After sitting through “about a million” Dunkin’ Donut commercials this past week, it finally dawned on me: Rachel Ray is really perky.
Perky people amaze me.
They don’t amaze me like a magic act in Vegas. When I see a magician do a card trick, I feel like it’s something I would be capable of doing if I only knew how.
Perky people are more like professional soccer players or really excellent dancers. I can’t even grasp how they do what they do. Even if you explained to me how to bend a corner kick or how to salsa, I don’t think I could pull it off.
The same thing goes with being perky. I can’t begin to conceive of going through life with that level of perpetual excitement.
I can be a good party guest when I need to be, but I believe I’m genetically incapable of maintaining the amped-up level of likability and cheerfulness of such “masters of perk” as Rachel Ray and Katie Couric.
The only reasonable explanation for all this is that soccer players, great dancers and perky people are all members of an alien race sent to populate and overtake our planet.
If the aliens could successfully combine all three traits to generate a perky soccer player with hip-hop dance moves, surely that … that … thing would rule the world.
I think Mia Hamm was some kind of breakthrough but she wasn’t so much perky as she was really earnest in a Jehovah’s Witness kind of way. Plus, I heard she didn’t even know how to do the Electric Slide.
Paula Abdul, when she’s on her meds, could be a candidate for global ruler if she could learn soccer, but I believe the aliens suffered a setback with Paula when they discovered combining the DNA for “perky” and “dancer” also resulted in the tendency to clap like a trained seal.
The fact “perky” is almost exclusively correlated to the X-chromosome also suggests the next ruler of the world will be female.
Or gay.
I’m not sure you’d call what Richard Simmons does in his videos dancing and I’m pretty sure if you kicked a soccer ball in his direction he’d just scream and run away … but you have to admit, the guy is perkier than a border collie on crystal meth.
Since there are no openly gay candidates for President, I think we can conclude the aliens’ best bet for world domination would be to try to genetically engineer Hillary after the next election.
Hmmm. The thought of a perky, dancing Hillary is something you’d only imagine on a bad acid trip. It might be easier if the aliens could somehow manage to turn Mike Huckabee gay.
Since that probably isn’t happening anytime soon either, we can all relax and don’t need to worry … unless someone spots one of the bad Transformers.
But I heard Mitt Romney’s not doing all that well in Iowa, either ….
I will be traveling in the mountains from December 23 through the 27th. I’m not sure if there’s even indoor plumbing, let alone Internet access.
Please stop by after the holidays for the same fun-filled postings you’ve grown accustomed to.
If I can manage to trade a few beaver pelts for Internet access, I’ll post before Thursday night, but otherwise I’ll probably be talking to you late Thursday night or Friday.
Have a great holiday and I’ll see you in a few days.
Best regards,
Mark Jabo
In the meantime, visit Humor-Blogs for your daily comedy needs.
You celebrate Christmas your way, I’ll celebrate it my way …
We’re getting down to crunch time, folks. This is the last Friday Six before The Holidays as they call Christmas at The Ohio State University.
Nearly every retail establishment you can think of is offering a gift card. The real genius of gift carding is that you can be in and out of seventeen stores in less time than it takes to get to your car in the mall parking lot.
And, to top it off, you don’t have to do any of the work. Your uncle gets to spend $18 in gas to drive to Home Depot to see what he can buy with that 20 bucks you forked over for the card that had the reindeer wearing safety goggles on it.
Consider it payback for the time he fondled you in grade school.
Most stores just let you pick out a gift card, or as I like to refer to them, a minimal thought debit card and pay at the register.
Here’s a holiday tip: make it a point to grab a handful of cards and then drop a couple blanks in the kettle of those cloying Salvation Army volunteers who ring that obnoxious bell for 25 minutes straight while you’re waiting for a bus.
Or leave one marked $200 for your mailman who somehow feels he deserves a tip for shredding every magazine you subscribe to and yelling from down the block that he’s got your package from Adult DVD World but you need to sign for it.
About the only thing that can go wrong with gift carding is if you somehow end up giving your girlfriend’s Victoria’s Secret Thong-of-the-Month Club membership to your grandmother.
Sure, you may take a little ribbing from other family members … but guess which grandson just got written back into the will?
Explaining the special promotion card for a case of Depends and the Craftmatic adjustable bed to your girlfriend may be a little more difficult.
In the true spirit of Christmas, here’s the Friday Six.
Six links a-milkin’, no alliteration and more joy than a box of mistletoe and Jamie Lynn Spears.
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Christmas is a time to help the less fortunate. That probably doesn’t include Huey Lewis, but you can find out why he needs your help over at Mattress Police.
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Still not in the holiday spirit? Then you’ll want to check out Food Court Lunch’s latest entry in the “Punchable Faces” series.
Your future and the future of your children is at stake.
Ask yourself: could these guys rock out this version of The Final Countdown if Huey Lewis had not paved the way and made sure the heart of rock ‘n’ roll was still beating when it came time for them to take cello lessons?
I think not.
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Get over to Diesel’s Mattress Police and vote your conscience.
Vote for Huey.
Please, don’t let all the cheap beer, jello shots and grain alcohol you’ve consumed at frat parties and dive bars to have been drunk in vain.
Join this blog and others around the world in preserving the music of Huey Lewis.
Do it for yourself. Do it for your country.
And do it ’cause I’ve got a whole bunch of skinny ties and white Reeboks I can still use.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t hate animals. I just don’t like them as much human beings.
And that’s where I get into trouble with all the hard-core animal rights activists.
PETA and other wing-nuts want to extend human rights to animals. This is not a good idea. In most states, you’re considered to be common law married if you live with someone for seven years.
Do we really want a situation where, if you lived with a dog for seven years, your pooch would be entitled to half your stuff?
Come to think of it, with a good lawyer, your dog might be able to argue you should be considered hitched after just one year, since one human year equals seven dog years.
It’s bad enough having to buy your ex-wife a car so she can drive around with other guys, how are you going to feel when you’re sending $1500 a month to your ex-Golden Retriever, Ginger, so that somebody else can pet her and blow pot smoke in her face?
And then there’s that awkward chance meeting on the street…
Ginger: Woof! You: Hi. How are you doing? You look good. Ginger: Woof! You: It’s great you found a new owner, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy… Ginger: Woof! Woof! You: Yeah, I’ve moved on. I’ve got this new chocolate Lab. She’s really friendly and she can catch a Frisbee… Ginger: Grrrrr. You: Oh, sorry…I forgot how sensitive you are about that whole mouth-eye coordination thing…. Ginger: Grrrrrr…grrrr… You: Relax. She hasn’t even licked my face yet. We just met a couple of weeks ago. Hey, great seeing you again. Take care. (sotto voce) …Bitch.
I have a friend who’s a PETA member and is anti-fur but the dude owns a dog. What’s the message here? Killing is bad, but slavery is OK?
Up until recently, I never lived with a cat or a dog. I just didn’t think I could take the emotional trauma of having a companion of more than 10 years die on me. Which is why I always thought my first pet would be a parrot.
Parrots have an average lifespan of over 40 years. Plus there’s always the chance they’ll say something nice about you at your funeral.
Because who knows what kind of “accident” might happen if I continue to to wear fur and stand in the way of giving animals the right to vote.
Sure, you could just stop by, enjoy all the blogtestants in Project Blog who are writing their little hearts out and go on your merry way this holiday season.
While you bask in the warmth of your palatial mansion with crystal chandeliers,French doors and a string quartet playing in your living room, we’ll still be here — blogging — in tattered, fingerless gloves, trying to stay warm and begging for some gruel from Google.
We’ll type out quality content as a tear trickles down our collective cheeks and freezes in the icy cold, simultaneously, through the magic of split-screen editing.
But you know what would be really great? If you actually did some of your holiday shopping with some of our sponsors. It would make for a great story and a memorable holiday gift.
Why shop with some faceless corporation in the mall when you can get a great gift from people who have donated prizes to support something or somebody you enjoy?
So, please … won’t you vote smart (”Mark” would be my personal choice).
And while you’re at it, shop smart. Click on one of the links below and show a child blogger you care.
It’s either that or Sally Struthers will be forced to have another piece of pound cake.
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IT’S TIME FOR PROJECT BLOG! In case you’ve not been staying up to date with your Reality on Bravo news, Project Blog is the blogger’s answer to Project Runway. We’ve got the best of the best in bloggers ready to go head to head in weekly competitions for the grand prize:
An autographed picture of Jackie Warner, courtesy of Sky Sport and Spa (Jackie Warner’s gym from Work Out)
A pair of shoes from the newest line from Jonathan Kayne (one of my favorite Project Runway Alums)
And as a reader here are Reality on Bravo, YOU CAN WIN TOO! Every week, Reality on Bravo is teaming up with some awesome sponsors to offer prizes for lucky readers. Anyone who leaves a comment on Monday’s post or on the voting post (which will go live on Thursday) will be automatically entered to win the super-awesome prize - a astrological reading from Beth at Astrology Explored!
As for the competition, you have a say in that too! Every week after Project Runway, Allison over at Reality on Bravo will announce the weekly challenge and our 10 however many competitors are left will scurry away to write some amazing posts. Read them, and on Friday through Tuesday, vote for your favorites. Your votes, along with the opinions of our amazing judges, Bethany (the winner of the RoB “Create Your Own Reality Show” contest) and April (an extraordinary professional writer and blogger), determine who stays and who “goes home”
THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE:
On this week’s episode of Project Runway, contestants created outfits for women who had achieved an amazing goal - losing a TON of weight. Some of them had lost over 100 pounds! This week, your challenge is fairly easy - write about a goal you have for 2008. The New Year is arriving quickly! Your goal can be about blogging (”I want to post 1000 entries in 2008!”), about your blog topic (”I want to meet and interview Heidi Klum in 2008!), or just about your personal life (”I want to run a triathlon in 2008!”). It can be as crazy or as realistic as you want…just show us your passion. Make us cheer for you. Give us the motivation to set our own goals for the year!
Check Allison’s weekly post for a complete list of posts from our blogtestants, and don’t forget to vote on your favorite! Oh, and if anyone else out there wants to play along, send Allison the link to your post and she’ll include it on the list - you won’t be eligible for the grand prize, but you will get a little link love.
Good luck, bloggers!
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Here’s the rundown of the blogtestants in Week 5 of Project Blog:
Because when something’s funny and you have an excuse to post a picture of Jessica Alba, you should always take it. Thanks, What Would Tyler Durden Do?
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My New Year’s Resolution is to spend an entire day just reading Fark headlines and stories. This classic from earlier this week: “Scientist who claimed blacks are less intelligent than whites seems to have some black genes of his own. Ebony, meet irony.”
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If you don’t read the NYPost, you’re not a real New Yorker. Plus, you miss awesome headlines like the recent one about Ike Turner.
Like a lot of people with this same problem, I’ve battled it off and on since college. It got worse after I was out of school and had more disposable income to spend on my habit.
But I’ve made up my mind. This is the year I get the monkey off my back.
Okay. So, here goes ….
My name is Mark Jabo and I’m addicted to self-help material.
You name it — books, CDs, DVDs, seminars — I’ve tried them all.
Heck, I’ve even got a bunch of those posters with the inspirational photos and the pithy sayings at the bottom.
Like a lot of kids, I started out by experimenting with Dale Carnegie in my freshman year in college. I wanted to “win friends and influence people” and “stop worrying and start living.”
Even though I’d refer to the books constantly (and sometimes go through as many as five yellow highlighters a month), I convinced myself I didn’t really have a problem.
Sure, I tried Carnegie … but I didn’t assimilate.
I started hanging around with the other “Type As” as we were known back then. All the other party students thought we were “weird.” We felt like no one understood us. Just because we cared about things like jobs, money and interview skills — people looked at us like we were freaks or something.
We used Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill to help us mellow out and to cope with being “different”
Pretty soon, though, I was looking for a stronger source of inspiration.
I know it sounds crazy, but self-improvement stuff was easy to get in those days, there wasn’t the same stigma attached to it as there is now.
Back then, we thought nothing of popping a tape in the dashboard stereo, jumping in a seven-year-old Subaru and just driving around absolutely motivated out of our freakin’ minds.
Times have changed. Nowadays, you can get your license suspended just for having an open Les Brown CD in your car.
Despite all the mental performance-enhancing stuff I used in college, I still managed to graduate in four years with less than a 3.50 GPA.
Even after I got my first job, I kept using.
If you were young and successful in New York City in the 90’s, it’s just what you did. I could have retired by now if I hadn’t spent so much on Tony Robbins tickets.
See, that’s the thing. They call it self-help. But, man .. you always make the check out to somebody else.
Like I said, though, this year it’s going to be different. I’ve learned a few things and I think I’m really ready to quit.
This year, I’m not going to fail to plan by planning to fail. I’m going to do what I should have been doing all along: doing less reading about how to succeed and doing more working at writing.
Because I’ve learned that the best way to reach my objective is, like they say at Nike, to “Just Do It.”
And if you can’t just do it, then sub-contract it out to a bunch of kids in Malaysia.
So, my goal for the coming year is to kick my addiction to self-help books and write and write … and write some more.
And, maybe find a 10-year-old kid in Kuala Lumpur with good English skills and a sense of humor.
They say most people miss success because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work. If that’s the case, I think I saw success in Home Depot last week.
No matter what disguise success is wearing, I know I can achieve my goals to write more and not buy any books by professional speakers, management consultants or football coaches in 2008.
I’m positive I can do it because this guy on the street tested my energy levels and gave me this great new book by L. Ron Hubbard ….
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Hey, kids … this post is part of Project Blog.
Project Blog is an on-going competition at Reality on Bravo where top-notch bloggers from around the world are competing to be named the ultimate “top blogger”. We’ve got some great prizes lined up, and there’s good news - you can win too! Every Monday, I’ll announce the weekly sponsor and the prize. Make sure that you play every week - you can win some amazing things, thanks to our awesome sponsors!
Week Four’s Sponsor: Astrology Explored (www.astrologyexplored.com)
Week One’s Prize: A free reading from 451’s resident astrologer, Beth
If you’re a dedicated Real Housewives of Orange County fan, you should remember last season when Vicki hired an astrology to do full readings for all of the ladies. It was an epiphany for her - she realized that she wasn’t insane; it was written in the stars for her to have a certain personality.
Whether you’re a believer or not, astrology can be really, really interesting. Here at 451 Press, we have a whole blog dedicated to that art. Beth, from Astrology Watch, is one of the best bloggers we have, and although time restraints have kept her from participating in Project Blog, she has graciously donated a prize for you guys to win - a free mini-reading.
I’m pretty excited about this prize, because it is a bit different from what we have been doing. Instead of winning an item, you’re winning a deeper look at yourself.
Want a chance to win this week’s prize? OF COURSE YOU DO. You can enter up to THREEtimes this week.
For a second chance, blog about this contest on your own site and email the link to me at allison.boyer-at-yahoo-dot-com.
Want a third chance? Vote for your favorite in our Project Blog competition, and leave a comment showing support! The winner will be drawn at random from all qualifying entries. You can vote once per day for your favorite (and please do), and you can comment once on this post link will go live on Thursday).
Please note that comments on other post on my site are not considered as entries.
The winner will be drawn at random from all qualifying entries, so get your comments and posts in today! (Deadline for commenting and posting is Monday, December 17 at noon EST)
If the latest pictures coming out of the Midwest are any indication, I think we could see a move toward a more liberal electorate in the next election.
I’ve spent a good part of my life on the godless island of Manhattan, and I know New Yorkers tend to be a little more tolerant of alternate lifestyles than other parts of the country.
But I have to admit I was absolutely shocked to see that there’s some sort of grizzly bukkake fest going on in the Midwest.
Don’t even try to get a flight out there. I already called and they’ve all been delayed or canceled by some kind of conservative Republican backlash.
I think the kinky scene with Abe Lincoln was the last straw.
Led Zeppelin, or what’s left of the group, is touring again.
Oh, and I hear this feller Edison has invented some new-fangled gadget called the “electric candle.”
Can you remember a time when more acts with one foot in the grave were touring?
In the last couple of years The Who, Tom Petty, the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Jerry Lee Lewis, Rod Stewart, Chuck Berry and Billy Joel all hit the road with the left blinker on the tour bus flashing for miles at a time.
Every other week it seems there’s an article on MSN about a rock band that is “still rocking” forty or fifty years after they first hit the music scene.
Hey, I’m still riding a bike nearly thirty years after I first took off training wheels but no one’s writing a breathless online review of my cycling skills.
Sure, Jerry Lee Lewis is still rocking at age 71, but it’s probably just because he’s got Parkinson’s.
- Coming soon to a wax museum near you
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Why is a rock band that’s “still rocking” news? Did your really think Neil Young was going to join corporate America and rise through the ranks to become the V.P. of Marketing?
It’s not like being in a rock band develops a lot of transferable job skills. Okay, maybe politics or porn … but other than that, it’s hard to imagine Keith Richards doing real well on a job interview with the personnel lady in the Ann Taylor suit …
Interviewer: Where do see yourself in five years?
Keith Richards: I dunno … coked up in a hotel room and shaggin’ your daughter?
Still, there is a huge demand for reviews of “classic rock” tours, so here are some tips on how you can break into the lucrative world of freelance rock journalism (and by “lucrative” I mean having your own blog).
First off, you need to recall an instance where you or someone you know first heard a song by the artist in question. In the case of Chuck Berry, who turned 79-years-old this year, maybe it was when your ancestors first tamed fire.
The best anecdotes will involve you losing your virginity/being drunk/getting high for the first time while listening to one of the band’s famous hits. If you lost your virginity for the first time more than once, that is an important detail to include in the story as it could lead to sainthood at some later date.
Or perhaps there was a period in your life that mirrored one of the scenes described in one of classic rock’s memorable songs. You know, one of those everyday vignettes we can all identify with like running into an old girlfriend in a topless bar, being seduced by a sexy older woman or marrying Christie Brinkley.*
Next, you’ll want to discuss how the band’s lyrics are still relevant to what’s going on today. This shouldn’t be hard since rock songs are usually about sex, drugs and rock and roll and all of those things are still around.
Want a tough assignment? Try being a classical music critic and explaining why Mozart’s theme for harpsichord and lute is still a just as powerful today as it was in the 1700s.
Price comparisons are always a reader favorite. You may want to mention how gas prices have gone up about two and a half dollars over the past 40 years but most concert tickets have increased by something like 20 bazillion percent.
Then explain to your readers why there is no national outcry to regulate ticket prices and pass special legislation to tax “excess” Ticketmaster profits.
Finally, you’ll want to end the article by quoting a pithy lyric that not only shows you can remember a song-line from your youth but also puts to rest the notion that heavy drug and alcohol use cause any lasting damage.
After all, you’re still rolling down the highway and won’t get fooled again.
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* Tangled Up in Blue, Maggie May and Uptown Girl for those of you playing along at home.
Sometimes you have to try to laugh at stuff just to keep from punching a wall ….
Varsha Mahender Sabhnani and her husband are charged with a bunch of crimes that can be pretty much summed up as enslaving and abusing their two Indonesian housekeepers.
Of course, Varsha and her husband are entitled to a presumption of innocence and blah … blah … blah ….
All I’m saying is, if you’re going to be charged with this kind of crime, it’s probably better if you don’t look like Cruella DeVille.
This story isn’t nearly as cute without the dalmatian puppies.
And, by the way … keep away from Huey Lewis, bitch.
“I believe in my sense of humor, and I endeavor to live by it …. Some believe that such a confession of my faith will sink my candidacy. If they’re right, so be it.” -Mark Jabo in a high-stakes speech designed to halt his slide into asterisk status in the Project Blog polls
In case you’ve not been staying up to date with your Reality on Bravo news, Project Blog is the blogger’s answer to Project Runway. We’ve got the best of the best in bloggers ready to go head to head in weekly competitions for the grand prize:
An autographed picture of Jackie Warner, courtesy of Sky Sport and Spa (Jackie Warner’s gym from Work Out)
A pair of shoes from the newest line from Jonathan Kayne (one of my favorite Project Runway Alums)
And as a reader here are Reality on Bravo, YOU CAN WIN TOO! Every week, Reality on Bravo is teaming up with some awesome sponsors to offer prizes for lucky readers. This week is the first in a two-part series, so anyone who leaves a comment on this post or on the voting post will be automatically entered to win the super-awesome prize next week.
As for the competition, you have a say in that too! Every week after Project Runway, I’ll announce the weekly challenge and our competitors will scurry away to write some amazing posts. Read them, and on Friday, vote for your favorites. Your votes, along with the opinions of our amazing judges, Bethany (the winner of the RoB “Create Your Own Reality Show” contest) and April (an extraordinary professional writer and blogger), determine who stays and who “goes home”
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The blogtestant entries are beginning to roll in, so that means it is time to vote for your favorite! The reader poll counts for 5 points in the overall score. First place gets 3 points, second place 2, and third place 1. Each judge also gets 5 points to distribute as they want, and the person with the overall highest score WINS! So, your votes could determine the winner this week and the blogger who gets immunity in next week’s competition.
In this week’s challenge, blogtestants were asked to give us an update on last week’s post and show us their commenting skills. If you played along, don’t forget to send me your link!
Blogtestants are listed above by time of post and below by their previous week’s points. They have until Friday at 8 AM to post! If you came here from one of their sites, I encourage you to check out the other entries before voting. You can vote once every 24 hours, and the polls officially close Tuesday at noon! Happy voting!
AND DON’T FORGET: After you vote, leave a comment here telling everyone who you’re voting for and why (it can be anonymous). Use a valid email address, because leaving a comment will put you in the running to win bath salts from Solay prize and Reality on Bravo!
Countdown to the influx of plumbing or gay porn Google searches that bring up this blog because of the title begins in three … two … one ….
Having “influx” in the first line prolly won’t hurt, either.
Unless … oh, never mind.
Excuse me, I’ll be over here adding “SEO Genius” to my business card.
Before anyone gets their L-joint (or their G, B or T-joint) all bent out of shape, let me just say that I welcome all people to this website, regardless of their sexual orientation.
And that includes radical religious heterosexuals.
Welcome. We won’t judge you on your “alternative lifestyle” of humorless paranoia. You’re encouraged to join in the fun.
Just to get you new guys up to speed, here’s the (212) 555-1212 on our regular Friday feature:
Every Friday we bring you an orgy of multiple websites, videos or sex toys from our travels that made us laugh that week. I’m talking about hot, wild, sweaty, toe-curling, sheet-clutching, headboard-rattling, laughter. Laughter that surges and throbs deep inside you until you feel like you’re going to explode in a sensual, liquid pool of comedic pleasure…
Give me a minute to clean up ….
The only thing we won’t tolerate in this post is the alliteration of a “Friday Five.”
‘Cause, let’s face it, that’s just sick.
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Improv Everywhere takes on Abercrombie and Fitch in this undercover video prank. There’s a whole page of time wasting goodness at IE’s YouTube site.
Project Blog is an on-going competition at Reality on Bravo where top-notch bloggers from around the world are competing to be named the ultimate “top blogger”. We’ve got some great prizes lined up, and there’s good news - you can win too! Every Monday, I’ll announce the weekly sponsor and the prize. Make sure that you play every week - you can win some amazing things, thanks to our awesome sponsors!
Week Four’s Sponsor: Solay Wellness, Inc. (www.natural-salt-lamps.com)
Week One’s Prize: Himalayan Bath Salt Crystals
Ah…who doesn’t like a nice, relaxing bath? (And come, all my male readers, admit it - whenever you’re lady’s out of town for anything, you like to relax with a bubble bath too!!! Ok, even if you don’t, I bet your wife/girlfriend/mother will LOVE this prize!)
Thanks to some awesome sponsorship by Solay Wellness, Inc., we can all de-stress a bit with some Himalayan Bath Salts. Solay’s Himalayan Bath Salt Crystals contain 84 essential minerals (more then any other salt) such as magnesium, potassium, bromide, and calcium. These minerals are all readily absorbed into the skin, giving you that calming, age-defying effect. Really guys, I’ve researched and used Himalayan Salt in the past - it’s toally good for your health.
Solay’s products are all naturally harvested from mineral-rich ocean waters that dried and crystallized 250 million years ago. This makes an especially great Christmas gift for that lady who has everything. Just add a few ounces to your bath, put on some relaxing music, pour some wine, and tune out the world. Ahhhhh…..
Have I convinced you to check out the site yet? You can buy bath salt products here (that’s the prize for the week - but believe me, you’ll want more than one), or you can peruse the other salt products they have for sale. I’m especially fond of the salt lamps, and just may have to put in an order myself. Using one of these salt lamps is like having a natural air purifier in your home.
(Note - the weekly winner for Project Blog will be receiving a set of Himalayan Salt Tealight Candle Holders - but if you want to snag them, you either have to suck up to the winner or head over to Solay’s site!)
Want a chance to win this week’s prize? OF COURSE YOU DO. You can enter up to FOUR times this week, since Week Four is part of the two-week uber challenge!
For one chance, leave a comment on this post on Reality on Bravowith the product from Solay’s site that you most want for Christmas (simply head to their website and browse around until you see something that catches your eye.)
For a second chance, blog about this contest on your own site and email the link to me at allison.boyer-at-yahoo-dot-com.
Want a third and fourth chance? Vote for your favorite in our Project Blog competition, and leave a comment showing support! The winner will be drawn at random from all qualifying entries. You can vote once per day for your favorite (and please do), and you can comment ONCE PER WEEK (so, twice) to be considered as entered into this drawing - once on this post (comments close on Wednesday night) and once on Thursday’s post (this link will go live on Thursday morning).
“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “to talk of many things.”
Personally, I’ve always had a hard time figuring out what Wilford Brimley was talking about, but his dance mix came up the other day on my iPod so I figured that must be some kind of sign that I should reminisce about old posts.
Turn the beetis around…
Okay, it really wasn’t Wilford Brimley who gave me the idea, it was Allison over at Reality on Bravo.
I don’t know about you, but when I have to choose between taking suggestions from a hip, sexy blogger or an old guy who looks like he should be on a sunning himself on a rock at Sea World, I’m going with the one who doesn’t eat fish from a bucket.
That would be Allison.
And that, my friends, is good for all of us … otherwise there’s a good chance this would turn into a post about Quaker Oats.
All I’m saying is this is the right thing to do … and the tasty way to do it.
What I touched on last week and what is, hopefully, apparent by this point in today’s rambling is that Get Incensed is a humor blog.
The great thing about being a humor blog is there are pretty much no restrictions on what topics can be covered. And the best part about that is it gives me an excuse to troll around the Internet for whatever shiny website happens to catch my eye.
It’s a big wide, wonderful world wide web out there — so every day is kind of like Christmas. Sure, maybe it’s like Christmas for people with fetishes, but most of us still have a couple secrets that aren’t listed on our MySpace page.
To me the day’s discoveries can be divided into three scattergories: timesavers, trendy topics and tequila shots.
Timesaver sites are sites I visit in order to free up at least some of my day to focus on masquerading as a responsible adult. Spending at least part of your day doing what someone is paying you to do is something I highly recommend if you care about the little things in life — like food, clothing and shelter.
Of course, I could watch The View and blow off the morning sales meeting but if you’re like me and you’re on the executive fast track (meaning someone else makes the donut run), time management is an important skill. Watching the View lets me catch up on what Whoopi said while still pretending to pay attention to the latest organizational graph.
You don’t think tremendously successful people like Bill Gates, Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian have time to watch television all week, do you? They have other people watch it for them.
I travel in the same elite circles. I once had an apartment with three other guys and we sublet from a dude who paid rent to Trump. I use Internet Explorer to track my five figure bank account (if you include the two numbers to the right of the decimal) and I have to assume at least some of the royalties on the DVD made it back to Ms. Kardashian. Cynthia over at TV of the Absurd recaps everything I need to know about the really cool stuff on television.
It’s just all part of living large, baby.
Speaking of living large, I’m going to try to visit Denver again this Christmas. I was one of the lucky 25,000 or so people who got caught in last year’s snowstorm and got a free three-day stay on a plastic seat at the airport for just the cost of airfare.
It’s tough to pass up that kind of deal and now that I’ve spent some time over at Kara’s Colorado Review, I know some of the best spots in Denver International to sleep on my carry-on luggage.
As a humor blogger and part-time stand-up comic, it’s important to keep up on the latest trends. I have to know about such diverse areas as sports, gossip and gossip on sports. If only there was a site that addressed all three…
Wait, … what?
Jodie Lynn has a blog called Gossip on Sports?! Sports, gossip and the opinions of a smart, sassy woman. There hasn’t been a trifecta like that since the Milky Way bar … and you know how good chocolate, caramel and creamy nougat are.
If you have some extra time, you’ll want to click on Jodie’s bio and see how many words you can make out of the letters in all her degrees in under five minutes. The current record is something like 3,425.
I read someplace that it’s no longer cool for guys to come off as an Alpha Male. I think it was either the New York Times or Metrosexual Weakly that had an article about how important it is to be able to speak to your girlfriend about her interests. Style Fix helps people like me (read: fashion-challenged) keep up on the latest fashions. Who knew tube tops and cut-offs weren’t this year’s hot gift idea?
Want to really impress her? Lay a little bit of inside info from Brad Pitt Watch on her. It’s better than mistletoe … and way less creepy.
I call websites in the last scattergory “tequila shots” because they make you feel good, but you can’t always remember how you got there.
“What could be more fun than crazy babies?” I asked myself as I waited for my browser to load up Kate’s blog.
Instead of lunatic toddlers, what I found instead was a gem of a website ostensibly about “adventures in post-partum recovery.”
Despite what I said before about fetishes, it’s not that kind of website. There are no naked pictures of hot, recently pregnant moms.
Trust me, I checked.
What you will find is intelligent and caring writing laced with wisdom.
And, at least for me in this one post, a relationship goal to aspire to:
“… displays of desire are always being played out in front of our eyes. But, those are played out by the young, the single and the physically flawless. What we don’t see are relationships turning in, one person toward another. We don’t see desire developing into devotion. We don’t see intimacy growing into trust, mutual support and constant communication. We don’t see attraction turning to adoration.”
Because, you see, Get Incensed is a humor blog but I also hope it’s a human blog.
Which means discovering new friends and expanding horizons is what’s the most fun of all.
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The blogtestant entries are beginning to roll in, so that means it is time to vote for your favorite! The reader poll counts for 5 points in the overall score. First place gets 3 points, second place 2, and third place 1. Each judge also gets 5 points to distribute as they want, and the person with the overall highest score WINS! So, your votes could determine the winner this week and the blogger who gets immunity in next week’s competition.
In this week’s challenge, blogtestants were asked to give us an update on last week’s post and show us their commenting skills. If you played along, don’t forget to send me your link!
Blogtestants are listed above by time of post and below by their previous week’s points. They have until Friday at 8 AM to post! If you came here from one of their sites, I encourage you to check out the other entries before voting. You can vote once every 24 hours, and the polls officially close Tuesday at noon! Happy voting!
AND DON’T FORGET: After you vote, leave a comment here telling everyone who you’re voting for and why (it can be anonymous). Use a valid email address, because leaving a comment will put you in the running to win bath salts from Solay prize and Reality on Bravo!
Get Incensed is your twice daily dose (100% of the recommended daily intake) of rantings from people who believe that, if you get up in the morning and can't find something to be outraged about, you should go back to sleep.
Or cut back on your Prozac.
