Get Incensed

Are you feeling tired and listless? ….

I know … I know … page three of The Complete Moron’s Guide to Writing says that “Readers love lists!”

Not true. I can’t stand lists.

And here are the top five reasons why….

5.) Lists are for chores and work.
I enjoy reading. Is it too much to ask that every other article isn’t pounded into a 14-point checklist format? Lists are for chores like grocery shopping and for the guys at Jiffy Lube so they can convince you that changing your oil, checking your filter and topping off your fluids is worth $29.95 for six minutes of work.

4.) Lists are derivative and make lousy sales tools.
Everyone from your dentist to your local car wash has taken a crack at a knock-off of Letterman’s Top 10 list. Here’s a little secret: David Letterman has a staff of professionals writing his material. That’s why the Late Show Top 10 List is funnier than the Top 10 Reasons You Should Use Royal Dry Cleaners. Stop putting lists in your ads. It’s getting old. Even Letterman lifted his bit from Moses.

3.) There are always a couple of items on every list that are geared toward the functionally retarded.
I feel cheated if I’m reading a top 10 list of pick-up lines and one of them is, “Hi.” If you’re going to make a list, skip the obvious. There’s no more reason to have “Hi” on the list than there is to include “Get in the van, bitch.” If you want to give me a tip, let me know where there’s a 2-for-1 sale on duct tape.

(more…)

The Friday Five is a new segment here at Get Incensed. (If you can’t put your own site into italics, who will?)

We’ll be spotlighting five websites/videos/articles that made us laugh during the previous week.

Here it is, gang …

The Friday Five: Alliteration for your soul and Munchie Mix for your sense of humor.

The Book ‘Em article over at Mattress Police Antisocial Commentary blog.

Election ‘08: The 12 Worst Candidate Websites over at Cracked.com

Lights, Camera, Genuine Rage over at The Reasonable Ego blog. Smart, funny stuff.

Global Warming Doesn’t Stand a Chance at Environmental Talk … but only ’cause of the Top 20 Jack Bauer jokes.

Brian Regan doing a bit about going to the doctor on YouTube.

Lightning striking again….

The PTB (Powers That Be) here at 451 Press are holding a contest.

All you need to enter is an opinion … on pretty much anything.

Comment on any 451 Press site (say, Environmental Talk or Get Incensed just to name a couple) during the month of August and you’re automatically entered.

451 Press has over 300 blogs. Each time you comment on one during the month of August you get a chance to win cold, hard cash.

Three comments will be chosen at random to win a cash prize of $300, $200 or $100.

Enter early and often. Operators are standing by.

money, money, money, blog contest, cash prizes, contest

Weaving together commentary on recent sports scandals, racial discrimination and Geraldo Rivera, Lewis Black can “get incensed” better than anyone….

Nothing pisses me off more than getting stuck at a restaurant next to some Entourage-wannabe with one of those Star Trek cell phone earpieces while he discusses the particulars of the latest deal he’s trying to close.

Like whether he’s going to be able to get his “client” to spring for the Hummer with the extra chrome package or whether he’s going to be able to nail the new office temp.

As Peggy Noonan noted, “Cellphones are wonderful, but they empower the obnoxious and amplify the ignorant.”

Having said that, if you’re as committed to your cell phone as this guy, I’m willing to cut you a little slack. At least he’s trying to be original ….

Can you hear me, now?

cell phone, Entourage, idiot, Star Trek, Hummer, office temps

If there’s a better way to put yourself in a zany mood for the weekend than Richard Cheese doing his version of Snoop Dogg’s Gin and Juice, I haven’t found it.

Have a great weekend, all.

Richard Cheese, Snoop Dogg, Gin and Juice

Rank Group, PLC recently completed the sale of the Hard Rock Cafe chain to the Seminole Indian tribe of Florida for E$725 million or US$965 million or BeaverPelt2.7 trillion.

Collectors are already lining up to order the latest T-shirt: Hard Rock Cafe - Little Big Horn

The new owners are expected to add some new menu items while still keeping the chain restaurant feel. New menu items include Cherry-kee Cheesecake, Last of the Mochaccinos and Custard’s Last Flan.

The tribe doesn’t plan any major changes to the restaurants but has said they will no longer accept walk-in business. You need to have a reservation.

Former U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan is a new fixture on the paid speaking circuit. In commenting on his tenure at the U.N. Annan stated the five principles he considered essential: collective responsibility, global solidarity, rule of law, mutual accountability and substantial under the table payments to close friends and relatives.

The outgoing Secretary General said he enjoys spending time with his family and plans to continue to be ineffectual and irrelevant.

A new study reports “male seals are reaping the benefits of climate change by having more sex.”

Scientists also noted a 67% increase in headaches among female seals and a growing sense of exasperation in dealing with more frequent requests to “do that thing where you balance my balls on your nose.”

humor, seals, Kofi Annan, Hard Rock Cafe

Once you go venison, you’ll never go back ….

I was going back through my files and I discovered this story of Bryan James Hathaway who was accused of having sex with a deer. I’m reprinting it here because I think there’s an important lesson here for the young people of today. I’m just not sure what that lesson is….

I like venison as much as the next guy … as long as the next guy isn’t Bryan James Hathaway of Wisconsin. Brian is accused of having sex with a deer. And two counts of impersonating Jimmy Fallon.

Hathaway’s lawyer is trying to get his client off (er, perhaps a poor choice of words) on the technicality that the deer was dead at the time. The Wisconsin statute prohibits “sexual gratification with an animal” but, the lawyer argued, “animal” implies that the creature must be a living organism.

I’m not quite sure how you roll out of bed and look at yourself in the mirror every day as a lawyer anyway, but I have to think this wasn’t what this guy planned on when he took the LSATs. Mom and Dad must be so proud.

The lawyer is attempted to plea bargain the charge down from “sexual gratifcation with an animal” to being “bat-shit crazy in the first degree.”

Prosecutors are holding firm that any plea agreement must include a clause the prohibits the defendant from coming (damn! another poor choice of words) within 500 yards of the raw poultry section of the local supermarket.

I don’t want to say Dick Wolf is running out of story lines, but he’s reportedly contacted Hathaway for the rights to use his story on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

Bryan James Hathaway, deer, animal rights, PETA, venison,