“Because the difference between six and five can be very damned important”
Do you feel lucky? Well, do you … punk?
You should. Because, once again, it’s time to give the finger to alliteration with Get Incensed’s Friday Six - six websites, videos or some other childish crap that made us laugh this week.
Diesel weighs in this week with some musical comedy which, strangely enough, is largely devoid of any gay undertones.
Reason #47 why the make-up guy from Cats should not, under any circumstances, be allowed to do acid…
The Drudge Report featured the following headline from Breitbart News:
Patients Get Appointments for Botox Faster than for Moles: Study
Wow. Talk about a slow news day. Let’s see… there’s mass starvation in Darfur, a nuclear threat in Iran and the upcoming premiere of Private Practice (an impending disaster of Biblical proportions) but, what the hell, let’s feature the Botox/mole study.
The results of the study showed:
“For a Botox injection, patients waited typically for eight days, while those asking doctors to look at worrisome moles that might indicate skin cancer waited 26 days, said the study in the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology.
The study was conducted last year by telephone with researchers posing as patients, contacting 898 dermatologists in 12 US cities.
So, what you’re telling me is that somebody got a large chunk of grant money to have a couple of researchers spend a year making crank phone calls. Opie and Anthony have really fallen on hard times.
All this for a study to confirm what you already know: dermatology is boring and researchers have way too much time on their hands.
Everybody knows Botox is more urgent than a potentially pre-cancerous mole. Unless, the mole is the one on Cindy Crawford’s face - in which case, we need to take care of that right away because Cindy is a national treasure.
What mole?
I feel like I can speak with some authority medical topics since I got a “B” in the required science class I took in college and I watch House on a regular basis.
The solution here is simple. If you’re that worried about potential melanoma, schedule your Botox appointment and have them inject the botulinum toxin into the mole.
I was watching NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg speak the other day and it occurred to me that I haven’t seen Fran Drescher around lately.
Except for the lack of Fran’s awesome rack on display, it’s easy to confuse a Bloomberg speech with an episode of The Nanny. There’s that same whiny, nasal tone throughout and there’s a good chance that the mayor is trying to save everyone from themselves.
It’s all wild, zany fun with a comic twist.
There are just a couple things wrong with the Bloomberg sitcom (now entering its fifth season)….
First off, if there was ever a group of people that could take care of themselves, it’s New Yorkers. They’ve dealt with stock market crashes, power failures, homeless dudes with squeegees, Spike Lee and Donald Trump.
Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I’m pretty sure the average city dweller can figure out how to deal with any dangers posed by iPods and after-school snacks.
Secondly, it’s not like New York (or any major city) doesn’t have a few other problems that might take precedence over trying to pass laws that criminalize lifestyle choices. (Feel free to take a few weeks here and brainstorm amongst yourselves.)
Photo of NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg, shown here holding a gun to the back of Miss Liberty…
The worst part about Bloomberg’s crusade to legislate people to act just the way he thinks they should is that, just like Fashion Week, the trend set in New York is gradually spreading across the country.
It started with smoking and trans-fat bans in New York. It continued with legislation being introduced to make it illegal to listen to an iPod while crossing the street in Manhattan. Now, it’s spreading across the country as various communities look to ban breastfeeding, baggy pants and plastic bags.
Okay, I get the whole plastic bag thing. After all, you can’t just go giving people the freedom to choose either paper or plastic. Some people might choose plastic and there’d be anarchy and a total breakdown of the social fabric.
Don’t even get me started on the move in Atlanta to ban low-slung pants that reveal a glimpse of ass crack. I find it incredibly ironic the city that is home to CNN would consider a law that, if it was enforced, would throw 98% of cable TV repairmen in jail.
Are we all such misbehaved kids that we need to have Uncle Sam function as Nanny Deb?
Two sides of the same intrusive coin
A little consistency would be nice, too. If you don’t want the government reading your e-mail, why is it okay for them to tell you what to eat and what to wear?
I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure I don’t want diet advice from Dennis Hastert or fashion advice from James Traficant.
“Thanks, but if it’s all the same to you guys, I’ll make my own choices.”
There are enough encroachments on our civil liberties these days without getting the government involved in the minutiae of our daily lives.
What I eat, drink or screw should only be the business of three people: me and the twins who accompany me to Denny’s after a night of binge drinking.
The Middle East has been a quagmire for as long as I can remember. Reports of sectarian violence are so constant and regular it’s like living next to the airport - after a period of time, you just don’t notice the noise.
But yesterday, there was good news from Iraq. It was the start of the annual Shiite festival and religious pilgrimage “to celebrate the birth of Mohammad al-Mahdi, the 9th century saint and the last of 12 imams revered by Shiites.”
Security was tight. After all, nothing presents a more inviting target for Sunnis than a Shiite street fair. For a fanatical suicide bomber, this is like hitting the 72-virgin Powerball Lotto.
The good news from yesterday’s celebration: there was no sectarian violence. The bad news: Shiites started shooting at other Shiites.
At the end of the festivities, there were 51 people dead and over 250 people wounded.
Kids, let this be a lesson to you…these pilgrimages always seem like such good clean fun right up until somebody gets hurt or pregnant.
Just another holiday for one of the world’s great “religions of peace.”
Idaho Senator Craig is not gay. Well, not flaming, anyhow…
Ahhh. Sex and politics. It never gets old. We had some fun with the Larry Craig story when it first broke(back) yesterday.
Here are additional takes from two three of our favorite sites:
From News As Gossip. The story is headlined: Republican Senator Solicits Pork Project in Men’s Restroom and includes this gem: “[Senator Craig] has remained in staunch opposition to gay rights but says he is very open to “gay wrongs.”
Fark.com tagged the story with: Senator Larry Craig (R-eacharound) enjoys re-enacting his favorite line from Blazing Saddles in public bathrooms
Over at The Web Pen Blog, they explain why Senator Craig needs to take improv classes. Plus, a Wizard of Oz reference…wait for it…wait for it….
Some other favorite quotes and unintentional double entendres from various sources: Rackjite.com notes that, due to the recent events, Craig’s “seat is now up for grabs this coming term. ”
The Washington Post speculates that the Idaho governor might be called on to name an interim replacement for Craig in the event that the Senator resigns. The Idaho governor’s name: Butch Otter. Stay tuned for more updates…
UPDATED UPDATE:
For those of you wanting to get your serious political jam on …. Fellow 451 writer and GI favorite Lyndsey D’Arcangelo came across a pointed and thoughtful letter to the editor in the Idaho Statesman newspaper and featured it on her blog, Lez Keep It Real.
Senator Larry Craig, the former Idaho chairman of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, is attempting to spin the guilty plea he entered earlier this month for disorderly conduct.
The plea was a result of the Senator being arrested for lewd behavior in the Minneapolis-St.Paul airport bathroom.
Craig issued a statement saying that the undercover cop who arrested him “misconstrued” his actions which included nudging the officer’s foot and reaching under the stall. In general, that’s enough to get you booked by most policemen, unless you’re the cop from the Village People.
Senator Craig maintained that he should have contacted a lawyer and his plea was simply an attempt to “handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously.”
It’s always enjoyable to see a politician hoisted on his own petard, especially in a case like this where the senator in question has been consistent in his opposition to gay rights.
But really, haven’t we moved beyond the point where we should be interested and titillated by the sexual proclivities of two consenting adults?
Well, okay, maybe we can be titillated under the right circumstances, but it seems like we’re paying far too much attention to something that’s just plain boring.
As Dennis Miller once said, “There is nothing in this world that interests me less than your orgasm.”
Still, I would be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to compile a couple of gratuitous Top Ten lists for your (and my own) juvenile enjoyment.
It is, after all, an election year and we can use all the distractions we can get from the political process.
As is the custom here at GI, we’ll go with two lists. One specific list for Senators from Idaho and one general list that you can use at your next housewarming party so as not to upset all the genteel folk.
Top Ten Eleven Self-Pleasuring Euphemisms for Senator Larry Craig (R-Horny-Idaho):
1. Filibustering
2. Bringing a Bill to the Senate floor
3. Thumbing through the Congressional Record
4. Visiting the Washington Monument
5. Pressing the flesh
6. Poling his focus group
7. Campaigning hard
8. Minority whip
9. Seconding a motion
10. Living in his own private Idaho
11. Handling the matter himself quickly and expeditiously
The Top Ten Eleven Self-Pleasuring Euphemisms for the Rest of Us:
1. A date with Pamela Handerson
2. Roughing up the suspect
3. Shuffling your iPod
4. Making stomach pancakes
5. Releasing the hostages
6. Turning Japanese
7. Double-clicking the mouse
8. Dishonorable discharge
9. Getting in touch with yourself
10. Jackin’ the beanstalk
11. Pumping your gas at the self-service island
Feel free to add your own favorites in the comments section….
I think it’s time we went back to the barter system.
There’s too much time and effort being put into redesigning money these days. Things were simpler when we used goats and chickens as payment. Plus, it’s pretty hard to counterfeit a live goat.
It used to be everybody knew what legal tender looked like. Now, the $10 bill looks like someone spilled coffee on it and it’s flat out impossible to keep up with all the changes on coins.
Somebody could give you a token from Dave & Busters and, as long as it had one of the 50 states on the back, you could pass it off as a quarter.
In the latest effort to combat counterfeiters, the government is redesigning the $100 bill. Again. (more…)
The story of Will McKinley’s first published article on the delicate art of “manscaping” can be found on his blog, Previously Owned. Don’t forget to read the article over at thePeeq.com
The 15 Minute Lunch takes aim at stupid beauty ads on Google in this post.
Are you doing enough to stop global warming? Not unless you’re worm composting in your apartment.
“Back in my day, we really knew how to screw up the economy ….”
The only thing more tedious than having to listen to a year and a half of Presidential election campaigning, is to have to listen to lousy ex-politicians give advice on the current state of affairs in this country.
Where the hell is the FCC when you need them? Instead of worrying about how much skin is being shown on Grey’s Anatomy, they should be enforcing some kind of public decency rule to limit washed-up politicians from giving any kind of political commentary on the current issues.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to become an ex-politician? You have to be even more of an idiot than the idiots who are still in office.
Which brings us to Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter was arguably the worst President in the past 50 years. And, yes, I’m including the current President in that mix.
How old is Jimmy Carter? Has he turned 175 yet? Carter is now the oldest living President which may explain why he thinks everyone else has forgotten how badly he messed up when he was in office. (more…)
As a card-carrying skeptic of most things governmental and as a professional comic and humor writer, this seemed too good to pass up as a topic for a Get Incensed salvo. And I didn’t. (more…)
If it’s not obvious enough from the royalty checks I get every month, the issue becomes even clearer whenever I read an article about all the weird stuff people get paid to do research about.
In a recent article entitled, Adults Aren’t Growing Up, evolutionary psychiatrist Bruce Charlton claims “grown-ups today are more immature than ever.”
Well, duh!
Charlton says that “among scientists, the phenomenon is called psychological neoteny.”
Oh yeah, Bruce? I know I am but what are you? (I guess I told him!)
For anyone who really thinks it’s surprising adults today are more immature, I’ve got two words for you: Inter. Net.
We can Photoshop pictures instead of just drawing on a mustache or blacking out someone’s teeth; we can Google terms like “atomic wedgie” and immediately get over 3000 pictures of guys with underwear up around their ears; and, if you just happen to trip and take a nose dive while bringing out your kid’s birthday cake, it will inevitably be captured on somebody’s cell phone camera and posted on YouTube.
And let’s not forget the influence of video games where you can spend hours battling aliens, dunking over Shaquille O’Neal and making Gina Lynn do whatever you want her to.
My grandfather escaped from Poland and came to America when he was 17 years old. I can’t even fathom the level of maturity it took to pull that off. To be fair, if he’d been able to surf for Internet porn, there’s a good chance I’d have grown up in Warsaw.
We’ve also grown up in an age of increased prosperity where society has the time and means to be obsequiously over-protective of kids. Kids don’t grow up now because they don’t have to. You’ve got bicycle helmet laws, planned play dates and To Catch A Predator.
When I was a kid, it was a real test of wits to avoid getting caught alone with Uncle Eric during family get-togethers.
And, if your mom went shopping and left you in the car in 85 degree heat, well… you’d better be able to figure out how to unlock the car door and let a little air in.
It was Darwinism in action. Somehow, an entire generation managed to grow up, get jobs and vote Republican. (Okay, so maybe repeated heatstroke can cause minor brain damage …)
All I’m saying is, you don’t need a study to say that people don’t want to get old.
But if you’re handing out money for research … I call first dibs.
Google “ad execs” under Images and the first photo you’ll get is one which shows exactly how the advertising industry thinks of you.
(Hint: You’re the white horse.)
If you ever get trapped in an elevator with a group of Madison Avenue types (and you manage to resist the urge to kill yourself), you will probably hear from these marketing moonies that “free” is considered to be the most powerful word in advertising.
This is one of those famous truisms from the ad game like “sex sells” or “Bob’s secretary is easy.” These sayings are only true under certain conditions … like right up until the point where Christian groups boycott your product or where Bob’s secretary gets your house in a sexual harassment settlement.
There comes a point, Mad Men, at which a marketing gimmick becomes little more than an insult to my intelligence. Once you’ve reached that point, you’re not convincing me to buy your product … you’re just pissing me off.
Take your local cable company, for example.
Okay, I know that picking on the cable company is like tying your shoe or getting to third base with Lindsay Lohan … they’re both easy to do without thinking and there’s no lasting satisfaction from accomplishing either one.
Still, is it too much to ask that these guys don’t rub your face in the fact they’ve got a better economic model than your local crack dealer? (more…)
Some people just can’t leave well enough alone. Or, as my first grade teacher used to say, “It only takes one bad apple to ruin things for everyone else.”
So, you can imagine how upset I was to find out that some crackpot engineer had been tampering with one of the great inventions of the past 100 years.
I’m talking, of course, about the snooze alarm. (more…)
Get Incensed is your twice daily dose (100% of the recommended daily intake) of rantings from people who believe that, if you get up in the morning and can't find something to be outraged about, you should go back to sleep.
Or cut back on your Prozac.
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