Get Incensed

Anyone can vote…
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In case you’ve not been staying up to date with your Reality on Bravo news, Project Blog is the blogger’s answer to Project Runway. We’ve got the best of the best in bloggers ready to go head to head in weekly competitions for the grand prize:

• An autographed picture of Jackie Warner, courtesy of Sky Sport and Spa (Jackie Warner’s gym from Work Out)
• A pair of shoes from the newest line from Jonathan Kayne (one of my favorite Project Runway Alums)
• A Soffe college hoodie, courtesy ofBCS Frenzy
• Gold-plated earrings from Aurora at Between the Sheets
• A pet portrait, courtesy of Intricate Art
• A set of bud vases from Top Design’s Jonathan Adler

And as a reader here are Reality on Bravo, YOU CAN WIN TOO! Every week, Reality on Bravo is teaming up with some awesome sponsors to offer prizes for lucky readers. This week is the first in a two-part series, so anyone who leaves a comment on this post or on the voting post will be automatically entered to win the super-awesome prize next week.

As for the competition, you have a say in that too! Every week after Project Runway, I’ll announce the weekly challenge and our competitors will scurry away to write some amazing posts. Read them, and on Friday, vote for your favorites. Your votes, along with the opinions of our amazing judges, Bethany (the winner of the RoB “Create Your Own Reality Show” contest) and April (an extraordinary professional writer and blogger), determine who stays and who “goes home”

Looking for a good time?

Sure, I get it. You were just in town visiting the 451 Press Network for a day and you thought you’d have a little fun.

You big city types are all alike. Stop by, click on a few links and then leave. Me? I’ve got to live here. Do you have any idea what that’s like? It’s all making fun of politicians, high school sexual innuendo and cow tipping.

Sometimes you just wanna scream. It’s like that scene in Footloose where Kevin Bacon goes to the old warehouse, y’know? Sometimes you just want to rip off your sweatshirt and just blog for the pure fun of it … in faded, skinny-legged jeans.

That’s what the Friday Six is all about. It’s not about what society wants or what your preacher wants. It’s a chance to get away from all the crap pressing down on you and from all the alliteration that goes with it.

I should have known it couldn’t last. Not with your job, your family and the short attention span of internet users.

So, go … go ahead and leave. Go back to family, your responsibilities and a job that pays more than a Chinese toy factory.

I’ll still be here. Blogging. Thinking of you and the moment in time we had.

We did have fun, didn’t we?

Think of me … and stop by whenever you want to have a few laughs. I’ll be here. Blogging and working in the food service industry.

How ’bout a Friday Six before you go? Just for old times’ sake? ….

Omigod! You came back! You really … what?

Yeah, your cellphone is right over there on the table …..

Have a great weekend, all!

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Get Incensed is a humor blog.

Savvy observers will note the website banner implies that we (me and the voices in my head) view humor as a tool – to be used righteously against those who deserve it and sheathed when appropriate.

It’s much the same philosophy I use for dating.

“We’re all looking for something, something to be …”

When I was in high school, I spent a couple summers living with my grandparents in Philadelphia.

The great thing about spending time with old people is that you find out they really are a lot smarter than they appear in the checkout line at the supermarket.

My grandfather was a tough old dude.

“Pops” came over from Poland when he was 17-years-old and couldn’t speak a lick of English. Even through the Great Depression, he was never out of work, raised two kids and put them through college and rose to be a foreman on the docks in Philadelphia before retiring from that job at age 78.

My grandfather ate bacon and fried (in the grease from the bacon) eggs every morning for as long as I knew him. Even after he retired, he worked every day in his garden across the alley in back of the house he lived in for over 50 years.

Throughout the day, as he tended to the garden and did other projects around the house, he was rarely without an unfiltered Camel cigarette either in his hand or dangling from the corner of his mouth while he worked.

At one point after he retired, he developed a cancerous growth on his nose from all his years of working in the sun and, quite possibly, from the smoke of a couple hundred thousand unfiltered Camels.

Pops was never big on doctors so he used a pocket knife to cut the nickel-sized melanoma off his nose.

He used the same anesthetic for his nose that he used when he had three of his teeth pulled — Jameson’s Irish Whiskey. Because everyone knows novocaine is for pussies.

Did I mention he was a tough old sumbitch?

Death finally kicked his ass when Pops was 103. A lot of people who saw the fight still say it was a draw and Death was lucky to win on points.

Pops wasn’t a big talker so, when he did say something, I tended to pay attention.

I’m not real sure how the topic came up, but one time my grandfather was talking about the kind of person I should aspire to be. I had probably prompted him with a question about how to become a success in life or something … being as I was at the time young, sincere and totally clueless.

My grandfather never graduated from high school, so he most likely didn’t know who Socrates was, but he took a page out of the old philosopher’s play book by responding to my question with a question of his own.

“Do you know what a schlemiel is?” he asked.

“No.”

“A schlemiel is a guy who spills his soup.”

I wasn’t quite sure where he was going with this so I just waited.

“And a schlimaazel,” he said, “is the guy he spills it on.”

At that point Pops leaned back as if the question of how to live one’s life had been settled once and for all. I sat there with an open mouth and a quizzical look on my face, not quite getting the point.

Did I imagine the hint of impatience in his voice when he leaned forward and reiterated the example he had just given?

“A schlmiel is a guy who spills his soup and a schlimaazel is the guy he spills it on ….”

Slightly exasperated when a look of understanding still hadn’t crossed my face, he finally connected the dots and said, “… Don’t be either of those guys.”

Which brings me to the point of Something to Be, Part Two ….

One is known for his alternative lifestyle; the other is an 80’s pop icon ….

If you were shopping around for a religion, you could definitely do worse than Buddhism.

As far as I can tell, Buddhists believe in karma, a gentle approach to all living things, and vegetable spring rolls.

The vegetable spring rolls alone are enough to make you consider the religion … at least until they start making pecan pie a vital part of Scientology.

If you’re a Buddhist, you have to believe in karma because a peaceful and benevolent approach toward your fellow human beings would seem to rule out useful and practical things like revenge and the occasional well-timed bitch slap.

While I’m not a practicing Buddhist, I do take a serene, Gandhi-like pleasure in seeing karma in action.

My joy has increased as I’ve gotten older (pretty much since I stopped using fake I.D.) because, too often, it seems like the knuckleheads of the world get away with most of the stuff they pull.

So, my day was brightened when I read a story about how Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis complained he was being abused in prison.

The karma in this case wasn’t so strong that Francis found himself in a PMITA prison, but he did complain that guards threatened to strap him naked to a chair and to take away his blanket.

I know a few people in law enforcement. All of them have a keen sense of justice and an even keener sense of humor … which is why I doubt Francis’ claims.

If the guards were really going to mess with him they would have threatened to make him get naked in the shower and film him. Or make him strip and French kiss another inmate.

What’s even better about the story is why Francis is in jail in the first place. According to the report:

“He has been in jail since April, when he was cited for contempt after yelling at attorneys during mediation in a federal lawsuit brought by women who were underage when his production company filmed them in 2003.

That lawsuit has since been settled, but Francis’ bond was revoked on criminal charges related to the 2003 filming when he was charged with having contraband .. in the Bay County jail.”

So, basically, Joe Francis is in jail and has done seven months for being a dick.

Before anyone gets all Tony Kornheiser on me and starts telling me it’s not like Francis shot anyone or ran a dog fighting ring, let me say I get that most of the girls in his videos are, more or less, willing participants.

I also get that, while plying women 15-years your junior with alcohol isn’t illegal (and in many cases is simply a good, pragmatic strategy), subsequently filming them naked and selling the tapes doesn’t mean you should be nominated for Man-of-the-Year either.

Which is why, when you get the chance to pick between justice or karma … always go with karma.

“Always bet on karma …”

“Down, boy!” …

A Cosmopolitan-Style Guide to Training Your Man

Men are a lot like puppies. They are highly excitable, they have an innate desire to please, and you need to train them if you want them to grow up and be a loyal companion. As much as you might like to resort to the occasional smack with a rolled up newspaper, reward and encouragement are the best tools to use to promote consistent good conduct.

In a perfect world, you’d be able to just whistle and have him come running to satisfy you. While you may not get to that point, here are five time-honored training commands you must learn to get your partner to perform the way you want him to in and out of the bedroom.

1. SIT
Let’s start with the basics. Making him wait in expectation of a reward can increase the intensity of a pleasurable experience. It works with dogs, too. In his case, anticipation is a powerful aphrodisiac. You’ll be stimulating his brain as well as his libido.

Training tip: Are you scheduled to go out with him on Thursday night? Call him Wednesday afternoon at work and tell him how excited you are to get together with him. Drop a hint or two in a sexy voice about the kind of fun he might have in store when you two finally do hook up. Hear that? That’s him panting over the phone.

2. SPEAK!
Like sitting on command, communication is key in any successful relationship. Men are three times more likely to talk about sex with the guys than they are with their girlfriend. That is so wrong. It would be nice if every guy was pre-trained in the art of making love but even in that case you’d still need to let him know what you like.

Training tip: Does he know your favorite time for making love? Can he sense what sexual position makes you purr? Don’t be afraid to become the leader of the pack when it comes to talking about sex. Men and puppies both turn shy and quiet in awkward situations. Just knowing that you’re comfortable with the topic will go a long way toward putting him at ease. Rubbing his belly while you talk will also help to relax him.
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“Nice! … doggie …”

3. FETCH
Now that he can sit and speak like a show dog, chances are your guy needs to learn to be more responsive to your needs. The good news is, men like to feel they’re needed. You can help nurture his alpha-dog tendencies by being alert to opportunities throughout the day that allow him to show off his manliness. Stoke his ego and you’ll be rewarded by a pet who is more playful and confident in the bedroom.

Training tip: Ask him to do little favors for you throughout the day like getting something off a high shelf or moving a piece of furniture (you can always move it back after he leaves). Start small and work your way up to bigger things like painting your house or finding your G-spot. As always, be sure to reward him with either a long, wet kiss or a slice of pepperoni pizza.

4. HEEL
Teaching him to heel is more difficult than fetching but it’s worth the effort. The American Kennel Club training manual notes, “It is important that any dog learn to walk beside its owner on a loose lead, neither pulling ahead nor lagging behind.” You’ll want to remember that advice when you take your guy out to a club or any kind of party. His natural tendency will be to stray in an attempt to find a perky cheerleader or a top-heavy waitress that works at Hooters.

Training tip: Use the tone of your voice to let him know when he is getting too far afield. A stern, but not shrill, tone works here. You don’t want to scare him off. Later on, take him home and show him why you’re the one he loves to romp with. Nothing says you can’t fantasize about the bartender at the same time.

5. DOWN, BOY
Once you’re in control, it’s time to mark your territory regarding foreplay. When it comes to oral sex, it may be difficult to get him to commit to sniffing out different ways to excite you. Still, it is possible to teach an old dog a new trick or two. The art of giving oral pleasure is a learned talent so you’ll want to persuade him it is to his advantage to master this skill.

Training tip: Be firm. When he moves from your earlobe down to kiss your neck, place your hands on his head and encourage him to continue to move lower. A strong, steady push or, in some difficult cases, a choke collar from Petco should carry the day. When he finally does get the hint and yes, after a few corrections he will, praising him and scratching him behind the ears will cement his desire to please.

If you follow these basic pointers, there’s one trick he may do all on his own: sit up and beg.

Now, that’s a good boy. Time for a treat….

“I’ll be there for you ….”

In this week’s Project Blog contest, the challenge is for bloggers to revisit or expand upon a past blog topic.

The timing couldn’t be more perfect for a topic that has particular relevance during the holiday season: the intimate relationship between corporation and consumer.

In a previous post, entitled Friends With Benefits, I made the point (speaking to all the companies who are trying to get into my e-mail box) that “just because I buy something and, under the duress of not being able to use your website, register my e-mail with you, doesn’t mean we’re ‘friends.’”

As a matter of fact, I want to start seeing other businesses.

I know it’s always hard to break up right around the holidays, but I think this is best.

I should have listened when all the local shops in my area told me a long-distance relationship would never work.

But then you came along with your fancy website, online catalog and 10% off my first purchase and, well, I guess I was just taken in by it all.

You had me at “Re-confirm your password.”

And then, you said … *sniff* … you really cared about me. Was it all just marketing?

I don’t think I’m naive. I guess what I mean to say is … I’ve been around the mall a couple of times.

For example, I know that, despite the name changes, the same guy is managing the jewelry store that’s been having a “Going Out of Business Sale” for the past seven years.

Heck, I even bought imported Chinese cookware at the Dollar Store … and that’s pretty much the same thing as experimenting with anal.

So, it’s not like I’m some wide-eyed shopper just off the cruise ship.

But, you … I thought you were different. I didn’t think you were just after my money. I thought you were interested in me for me.

I used to love it when you’d write to me three, sometimes four, times a week with special deals that had my name at the top of the e-mail.

Can you imagine how I mortified I was when I found out everybody at the office got the same e-mail and the same buy-one-get-one-free offer that I did?

I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.

Well, except for that time I forgot to lock the door and my mom walked in while I was “doing my homework.”

But the biggest problem is … you’re just unavailable.

Remember when I had a problem with that gift I’d sent to my cousin and all I wanted to do was talk?

Finding a customer service number on your website was like trying to find a cookie at a fashion show.

I’m pretty sure on the next CSI: Miami, David Caruso’s going to try to track down a contact number on your website that connects to a real person. It’s going to be at least a three-part episode.

I know it sounds cliche but it’s not me … it’s you.

You think you can just cruise around the Internet flexing your pop-up ads and flaunting your JavaScript and customers will come and fawn all over you. And maybe they will.

But me, I’m leaving with my dignity, my head held high and no regrets.

I had some fun but it’s time for me to start shopping at a local store … a store where I can walk through a real door and talk to real people and, if I have a problem, put a real brick through a real plate glass window.

Good-bye, online store. Take care of yourself. I’ll see you around.

Wait, what? … did you say free shipping?

Cleaning up after Rachel Ray is the hard part …

Here’s some post-Thanksgiving Friday Six stuffing to help get you through the weekend.

Even reheated, these bits are still as funny as the day they were made.

The Friday Six. Because if there’s one thing you don’t need on the biggest shopping day of the year, it’s more alliteration. There are already enough Blowout Bashes, Super Sales and manipulative marketing messages.

So, pull out the good wine from wherever you hid it when the in-laws came over and enjoy a little bit of me-time with this week’s picks.

Have a great weekend, guys.

“That funny feeling has me amazed,
Don’t know what to do,
My clothing’s ablaze.
It’s like a heat wave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…”

Sometimes, when two great ideas come together, magic happens …

Like when somebody thought up the idea of combining chocolate and peanut butter to get the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Brilliant.

Sometimes the results are more mixed …

Like the guy who decided to combine the time-saving technology of the microwave with American military might. Hmmmm, let me think about this one for a minute.

American military commanders in Iraq are urging the Pentagon to approve the deployment of a new heat wave gun. The generals feel the gun, which fires a focused beam of radio waves that heats up the molecules in a person’s skin, will be very useful in Iraq.

The gun can be used to break up angry crowds, repel hostile combatants and caramelize the hell out of chopped onions from 750 yards away.

Apparently, there is a specific division of the military that is tasked with the development of non-lethal weapons … which is a lot like having a separate sex-education class that just deals with hand-jobs. You’re getting away from your basic mission and missing all the good stuff.

Somewhere along the line, the job of the military got all twisted around by political correctness. The job of an army is to kick ass. The basic job description of a soldier is “kill more of their guys than they kill of yours.”

Anyone who’s ever played Call of Duty 2 knows that.

There’s a reason there’s not a single video game where the object is crowd control and winning the hearts and minds of other online gamers.

Like life, the object of the game is to win … not play the game for four years with no resolution, no definable goal and no end in sight.

The military has spent 10 years developing the heat weapon which is referred to as the ADS, or Active Denial System.

Even the name of the weapon doesn’t inspire the kind of intimidation we’ve grown accustomed to. What happened to terminology like Operation Desert Storm or Shock and Awe?

Active Denial System sounds like a strategy for a teenage girl on a date.

The George Foreman Grill sounds more intimidating than this thing.

If you really want to scare people, you should call it the Iron Chef because the dude that hosts that show is a complete psycho.

On top of everything else, the roll-out of the weapon is being handled more like a zoning meeting for a new Wal-Mart than a demonstration of the military’s technological superiority.

Colonel Kirk Hymes, who’s in charge of non-lethal weapons, said, “With brand new technology like this, perception is everything … This is not something we want to roll out and deploy and surprise people. We know we need to educate the public.”

Why?

We’ve got a new, effective weapon. Why do we need to hold a Tupperware party so that all the jihadists in the neighborhood can better understand it?

There are suicide bombers over in Iraq who are blowing up soldiers and children as the soldiers are handing out candy. The only thing you need to educate these idiots about is that the gun creates an extremely painful heat wave and is pinpoint accurate from over seven football fields away.

It might even help if you circulated a little disinformation.

“Hey, Osama. You know that intense burning sensation you thought was venereal disease? It’s really the U.S. Marines and we’ve got the world’s most powerful microwave aimed right at your minaret. Stay in line or you’re going to have front row seats at a little American tradition called a wienie roast.”

A decision on the weapon is expected later this year. If it’s green-lighted, deployment of the weapon could start early next year.

There will, of course, be a learning curve for implementation and use of this new battlefield gadget. There’s a rumor the Pentagon is currently in talks with the CIA on how to maximize the benefits of the new technology.

After all, who better than the Culinary Institute of America when it comes to learning about cooking?

Most top chefs agree that the hardest part is getting close enough to season the enemy properly before roasting.

Hey, there’s a Blog Carnival going on over at The Gonzo Papers. Stop by, check out the sideshow and give Kilroy a high-five on his second blogiversary.

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It’s gonna be crazy!

Reality on Bravo blogger and all-around good person Allison is holding a blogging contest to help promote this season’s Project Runway on Bravo.

This week’s challenge was for bloggers to introduce themselves and tell a little bit about why they blog.

This is a great chance to discover some new writers and also learn a little bit more about some of the folks who are in the contest.

The grand prizes include:

• An autographed picture of Jackie Warner, courtesy of Sky Sport and Spa (Jackie Warner’s gym from Work Out)
• A pair of shoes from the newest line from Jonathan Kayne (one of my favorite Project Runway Alums)
• A Soffe college hoodie, courtesy ofBCS Frenzy
• Gold-plated earrings from Aurora at Between the Sheets
• A pet portrait, courtesy of Intricate Art

And as a reader here of Reality on Bravo and the other blogs, YOU CAN WIN TOO! Every week, Reality on Bravo is teaming up with some awesome sponsors to offer prizes for lucky readers. Head over to this post to read about this week’s giveaway, bracelets from Ecoist!

Here’s this week’s blogtestant honor roll:

1. Kate, Babylune: “The Blog I Write and the Woman Who Writes It”
2. Randi, Brad Pitt Watch: “The First Challenge”
3. Jodie, Gossip on Sports: “Project Blog: Week One Challenge”
4. Cynthia, TV of the Absurd: “The Five TV Shows that Changed My Life”
5. Winnie, Watching the View: “Project Blog: Why I Blog the View”
6. Sally, Style Fix: “The Fashionable Child Who Writes Becomes the Fashion Writer”
7. Kara, Colorado Review: “Why I Blog About Colorado Travel”
8. Mark, Get Incensed: “Project Blog. Bravo”

So, don’t be shy. Vote for your favorite blogger. *cough* Get Incensed *cough*

Just like a real election, you’re allowed to vote up to three times. You can vote three times for your favorite blogger or split three votes between bloggers.

I’m sure there are other mathematical possibilities but I make it a rule not to do any algebra after Thursday afternoon.

It interferes with my drinking.

Underachiever …

This week’s Friday Six is an exercise in time management. I’m late for a plane but I wanted you to know that I take my responsibility to my readers seriously.

I also wanted you to know I overslept.

So, this week’s Friday Six is short on original and witty repartee from your host and long on laughs from other invited guests.

Think of it as a preview of Thanksgiving.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Why I’m in Project Blog and not Project Runway ….

Project Blog is underway.

The contest is being run in conjunction with Bravo’s Project Runway and is a fun way for bloggers to come up with a weekly post at 3:00 a.m. on a Friday morning.

Every week bloggers are given a weekly challenge which mirrors the challenge that week on Project Runway.

So, you can imagine how relieved I was to find that this week’s challenge didn’t require me to spend a day as a flamboyant gay fashion designer.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

In a way, though, the challenge is almost as difficult. We’re supposed to blog about the reasons why we blog.

Get Incensed is, except for those days when I get all mushy and sentimental, a humor blog.

I think you all know where I stand on answering serious questions. Just in case I get eliminated in the first week, I wanted to be on record as saying that I feel asking a humor blog to answer an introspective and weighty question is a prime example of the other blogs ganging up on me to gain an unfair advantage ….

Oops. Sorry. I watched too much of the Democratic debate last night.

I blog for the same reason that the weatherman on the third-ranked local news gives his report every night.

It’s my job and I really don’t care how silly I look.

The other great thing about having a humor blog is that I can comment on anything I’d like and I never run out of material.

Those of you in any kind of serious relationship will know how freeing that can be.

The other benefit is that you can say “the other great thing” and then give two great things and nobody will call you on your grammar because you’re like the little kid with a learning disability — everyone’s just so happy when you get something right.

So, there you have it. This blog encompasses all the qualities of my dream job. It’s a combination of freedom and low expectations.

Now, if I can just figure out a way to get to work with models….

Week One’s Sponsor: Ecoist (www.ecoist.com)
Week One’s Prize: The official “Stop Global Warming” Ecoist bracelet

You can win prizes in the contest, too.

Check out Reality on Bravo for more information.

ROCK THE VOTE…

Hey, there are prizes and stuff you can win in the contest.

Want a chance to win this week’s prize? You can enter up to three times.

For one chance, leave a comment on this post on Reality on Bravo with your favorite product from Ecoist’s website (make sure to use a valid email address to win).

For a second chance, blog about this contest on your own site and email the link to Allison over at allison.boyer-at-yahoo-dot-com.

Want a third chance? Vote for your favorite in our Project Blog competition, and leave a comment showing support! The winner will be drawn at random from all qualifying entries.

“If I knew the football team was going to be this bad, I would’ve gone to Yale drama school like I wanted to…”

Notre Dame is having a tough year.

Their football team is 1-9 (1-10 if you count Charlie Weis’ losing his gastric bypass surgery appeal back in July) and faces the possibility that it could end up being the worst team in the 119 seasons that Notre Dame has fielded a team.

To give you an idea how bad it is, people from New Orleans are asking if there’s any way they can help.

As anyone who’s ever been there knows, when you play on a really bad team or work for a really bad company, all you want to do is just try to make it through the end of the year without calling attention to yourself and without being embarrassed any more than you already are by having to tell people you play football for Notre Dame or work in the purchasing department for the company that makes Aqua Dots.

It’s a time when you hope alumni and ex-employees keep a low profile and don’t do anything to draw attention to your alma mater or the previous 14 years of your resume.

Too bad it’s not working out that way for Notre Dame.

Just when you thought it couldn’t be any more uncomfortable to have a Fighting Irish bumper sticker on your car, the winningest basketball coach in your school’s history decides to take the lead role in a play called Love Letters.
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“A Romantic Comedy with a BitterSweet Ending.” Just like Notre Dame’s football season …
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I don’t know if Digger’s been taking acting lessons or not, but there’s no way this turns out well. The only way this could be anymore awkward would be if Kelly Tripucka showed up without a costume and played a horse.
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Up until now, his only role has been as a walk-on in “Equus”
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Tickets for this adaption of A.R. Gurney’s “masterpiece” are $40.

The theater asks that any banners you bring are tasteful and free of profanity and reserves the right to eject anyone caught heckling or doing the wave.

A.R. Gurney asks that you still be refer to the play as a “masterpiece” after this Saturday.