Get Incensed

Croatian high-jumper holds the world record outright but shares her last name with a famous pickle manufacturer….

Nobody relishes having to report about double standards in the judicial system.

But it’s hard to read about a man in Michigan getting charged for assault with a pickle and not be jarred by it.

Here’s the basic story from the AP news wire:

According to police reports, the pickle problems began when Bobby Lee Bolen was at his then-friend Jody Lee’s home on Aug. 20.

Bolen went to the refrigerator and helped himself to some pickles. According to the report, Lee told Bolen he could not afford to feed everyone and not to eat his pickles. Bolen then began yelling and swearing and stormed out, according to the report.

Later, Bolen barged back into the house and got into an argument with Lee. Lee told police Bolen slammed him down on the couch and threw two large pickles at him and said, “Here’s your damn pickles.”

Bolen also shoved former friend J.W. Romanski III and beat Lee with a telephone when he tried to call emergency authorities, according to the report. Two counts involving Bolen’s assaults were dismissed as was a charge of cutting or interfering with phone lines …

Bolen’s sentence included 54 days in jail with credit for 54 days served and one year of probation.

Let me get this straight … the dude served 54 days and got a year’s probation for an assault with a couple of over-sized gherkins?

Meanwhile, you can’t order a decaf latte in Southern California without running into some coked-out, Hollywood starlet with multiple DUIs who just hit somebody with their Hummer. In that situation, the only sentence handed down is the one where the judge says, “You’re free to go, now.”

This is a Vlasic case of famous people getting favorable treatment in the courts.

When it comes to getting justice, it seems like the little guy is always over a barrel.

No matter how you slice it, it’s just not right.

Even in this case, where it seems like there was some kind of plea bargain, I’m not sure it was that Kosher of a dill deal.

Having a domestic dispute over pickles sandwiched in between legitimate court cases only serves to pour salt on the problems suffered by more serious victims.

To top it off, even though Bobby Lee Bolen was as cool as a cucumber throughout the trial, when it came to crunch time, Bolen’s lawyer pulled him out of a tight spot.

If I’ve accomplished nothing else with this post, I hope I’ve encouraged you to try chutney.

humor, pickles, puns, pundits, Vlasic,

Prig: - noun - a person who displays or demands of others pointlessly precise conformity, fussiness about trivialities, or exaggerated propriety, esp. in a self-righteous or irritating manner. …

As the product of four years of Jesuit education and five years of stand-up comedy (sentences which were not served concurrently), I feel uniquely qualified to comment on news items that relate to both experiences.

Which is to say pretty much everything that involves the Catholic Church.

I don’t know that Catholics are any wackier than any other religion, but they do seem to have a propensity for winding up in the headlines.

If you had to guess how the Church would manage to get embroiled in controversy in Massachusetts, your first thought might be over the topic of gay marriage.

However, Reverend Ron Barker (no relation to game show host Bob), who is the pastor at St. Joseph’s Elementary School in Wakefield, has bigger fish to fry. And not just on Friday.

Reverend Ron decided to reach back into the Church’s storied tradition and resurrect an old favorite activity from the past: book banning.

But that’s only because they don’t allow you to burn witches any more in Massachusetts.

The books in question? The Harry Potter series, of course.

Holy irony, Batman. Banning a book in which a young man with special powers goes around battling evil and suspending the laws of nature?!

Father Ron’s hardest job might be making sure the librarian takes the right book off the shelves.

The reverend is concerned that the books promote witchcraft and disrespect for adults. In making the decision to blacklist one of the most popular literature series of all time, the padre said he thought “most children were strong enough to resist the temptation.”

Because you never know when your kid will succumb to the temptation to read a book.

Get thee behind me, Hemingway!

If you’re going to ban Harry Potter because it might influence kids to become involved in the occult, you should also ban the works of Erle Stanley Gardner so that kids don’t read Perry Mason and give in to the urge to become a lawyer.

Every time I turn on the TV there are at least 10 commercials for personal injury lawyers trying to stir up trouble. I’ve yet to see a commercial with a wizard causing problems by casting a spell … unless you count the Travelocity Roaming Gnome.

Talk about witchcraft, that little dude always finds the lowest hotel rates — which is a lot more than the Catholic Church ever did for me.

humor, Harry Potter, Catholic Church, book ban, wizards, Perry Mason, roaming gnome

You can do better than this….

Halloween is no different from any other holiday. It’s an opportunity to make or break your social status for the coming year.

Holidays are those special times when people gather to share laughs, camaraderie and the occasional food-borne illness.

Holidays mark the occasions when we all come together to create a bubbling cauldron of social pressure. They are the days when what would normally be a simple faux pas can take on mythical proportions because it is marked by a celebratory reminder every year for the rest of your life.

We still talk about the time Uncle Max got so drunk on Halloween afternoon that he used the jack-o-lantern on the front porch as a port-a-potty.

It was fourteen years before kids started stopping by for candy again.

All I’m trying to say is, you shouldn’t take your Halloween costume decision lightly.

This is especially true for women. Men have it easy. Men are not expected to be creative.

How big a double-standard is there? Men get points for trying, not execution. As a man all I need is a bandanna, an eye-patch and a bottle of rum and … poof! … I’m a pirate.

The fact that most pirates wore pants is just a historical detail.

But, as it turns out, an important historical detail because most local police departments don’t accept candy corn as bail.

Halloween presents women with a unique challenge. A woman’s costume is judged not only on creativity but also on sexiness.

Which, when you think about it, doesn’t make Halloween all that different from the rest of the year.

Still, there’s something liberating about being able to dress as slutty as you want for one night in October and not have to worry about disapproving looks from other women.

It’s kind of how Britney Spears goes through life.

So, ladies, in the spirit of Halloween (and the spirit of this blog), I’m happy to provide a public service and recommend a place where you can take care of all your Halloween costume needs: Girls’ Costume Warehouse.

We got costumes.

Happy Halloween, everybody.

-

humor, Halloween, sexy costumes, slut-o-ween, pirate costume

“Words are sexy, don’t you think?” …

This one’s for you, word geeks.

You understand me when I tell you most of the books I’ve read are full of yellow highlights of phrases or formulations that I enjoy.

You get why I like George Carlin the wordsmith, not George Carlin the comedy shock jock.

You’ve figured out the language we use in newspapers, commercials, business and politics can be a never-ending source of amusement.

You don’t have a problem with me listening to both Keith Olbermann and George Will.

You don’t think it’s weird that somebody spent the time to take a Kurt Vonnegut quote, “Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, that doesn’t mean we deserve to conquer the universe,” and rearranged the letters into what sounds like another Vonnegut quote, “A masquerade can cover a sense of what is real to deceive us; to be unjaded and not lost, we must, then, determine truth.” (Actually, you think it’s kinda awesome.)

You think the best parts of Bill Maher’s New Rules segment are the captions under the pictures.

You don’t find anything unusual about having a subscription to the New Yorker, the Financial Times and Maxim.

You don’t think it’s at all obsessive that, after seeing the movie Wordplay, I decided to take up designing crossword puzzles as a hobby.

You think that, if there is a heaven, all your favorite authors will be there and still doing their best work.

You think there’s already too much alliteration in the world.

You immediately spotted today’s title as an anagram for The Friday Six.

You guys rock.

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Sure this clip of Lewis Black commenting on Earth Day is funny. The bigger news is that The Daily Show now has an online, searchable clip index.
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Even though he’s dorky, I like the Dorky Dad. In a Family Circus kind of way … not the way you’re thinking.
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I like Jessica Simpson … exactly the way you’re thinking. What Would Tyler Durden Do points out now would be a good time to try to get around that restraining order.
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Crummy Church Signs performs a valuable community service. Site creator Joel’s new book also solves the problem of what to get that born-again guy in your office for Christmas.
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Over at Film Drunk, they handicap the chances of the Heather Mills biopic being made.
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Humor-Blogs is the comedy equivalent of a party at the Playboy mansion. If you can’t find something here you like, you need to see Lisa Williams ’cause you’re probably dead.
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Have a great weekend, y’all.

“Have you seen my pet snake, Attica?” ….

Whatever happened to people working out their problems with something other than legal action?

Deborah Stamm, a student at the University of Rochester is suing the school “to let her have her Labrador retriever live with her in her dorm and join her virtually everywhere she goes on campus.” The animal, according to the student, provides “emotional support.”

The school has a no pets rule and has said the dog does not qualify as a “service animal.”

Even wackier is that the case is one of growing number of such lawsuits that attempt to widen the definition of what a disability is and what can be considered “treatment.” Cases across the country have involved “cats, ferrets, snakes and even spiders.”

Like thousands of other students across the country, Deborah found it hard adjusting to college life. Psychologists have a name for the kind of emotional instability experienced by students during what, for most of them, is their first time living away from home and fending for themselves. It’s called “Freshman Year.”

Strangely enough, most of us get through it with a combination of alcohol and an occasional restraining order.

Still, Deborah has decided that she needed her dog Sid, which is short for Obsidian (’cause he’s a black Lab, get it?), to help her cope with the trials and tribulations of adjusting to college.

Somehow, I’m not sure the dog is going to help that much. If this girl is emotionally unstable now, what do you think is going to happen when she walks by the Kappa Sig frat and a bunch of football players break into a chorus of Donny Osmond’s “It’s Only Puppy Love.”

At that point, you’ll probably have a campus shooting on your hands.

I’m no doctor, but if you’re so unstable you can’t make it through the first week of classes without your pet spider … college isn’t your biggest problem.

Looking down the road a bit, what do you think Deborah’s chances are when she goes to a job interview and turns to ask Sid what he thinks her top three weaknesses are?

“Sorry, miss, the position of bat-shit crazy fry girl is already taken.”

It’s college. And college is like life. Life doesn’t adjust to you … you adjust to life.

But shouldn’t we make an exception for people who need some kind of emotional support to get through English Lit?

Absolutely. So, when are we going to allow people to start smoking again in the classroom?

It’s amazing to me that a lot of the same people who would banish smokers to sub-zero temperatures have no problem turning a classrooms into a hairy, dander-filled litter box because someone wants to refer to their ferret as their “special friend.”

I have enough problems getting up for an 8:00 a.m. Economics class without turning it into a combination petting zoo and allergy test. I don’t need a cat at that hour, I need coffee.

Like it’s not already hard enough to b.s. your way through an essay question on your Anthropology 101 exam without having a dog humping your leg while you’re trying to do it.

If this lawsuit succeeds, I’m going back to school. It’s a lot of pressure, so the college will need to make some accommodations for me.

Say hello to Bambi. She’s my service hooker.

Provides emotional stability…

Maybe? ….

People often come up to me on the street and ask, “How do you choose the Friday Six? … and does any cash change hands?”

The answer to both questions is “No.”

That’s because I’ve lived in New York City too long to say anything other than “No” to people who approach me on the street. You never know what kind of lunatic, charity worker or tourist you’re liable to run into.

One minute you’re on your way to catch the subway; next thing you know you’re trying to extricate yourself from a 20-minute discussion about aliens, global warming or the Empire State Building.

Now that I’ve made the transition to living in a somewhat smaller city, I find that a firmly pronounced “No!” still comes in handy on a regular basis. It is a way to protect yourself from the incessant up-sell you get at the register whenever you buy something in a store at the mall.

You know the drill …

Register girl: Would you like to sign up for our “Love Your Body” card?
Me: No, thanks. I already love my body.
Register girl: You can save 10% on today’s order….
Me: How much is the card?
Register girl: Ten dollars
Me: So, you want me to pay ten dollars to save five … do you work for the government?
Register girl: But you’ll save 10% on all future purchases….
Me: And I’ll get 30% more junk e-mails
Register girl: Well, sure, we’ll let you know about special offers throughout the year…
Me: And don’t forget offers from your selected “partners,” too.
Register girl: Those are more chances to save.
Me: It’s like getting updates from my ex-girlfriend about all the places she’s going with her new lover….
Register girl: It’s really not like that at all….
Me: So, this card is like one of those “Friends of” cards all the other stores have.
Register girl: Exactly.
Me: If we’re such good friends, why don’t you give me the 10% without making me buy the card?
Register girl: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: How much for a “Love Your Body” card?
Register girl: I’m not sure what you mean….
Me: Well, you’re really good-looking. Is there a card that gives me a free date with you after ten full price dates?
Register girl: Um … Security!
Security guard (or possibly a talking bulldozer): Is there a problem here, sir?
Me: No.

See? It’s like raising kids. You just have to know when to say, “No.”

All of which is a long-winded way of saying “Yes!” to the Friday Six. Yes - to the websites, articles and videos that made us laugh this week. Yes - to finally making it to the weekend. No - to the same old tired alliteration of a Friday Five.

Have fun and enjoy the weekend, y’all.

Diesel over at Mattress Police reminds you, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” But I think it’s okay to ask if she has a sister.
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“Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back in.” Over at A Special Kind of Stupid, Kev explains why his alma mater is like Michael Corleone.
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The Onion reports on the key element in deciding the upcoming Presidential election. It’s exactly what you thought it would be.
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Dorky Dad lists 10 People That Need Punching. There are no politicians or televangelists on the list so there’s bound to be a sequel.
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Over at Kissing Suzy Kolber the Always Be Covering segment has your NFL Picks of the Week. Plus, Kissing Suzy Kolber is one of the great blog names of all time.

Jim Gaffigan. Bacon. ‘Nuff said.

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Every meal comes with a free car antenna accessory ….

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

But you can get a free appetizer if you hustle on over to the Wild Boar Hotel near Cumbria, England. For a limited time they’re giving patrons a chance to sample Peking-duck style wraps on the house. The filling for the wraps comes from the nearby woodlands surrounding the hotel.

You probably won’t be seeing these Chinese-style wraps at your local Applebee’s anytime soon because the restaurant’s complimentary hors d’oeuvres feature a tasty and heaping filling of grey squirrel.

I’m not sure America is ready to chow down on one half of the classic cartoon comedy team of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

The restaurant at the Wild Boar Hotel is considered one of the top restaurants in the area. Let’s be honest, though - being one of the top restaurants in England is a lot like being the best-dressed child molester.

Sure, it’s an honor but it’s not really something to brag about.

There are red squirrels in the area but their existence is threatened by an over-abundance of grey squirrels. The greys are so plentiful there is even a group, Lord Redesdale’s Red Squirrel Protection Partnership, that specializes in “trapping and dispatching greys to protect the reds.”

It all sounds very British and environmentally conscious right up to the point where a fuzzy-tailed rodent winds up being served at the afternoon buffet.

Leave it to the English to refer to a mass squirrel extermination the same way we in the U.S. refer to sending a cab out to the airport. Taxis and the pony express get “dispatched.” Squirrels get “killed.”

Still, the British may be on to something. On a rainy night in New York you can’t find a squirrel or a taxi to take you where you want to go. Or a stagecoach, for that matter.

Lord Redesdale notes, “The problem is that when we catch and dispatch greys, there is nothing we can do with them. We would like to be a supplier of grey squirrels. With an estimated five million greys in the country, there are enough of them to go round.”

That’s just crazy talk. Just because there’s a lot of something doesn’t mean you should serve it for dinner. There are a ton of little kids in my neighborhood. That doesn’t mean we should start using them to make foie gras.

Although there is this one little brat down the block ….

“Giving” by Bill Clinton

In this age of hysteria and hyperbole, you have to take your subtle ironies where you can find them.

So, it was with a wry inner chuckle that I read a story that sales of Bill Clinton’s book, Giving, are falling rapidly.

I think the first problem arises when you try selling a book called Giving. If for no other reason than it would be a good publicity stunt, you should probably start by handing out a bunch of free copies.

In fairness, the price of the book has recently been marked down.

Another reason the book may not be doing so well is the peculiar combination of author and subject matter. Having Bill Clinton write a book about “giving” is like having Ann Coulter write a book about “tact.” You know neither one of their hearts are in it.

It’s hard to believe even hardcore Democrats are buying the attempted image makeover here of Bill Clinton as a giving person. After all, it’s not like he was going down on Monica.

Still, the former President does a very thorough job in the book of stroking donors and benefactors, lavishing them with praise and holding them up as examples of virtue to the rest of us.

You’d have to be really cynical about politics to suggest that this kind of sucking up has anything to do with Hillary’s involvement in the upcoming Presidential election.

If you’re feeling a bit shy, I’d be more than happy to toss out that first stone.

Ever the politician, the Next First Mate also devotes a significant portion of the book extolling his own accomplishments as President. He makes sure to mention legislation he influenced on health care issues, the economy, climate change and terrorism as examples of his giving nature.

Bill must have taken up yoga since leaving office because running through your resume as President and referring to it as if it were some kind of charitable service seems like a pretty big stretch.

Trust me, if any one of us got paid $400,000 a year and had a few trillion dollars of other people’s money to throw around, we could all do a pretty good Mother Theresa impersonation.

We all want to change the world.

You just have to be careful whose advice you’re taking on how to do it.

“Receiving” by Bill Clinton

humor, Bill Clinton, Giving, Receiving, threesome, Mother Theresa

What? Coming back as a zucchini wasn’t good enough for you?

It hasn’t been the best week for the Vatican.

First, a high-ranking Monsignor got caught on film (in what sounds like the Italian version of Punk’d) making advances on a young man. Monsignor Stenico initially claimed the film was “fraudulent” because he hadn’t been told his meeting with the young man was being filmed.

If he had been filmed having sex with the man he probably would have complained the footage was “fraudulent” because they didn’t get his good side.

Stenico later amended his excuse to say that he was only pretending to be gay to “to better understand this mysterious and faraway world which .. is doing so much harm to the Church.” Note to Vatican officials: Next time you guys may want to try Google.

And, really, “mysterious and faraway world”?! It’s not like gay people are from another galaxy.

The padre went on to say he was trying to gather information about “those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity.”

Hey, Monsignor. Whatsa matta you? It’s pedophiles who are giving the Church a bad name and it’s the Church’s policy toward homosexuals that is damaging what’s left of its image.

If you listen to the Monsignor for more than two minutes, even Larry Craig sounds like he’s making sense.

As we go to press, the only excuse Msgr. Stenico hasn’t tried to float yet is that he went to the young man’s room to try to get back some Church memorabilia.

What’s next, Monsignor? Are you going to tell us you thought the massage oil you were using was really flaxseed oil?

And, just when you thought things couldn’t get any nuttier ….

Father Cielecki, a Polish priest and close friend of John Paul II, hopped a flight to Poland to look at a photograph of a bonfire taken at a ceremony on the second anniversary of John Paul II’s death. Father C announced you could see a person in the flames and “said he was convinced the picture showed the former pontiff.”

My only question is: when did they start using tequila in place of sacramental wine? Next time I go to Church I’m going to ask for the chalice with salt.

I could be making this up, but I heard representatives from Australia and the Cartoon Network will be flying over to Poland because the picture also looks a lot like a koala bear or Bozo the Clown.

Saint Bozo has a nice ring to it, don’tcha think?

If you look hard enough at enough pictures of flames you could probably find a floating image of Charles Darwin while you were at it.

That would really burn the Pope’s ass, wouldn’t it?

Still, I’m inclined to believe that John Paul II really did appear in the flames. It would only be fitting that, as the Church continues to regard homosexuality as a sin, the one time a former pontiff appears it’s as a flaming Pope.

humor, Vatican, Monsignor Stenico, flaming Pope, ’nuff said

One is a cartoon character; the other is an animated cartoon character….

Former radio host and elderly female zombie, Don Imus will return to the airwaves on December 3 with his own show on WABC radio. The radio station said discussions with Imus intensified when the jock was beaten out by Whoopi Goldberg for the final vacant spot on The View.

WABC is currently the nation’s most listened to talk radio station but is looking to relinquish that title, citing too much pressure and a desire to take some time off from responsible journalism.

The story breaks just in time to have the media flooded with pictures of Imus in a move largely seen as an effort to scare little kids and women basketball players this Halloween.

Imus is said to be “particularly incensed by Senator Hillary Clinton’s ’shameless exploitation’ of the Rutgers situation.”

As reported in a J.D. Power and Associates survey, this leaves Hillary only 3,243 instances behind Imus in the race to find topics to shamelessly exploit.

Most radio analysts expect the schlock jock to target the country’s next President. An Imus spokesperson is quoted as saying, “Hillary, prepare to meet your maker!” - further fueling rumors that the skeletal radio personality and the Grim Reaper are the same person.

WABC notes that Imus will be on a standard 40-second delay to enable the station to censor any profanity. The station suggests consumers who wish to protect themselves and their families from inane blather tune to a different station entirely.

Imus will also be appearing on an upcoming Barbara Walters special where the two media icons will discuss the best places to find early-bird specials and other senior citizen discounts.

Imus was a last minute substitute when Walters learned that 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney was unavailable because he was being embalmed.

Three’s not so bad … but six is better ….

Everybody knows good things come in threes … like Neapolitan ice cream, the Dahm triplets and packs of Hanes boxer briefs. (Work out your own connection there ….)

If good things come in threes, then things that come in sixes must be freakin’ awesome. Like a six-pack of beer or the final scene of Cheerleader Orgy. Or the Friday Six.

The Friday Six is our weekly round-up of articles, websites or new pick-up lines that made us laugh during the week. This week we feature a couple of old friends as well as some new discoveries.

The Friday Six - because to hell with alliteration and why settle for three when you can have six?

Over at previously owned, Will McKinley takes a look at how HBO is revolutionizing child care.
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At a local carpet store in 2007….

One of the problems created by the whole “politically correct” movement (other than that whole pesky First Amendment thing) is that by continually crying “three little domesticated porcine agrarian animals’ oppressor” every time someone makes fun of a particular group, we tend to become insensitive to real-life examples of racism, sexism and hack ethnic comedy.

My brush with advertising history occurred on a normal day. I was at home the other evening, lounging on the futon with my extremely liberated, psychology-doctorate toting fiancee when an ad came on for a local carpet store.

Normally, we might have done a fast channel surf. I say “we” since I’m so enlightened and sensitive to gender equality I often share the TV remote - a practice many non-politically correct people refer to as being “pussy-whipped.”
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“You look like a fine, upstanding young man, I think you’ll do….”

It’s all so confusing.

With all the qualified candidates for local school board, town alderman (something to do with curiously strong mints?) and village idiot, how can you possibly choose who to vote for?

Oh, I know. Look for the signs that people stake out on their lawns and choose the one with the prettiest graphics.

It’s the same way I usually decide to bet on a horse and may explain why my choices at both the track and the voting booth end up costing me money.
(more…)

You know you want to…
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Today is National Denim Day. Every year Lee Jeans encourages everyone to slip into their favorite jeans (I don’t see any reason why they can’t be yours or someone else’s…) and donate $5.00 to help fight breast cancer.

It’s one of the largest single-day fund raisers for breast cancer.

Chances are you know someone who has been affected by this disease. If you don’t, our own Alison Boyer has a site where you can donate: https://register.denimday.com/TeamWebPage.cfm?tid=20788

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go try to slip into something more comfortable ….

Lee Denim Day, breast cancer awareness

Tony and the USC girls show their support for The Friday Six ….

People are always telling you not to put all your eggs into one basket … but you have to admit you’d look pretty silly walking around the store with two grocery baskets, one of which only had a couple of eggs in it.

Of course, what the phrase really means is that you shouldn’t commit all your efforts and focus to just one particular undertaking.

If you’ve got nothing better to do this weekend, try explaining this rule of thumb to your girlfriend. Be prepared to scramble.

It seems the virtues of diversification are generally thought to apply only to investing and, perhaps in some cases, to pornography.

In the interest of broadening the horizons of the many readers of this blog (and by “many” I mean the homeless guys at the library I bribe with beer to help boost my click-through stats), every Friday features six articles, websites or animal bloopers that made us laugh over the course of the past week.

The Friday Six. Because alliteration is overrated and because to make a funny souffle, sometimes you have to break a few balls. Or something like that ….
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The Ominous Comma kicks off this edition with a tribute to the steel-toe work boot.

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