landing in a private chartered plane and having dinner prepared by a personal chef as “coming under sniper fire,” I think we can all agree it shows that Hillary is just one of us.

The fact that spokesman Howard Wolfson is able to complain that calling Senator Clinton on an outright lie amounts to “negative campaigning” is further proof that Ms. Clinton’s staff is ready to assume power on day one.

News site Bizlevity points out the only way Wolfson would be satisfied that the Obama forces were running a positive campaign would be if they ran a series of ongoing ‘Hillary for President’ ads.

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Disclaimer:
The above opinions do not necessarily reflect those of 451 Press management. The opinions expressed are solely the article’s author — although sometimes that’s not the case either and I’m just bullshitting you for the fun of it.

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth

Something to celebrate…

I had no idea World Meteorological Day was such a big deal. There are parades all over the place and people are getting dressed up like they’re going to church or something.

I’m not a practicing meteorologist but this is one Sunday I’m going to tune into the Weather Channel … just to kind of hedge my bets in case there really is something to this whole global warming thing.

In the meantime, it’s time for another secular Friday Six. Six websites, videos or papal encyclicals that made us laugh over the course of the week. It’s a basket full of fun with no alliteration and no hollow chocolate weathermen.

Happy Easter and World Meteorological Day, y’all.

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth

Andy Rooney’s eyebrows sponsored by Sunsetter Retractable Awnings…

I committed a terrible sin this past weekend.

No, I didn’t cheat on my girlfriend with a high-priced hooker. It was way worse than that.

It was a few minutes before the hour and for some insane reason I decided to watch the tail end of 60 Minutes.

Which, of course, meant I had tuned in just in time to hear Andy Rooney be confused about something that had happened after the invention of the light bulb.

For as long as I can remember, Andy Rooney has been befuddled by about 98.7 percent of what goes on in the world on a daily basis.

Maybe it’s my own fear of aging, but I have a negative visceral reaction when old people start talking about the “good old days.” In fact, I have standing instructions to my friends that if they ever hear me waxing nostalgic about the good old days, they’re supposed to taser me.

Actually, they’re also supposed to taser me if I ever use the phrase “waxing nostalgic.”

You know what? The good old days were disgusting.

Back in the good old pre-industrial days there was universal health care. You had a choice of bloodletting or an enema. Or you bit down on a leather strap while they sawed your finger off.

All of a sudden your lousy HMO with a $70 co-pay doesn’t look that bad, does it?

In the more recent good old days, if you wanted to carry 250 songs around you needed to have three friends. You and two of the friends would carry the turntable, receiver and speakers while the third friend got to haul the plastic milk carton full of albums, the headphones and the pot.

But perhaps the most revolting thing about our shared, not-so-distant past was the handkerchief.

I guess if you wanted to blow your nose, dab sweat off your brow or buff a speck of dirt off your roadster, it was kind of handy. But the problem with a multi-purpose reusable rag is the second, third or fiftieth use.

You might blow your nose with it, but that meant when you went to wipe off your car you’d be buffing it up with a nice, high-gloss, flu-snot shine. And you know how chicks dig mucous.

That was only slightly preferable to the reverse case where you used your handkerchief to clean bird crap off your car and then used it again later to wipe the spaghetti sauce off your lips at lunchtime.

There really is no good reason to walk around all day with a cotton petri dish in your pocket.

On those rare occasions when you found yourself in the middle of a war or a Three Stooges gunfight, you could use your handkerchief as a signal that you were giving up. Waving a white handkerchief was the international symbol for “I surrender … to your superior personal hygiene.”

In many cases, the handkerchief was a primitive source of gay-dar in a time when such things weren’t as socially acceptable as they are now in states other than Oklahoma.

Basically, if you carried a handkerchief in your pants pocket everyone knew you were heterosexual. If, like Liberace, you pulled it out of the sleeve of your sequined jacket, then everyone knew you were gay.

Except maybe my mom who would think you were just “wonderfully charismatic” and had a “delightful stage presence.”

So, I don’t miss the good old days. I don’t even miss last week — because three minutes of Andy Rooney is enough to last me for the next 10 years.

I Love New York

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

After spending many years in a world of power and glitz where favor-seekers and hangers-on catered to his every whim, one of the country’s most influential men was caught up in a common, every day act that threatened both his financial well-being and his career.

That’s right. Michael Jackson was forced to refinance Neverland Ranch.

That Spitzer dude had kind of a rough week, too.

But, what the heck — life goes on. Am I right, Eliot?

Or perhaps that question should be addressed to Ms. Spitzer…that is, if anyone could talk her into letting go of Eliot’s balls long enough to stop by and check out The Friday Six.

I feel confident the Friday Six would brighten up her week. Of course, just about anything would at this point.

But the Friday Six is really for the rest of us who don’t have all the problems associated with multi-thousand dollar hookers.

The Friday Six. It’s a seven-diamond collection of websites, videos and sexual peccadilloes that made us laugh this past week.

Nothing fancy and no alliteration … well, maybe we’ll let “pretty and petite” slide for just this week.

And, as my father once said, “Remember to think with your big head.”

Have a great weekend, everybody.

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth

Wants Governor to leave the door open…

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Get Incensed is proud to present the latest breaking news on the Eliot Spitzer story:

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Spitzer To Use Governor’s Office As Bargaining Chip
Feds Said to Hold Stronger Hand with PMITA Prison

As calls for his resignation continued, Governor Spitzer was reportedly locked in negotiations for a plea deal with Federal prosecutors.

Sources say Governor Client 9’s delay in resigning means he is trying to use the governor’s office as a bargaining chip and also to further solidify his image as not giving a crap about the people of New York.

In a special plea-bargain poker game that will be televised on ESPN, Spitzer is trying to bluff the Feds into playing a hand that will mean the Governor serves no jail time and keeps his license to practice law.

Federal prosecutors, the current reigning World Series of Plea Bargaining champions, are said to be ready to go all-in. Which, as one prosecutor notes, “Is pretty much the same strategy inmates will use if the Governor goes to prison.”

Spitzer, described by inmates as a “pretty, petite brunette,” is said to be weighing his options between prison and having his wife break his balls for the next 40 years.

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth

To be fair, he did promise to get things humming again….

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Get Incensed is proud to present the latest breaking news on the Eliot Spitzer story:

Two stories hot off the press:

Spitzer Alias ‘George Fox’ Is Real Person, Long-Time Friend and Supporter of Governor — Until Now

More news today that Governor Spitzer was ‘keeping it real’ by using the actual name of a close friend as an alias in connection with his call girl escapades.

The real George Fox issued the following statement:

“While I appreciate the Governor thinking enough of me to use my name when he was getting his rocks off, I would like to make it clear that I am in no way involved in this sordid affair other than I now get laughed at in the supermarket and have 13,000 reporters trampling my front yard.

I don’t think this should, in any way, tarnish the governor’s long political record. He’s always been a pompous, self-aggrandizing jerk and I hope he is remembered that way.

Seriously. He couldn’t have used ‘Hugh G. Rection’ or ‘Haywood Jablowme?!’

Jeezus! Even Elmer Fudd would’ve been better than this….”

Privately, the real Mr. Fox has told friends he plans to use the alias ‘E. Spitzer’ to make restaurant reservations and then bolt on the check for the next 15 years.
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In a separate but related story, Governor Spitzer is closing in on a record previously thought to be unassailable:

N.Y Governor Set To Break Irony, Double Entendre Marks for Campaign Ads, Speeches

Less than 36 hours after he was reported to be Client 9 on a Federal wiretap investigation of prostitution, Eliot Spitzer got good news when it was discovered he was within striking distance of the irony and double entendre record for a politician — formerly held by Larry Craig.

Remember when New York buzzed, hummed and churned? The Empire State was strong and powerful — surging and thrusting until, in a climax of molten desire, it shuddered and erupted all over New Jersey.

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Big or small? Hard or easy?

Spitzer for Governor: Bring some passion back to Albany.

Or you could leave it in a hotel in D.C.

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News items courtesy of Bizlevity,
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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth

Reader’s choice caption:
a) The Last Emperor
b) Spitzer describing his incredible shrinking … political career
c) The most Googled photo of the day
d) What a dick.

Crusading N.Y. State Governor Eliot Spitzer will need a new nickname after being linked to a high-class international prostitution ring in Washington, D.C.

The former attorney general swept into office last year promising to clean up state politics and dubbing himself Governor Steamroller.

He may want to consider changing his moniker to Governor Motorboat.

There are plenty of sexy details at The Smoking Gun website and over at The Huffington Post.

But when it’s all said and done, I think James Taylor (who looks a lot like Governor Spitzer) has the best take on what it was like to be the N.Y. State Governor:

“A churning urn of burning funk…”

Tied to greenhouse gases?…

There’s a “major winter storm” headed my way this weekend.

Hello! Hasn’t anyone heard of global warming?

Right about now, I’m supposed to be building a really solid base for future melanoma and stacking sandbags in the lobby of my Manhattan apartment to hold back rising sea levels.

I’m beginning to think this whole global warming thing was just some kind of scare tactic or something.

Did you know climate change could even impact the diversity of humor you’ve become accustomed to? Higher temperatures and lower rainfall means an increase in dry wit.

So, when you see an outbreak of Oscar Wilde anthologies, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Here at Get Incensed we’re doing our part to promote humor diversity.

Every Friday we humbly present The Friday Six — six websites, videos or tips for living green that made us laugh during the week.

And we’re always working to reduce our alliteration footprint.

Please. Don’t refer to me as an environmental hero. I’m just trying to do what I can to make the world a better place for your children’s children’s children’s children’s children.

Have an awesome weekend. Even if it is snowing.

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“Tell me the truth…I’m not the first one to open this, am I? …”

In Part One of Reinventing the Squeal, I expressed my inability to get my head around (zing!) the idea of taking a Mulligan on your virginity.

Lord knows, I wish I hadn’t cried and sucked my thumb after my first sexual experience.

But, just like golf, I like to think I got better with practice. Especially the part where you win a free game if you put the ball in the clown’s mouth.

Let’s pause for a moment here so we can all insert our own hole-in-one, overhand grip or titanium shaft jokes here.

Okay, then….

What’s even crazier about this whole concept is some of the thinking behind the idea you would even need to worry about re-virginizing yourself.

By way of background, the lead character in the MSNBC article that started all this is Victoria Watts who was married for seven years, had two kids and now, at age 23, wants to be a virgin again. Here’s why:

She wished she could step back in time and recapture her lost virginity. Thinking of how “I could have ruined one of greatest fulfillments of my life,” the first time having sex with a husband, she wanted to “have that opportunity again. I know my [future] husband deserves a whole person.”

If having sex before you’re married means you’re not a whole person, then we need to do a population recount because there are a whole lot of fractional people walking around.

Heck, that probably means that instead of being around 10 million, New York City’s population is closer to three.

But wait, it gets weirder. There’s a pregnancy center in Northeast Ohio that’s promoting this particular brand of crazy.

“Have you already unwrapped the priceless gift of virginity and given it away?” asks the Web site for the Pregnancy Resource Center of Northeast Ohio … “Do you now feel like ’second-hand goods’ and no longer worthy to be cherished? Do you ever wish you could re-wrap it and give it only to your future husband or wife? Guess what…? You can decide today to commit to abstinence, wrapping a brand-new gift of virginity to present to your husband or wife on your wedding night.”

While we’re at it, can we also toss a sock of cow manure at anyone who would have the audacity to suggest that because you’re no longer a virgin you’re somehow “second-hand goods” and “no longer worthy to be cherished.”

The Pregnancy Resource Center makes it sound like this is something that just occurred to women out of the clear blue sky … not like the Church would put this idea into your head or anything.

There have been a bunch of people who’ve spent time owning the Mona Lisa, but last time I checked the painting’s still considered a pretty good collector’s item.

The attempt to denigrate the self-worth of anyone who’s experienced the joy of sexual intercourse is a particularly vile example of the kind of thing that sends thinking people running in the opposite direction anytime religious zealots roll into town.

Let’s check in with my comedian buddy Al Del Bene for a particularly appropriate take on this topic (second half of the video):
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As far as the idea that you can give your second, fifteenth or 2400th partner the “brand-new gift of virginity,” I think we should go with the accepted Christmas etiquette on this…

Just because you used new wrapping paper for the toaster doesn’t mean it’s not a re-gift.

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth

Sorry. You can’t take it back.

If you’re like most people, there are probably a couple of instances in your life you wish you could do over.

I get that.

But, if you’re like most people, you also realize you can’t go back and re-do sophomore year of college to raise your GPA, you can’t travel back in time to take the job you were offered in another city and you can’t magically become 4-years old again and put all the flour back in the bag before your mom comes downstairs.

There’s probably one or two nights in your life where you’d wish you hadn’t had those seven extra shots of Jack or photocopied your ass on the office printer while the security camera was on.

But, let’s face it: you can’t unhit the tree with your father’s car any more than you can’t undo throwing up on Dean Wormer.

So, I’m not really sure how there came to be a “movement” toward “revirginization.”

And yet, from the same people who brought you the Immaculate Conception, coming back from the dead and multiple passings of the collection plate comes the latest invention: sexual White-Out.

Apparently, the only reason you’re not a virgin is because you say you’re not. This article from MSNBC offers some insight into the “thinking” behind the idea that you can somehow be a multiple virgin:

Victoria Watts, a 23-year-old single mother of two small children who lives in Canton, Ohio, lost her virginity at 16 with her high school boyfriend.

She was the granddaughter of a Pentecostalist pastor and the daughter of an assistant pastor, and she believed sex outside marriage was wrong…

Though the relationship lasted for seven years and produced two beautiful children, a part of Watts always felt guilty. She wished she could step back in time and recapture her lost virginity…

So Watts engaged in a lot of prayer and thought, and now declares herself a virgin once again.

Wow. Sex and two kids later and, poof!, you declare yourself a virgin and that takes care of that. I haven’t seen anything that easy since Oxy-Clean got ground in dirt and coffee stains out of a T-shirt.

Let’s see if we can reach some kind of reasonable conclusion here.

You can take a Mulligan in golf, you can edit a Word document, in some states you can even take back a car within 30 days if it’s giving you problems. Unfortunately, you can’t take back your virginity.

Feel free to “declare” whatever you want. You can declare you’re a fire-breathing dragon that’s exempt from paying income tax but that’s not going to be a big help as you meander around this silly little place people like to call “the real world.”

After they throw you in jail for tax evasion, you’ll still have the problem of having to declare your virginity all over again when you get out.

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Awarded to us by The Cult of Qelqoth